12 Steps to Not Fall in Love on Wattpad

STEP 8

April 9th, 2023

Don’t make a freaking video proposal just for her to fall asleep on you.

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Sooo...

I did something.

Something very not me.

I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Yeah. Me. The same girl who runs from feelings like they are wild animals. The same girl who swore she would never fall before she was totally ready (which I ain't).

I don’t even know how this happened. I don’t know why I am doing this. It makes no sense.

Just a few weeks ago, I was still telling myself the little flirts here and there weren't serious, that we were just talking and acting like good friends. That nothing was going to happen because I don’t do this kind of thing, and she's not interested in the first place.

But then we kept talking. Every day. Every night. And somehow, it became normal. She became normal. And I guess... I got scared?

Because this is not what I do. This is not who I am. I don’t ask people to be mine. I don’t take risks like this, I'm not someone good to be around right now. I have so many issues. So many insecurities I gotta work on. How can I sentence her to be stuck with a person who didn't get her shit together yet?

But here I am. Doing the exact thing I swore I wouldn’t do.

It still doesn’t feel real, tho.

Maybe it’s because I was so sure she didn’t feel the same way. For weeks, I thought she was just playing. That she would get bored and leave like everybody else.

And I almost let that thought ruin everything.

But then she explained why she didn’t let me in at first. And suddenly, her mixed signals made sense.

I’m trying to be mature and say the past is the past, but, after hearing what she went through, I’d love to find her ex and throw a chair at them or make them eat rotten food and have a really bad case of diarrhea.

Anyway. That’s not the point.

The point is—I don’t understand how I got here. I don’t understand how I went from pushing her away to asking her to stay.

I never let people stay when there's a probability they won't want to.

But with her... guess I started to like her presence way too much, and that’s terrifying.

We spent the last few weeks talking about everything; our favorite things, our worst fears, what we want in life. What we would do on a perfect date. Even a hypothetical marriage in the mountains.

And somehow, that never felt scary. Not really, because I knew it wasn’t real. We were finding topics to keep the conversation going and just happened to mention a future together. A hypothetical one, remember?

But now? Now it’s real. Now I’m about to call someone my girlfriend for the first time ever, and I have no idea what I’m doing.

And of course, because it’s me, I couldn’t just ask her like a normal person. I had to make a whole thing about it.

I spent days editing videos—our favorite songs with cute little messages. I wanted it to be special. I wanted it to be perfect.

My plan was to ask her on Easter, which is my favorite holiday. Because, you know, what’s better than celebrating with chocolate and a girlfriend?

But then I got impatient.

I finished the videos early, and my brain went "why wait?" I mean, it’s Easter week anyway. The whole point was to make it special, right?

So I sent her a message.

You: Baby? Are you there?

You: Can you join the room so I can officially call you my girlfriend?

N

o answer.

You: I need to show you the videos, you ass

Still nothing.

You: Did you fall asleep?

Yup.

She knocked out before I could even ask.

I won’t lie. I just sat there, staring at my phone, feeling like the biggest idiot on earth. I planned everything. I made it special. And she just… fell asleep.

Before you ask—yes, I know she’s busy. She takes care of her siblings all day. And now I finally have a job to add to my routine as well, so nights are the only time we can really talk.

But she's tired most of the time, which leaves me no other option than to be persistent and consider the idea I might not be able to propose until Easter.

I know some people don’t care about labels. She even said once "Aren’t we already acting like girlfriends?" And, yeah. Yeah, we are.

But I still need to hear it. I need to know.

Because I don’t trust things like this. I don’t trust that people stay.

And maybe that’s why I’m scared. Maybe that’s why I can’t believe I’m doing this.

I know she wanted something in real life. She told me that when we met. That she wanted someone to be there in person. And I’m not. I’m just a name on her screen, a voice in her ear.

So what if she says yes, but then realizes she doesn’t want this? What if she changes her mind? What if she gets tired of me?

And what if I get hurt again?

That’s why this doesn’t make sense. I should be running away right now. I should be telling myself it’s not worth the risk.

But for some reason, I’m not.

For some reason, I still want to try.

And I will.

Because tomorrow—April 10th, Easter Day—I’m asking her again.

And if she falls asleep this time?

I’m gonna crawl into a ball and cry and try again later.

Wish me luck, diary.

XOXO
Tired but hopeful Nini