Cigarette Daydreams

2022 part 3

A/N: I always take my time, but I always come back.

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They say that old habits never die, so that must be why Lewis returns to his old obsession. Immersed in his troubled thoughts, he observes every detail of Max's life as if he were a viewer dedicated to capturing every detail hidden from all distracted eyes, he observes the way Max walks, talks, breathes, the difference in the way the Dutchman behaves when he's with other people and when he's alone.

Sometimes he thinks he can see sadness in the things Max does, sometimes he thinks it's just his confused mind creating situations that don't exist to give him a little hope. He doesn't even know what kind of hope that is, but that's okay, he doesn't know much these days.

On the other hand, Max stands by what he said, he stays away, almost indifferent to his presence, indifferent to their story. There are days when Lewis is grateful for this, days when he has so much bitterness in his soul that he can't bear the thought of having any contact with Max. But there are other days when all he wants is to receive a smile, an affectionate hug, and it's in those moments that, after his eyes have captured the other man for as long as possible, he lets Max drip through his eyes at night onto a pillow that should belong to the blond.

No wonder his twisted mind keeps wandering through violent seas that lead to the confusion of his feelings, it still hurts to think of that night, it still hurts to think of everything that could have been, he still dreams of himself on the highest podium, and then he wakes up and it was Max who stole it from him. But it also still hurts to think that he's alone, it still hurts to remember those parting words, it hurts to remember that Max doesn't want him anymore.

Everything hurts, all the time, there are no breaks and the intensity is constant, time doesn't make anything better, talking about it doesn't make anything better, keeping it to himself only makes him madder. Lewis wonders when it will finally end, he needs a break from all these thoughts and feelings, but right now that's impossible, with the season going on it's as if he's constantly tearing the bark off the wound.

The season has started relatively recently, even if for Lewis it's going painfully slowly, only three races have passed and he already knew that it would be a huge challenge to get good results with the w13, but he still manages to surprise himself negatively. Although the first race was good compared to the other two, he knows that he can't compare too much, he knows that to be on the podium that day cost him the abandonment of the two Red Bull cars.

In fact, it was on that day that he almost forgot about Max's request and went to meet him. Starting the season with a DNF isn't easy, even more so being the current world champion, but when he thought again about the implication of the words current world champion he turned back and continued to watch from afar. That's how he discovered that Max didn't need him anymore; on the contrary, the Dutch rider looked very calm as he congratulated his rival.

When Lewis remembers this, his mouth is salted with the image of Max smiling happily at Charles, he can only think of how the blond can behave like that, it wasn't like that with the two of them at any time, not even at the beginning, no big smiles in public, no light conversations and such sincere congratulations. With him everything was difficult and painful, with Charles it's easy and pleasurable, seeing that was like the universe turning the knife in his back just to see him suffer more.

When Max won in Saudi Arabia Lewis forgot all that again and smiled in a restrained way at the very smiling Dutchman on the top step of the podium, he always loved to see Max flushed and sweaty after the race looking proud of his work. During the minutes of the podium ceremony, he forgot that he finished tenth and more than a minute behind Max, he forgot that many times during the race he wondered if that was what his life would be like from then on, fighting for positions far from the podium.