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Epilogue

Writing this epilogue made me reflect on so many things. This is the first series I have written as I enter the adulting phase of my life. I admit I had a hard time adjusting for the past year, especially since work has been demanding so much of my time. However, I'm excited to learn more about life as I grow older and experience new things that I can incorporate into my story and help me improve as a writer.

I know this is long overdue, but I'm grateful to everyone who stayed and waited for this moment. This won't be the last time you'll be seeing Xavi, Chantal, and baby Cami since we still have a few installments left. That said, let us meet again in Hari's story!

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Epilogue

"What the fuck are you doing, Xavi?! Just what the fucking fuck?!"

I wasn't sure if it was only because of the anesthesia, but I didn't feel anything as I watched my cousin miserable. I stared back at him apathetically while he was in distress. His hair was disheveled, and the buttons of his shirt weren't fastened properly. He looked like a fucking mess.

"This is the fourth time I'm visiting you here at the hospital for the same fucking reason. Sabihin mo lang kung gusto mo na dito tumira. I'm gonna rent this fucking room for your whole fucking life dahil tutuluyan na lang talaga kita."

The veins in his forehead appeared, and he was turning red. Galit na galit siya. Noong una ay pinapalampas niya lang. He wouldn't say anything and would just wait until I got better. But I guess he had already lost his patience after my fourth attempt. If I wasn't bedridden, I bet he would throw a punch at me without hesitation.

"Come on, Xav..." Hinilamos niya ang palad sa mukha nang huminga nang malalim. "I know why you're doing this, but this is not the right way to do it. This does not give you a guarantee that you'll be able to remember. You're risking your life—your safety—for something so uncertain!"

"Then why don't you suggest a better way?" malamig kong sabi. "Something that's guaranteed. Something that's certain."

Natahimik siya. He stared at me blankly, lost for words.

"Wala, 'di ba?" I mocked him.

Knoa glared at me. "That's not enough reason for you to risk your life," he said, but he quickly calmed himself to negotiate with me. "Why don't you try and seek help with professionals? I can contact your former psychiatrist, Xavi. And as far as I can see, that's already way better than your suicide missions."

I pressed my lips together. Ayaw ko siyang sagutin. It wasn't an option for me to entertain that idea.

Bumuntonghininga siya at lumapit lalo sa akin. "Xavi, you have to take care of yourself if you want to fight for the truth. And to do that, you need to start with your mental health and overcome your trauma—"

"I don't need help," I cut him off.

"Xaiver."

"I want to leave now. Can I be discharged?" sabi ko kahit na alam kong imposible dahil sa kalagayan ko. I only suffered minor injuries, but they were worse than the last time.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Wala ka na ba talagang pakialam sa buhay mo?!"

I avoided exchanging stares with him and clenched my jaw. Alam kong delikado. I know the high risk of putting my life on the line every time I try to pull an act. But for some reason, the panic and terror always made me feel satisfied after recovery.

I don't want to take the easy way. I don't want to just sit back and listen to someone who doesn't know what it feels like to be in my shoes. I don't want to forget how it feels. I don't want to overcome my trauma, thinking that's one of the factors that would make me remember.