TO LOVE A BROKEN MAN

1

Grief still had a hold on him and he became a slave to the misery of his broken heart, when he vowed to love until death do them part it never crossed his mind that Kamo would be gone before their first anniversary. All the plans they had were buried along with her never to see the light of day again because he had no life without her. That realization fuelled his anger because he didn't sign up to watch Khanya grow up without a mother.

He snuffed out his cigarette as soon as the shower stopped and laid on the bed, facing the ceiling. He didn't sleep much since the accident because there was no peace in his dreams and the lack of sleep meant he couldn't escape his reality. No one had the perfected formula on how to move on after losing a spouse, he should know because his father wasn't distraught after his mother's death. Senzo Buthelezi was back in the frontlines, unwilling to fill the void a mother's absence left in the lives of his children.

He tried grief counselling for obvious reasons but drinking and the company of strippers numbed the pain better than talking about it.

She stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, water dripping over her body and didn't care that she was leaving a trail on the floor. He held his tongue because she was no doubt pushing his buttons to get a reaction from him.

"You said you were going to quit smoking." Her speech had improved in the last couple of months and her determination to get better was something to be admired.

His gaze strayed from the ceiling when she dropped the towel and the smell of cocoa butter enticed his senses. She stood in front of the full length mirror, giving him an uninterrupted view of her nakedness. She lost drastic weight and her once fit legs resembled brittle sticks which could be snapped in half without much effort.

"Do I still look beautiful?" she asked after getting dressed.

He was caught off guard because she never lacked confidence where her body was concerned but it seemed that had changed since Xola happened.

"What do you want me to say?"

She got on the bed and straddled him. "Tell me the truth. You haven't touched me since I got here, Lwazi."

He was right to be hesitant about letting her stay because she's been trying very hard to erase Kamo's memory since her arrival and wasn't happy when he insisted on keeping her photos on display. It was important to him for Khanya to know her mother.

"I'm still mourning, you know that."

That wasn't the only reason, his libido was low off late and sometimes he didn't feel like taking the blue pill to rise to the occasion. It was a knock on his ego to know that his body was failing him at such a young age.

She rolled her eyes and frowned. "You had a cleansing ceremony done weeks ago, it's time for you to move on and you can start by taking off your ring. You're not married anymore."

It was a simple platinum band Kamo had made from the first pair of cufflinks he ever owned, so it was staying on his finger until he decided otherwise.

"I've been thinking we can get married now that my divorce has been finalized and I can get you a better ring."

They were not teenagers anymore who thought they could elope and start a new life away from their family after auntie Sthembile found them kissing in his father's car. Their relationship was not only a disgrace but a taboo that required a goat to be slaughtered in order to appease the ancestors.

"You know that can never happen," he said, stone-faced.

She didn't understand because in her mind they were always going to end up together despite the fact that they ended up marrying other people and the disapproval from family members.

"So, you've been lying to me all this time and leading me on? Do you think it was easy for me to watch you get married to her after I begged you not to go through with it?"

"Nolitha, I-"

"I'm not done," she snapped. "When I married Xola I thought I'd eventually learn to love him and be able to live outside of you but it never happened. Instead, I think I started to resent him because he wasn't you. He didn't worship my temple like you do and would never hold me after he was done."

She linked her hands behind his neck, lifting his face up for a kiss but his lips remained stiff under the subtle touch of her tongue and his whole body became tense under her watchful gaze. It was like her eyes took a deep dive into his soul.

"Let me in. I love you and I know we can make this work, give us a chance." She pleaded.

"I can't."

She pulled back, pain lurking in her eyes. "You can't or you won't."

"You know that I care for you, I really do but I can't just move on from Kamo's death at your command. You need to let me deal with this how I see fit and allow me to do what's best for Khanya."

"So an abortion was the best thing to do for our child?"

His face took on an ugly scowl. "We made that decision together because we couldn't risk anyone finding out about our relationship and you were still in school so we had no other option."

"Did it ever occur to you that I agreed because it was what you wanted?"

"Why are we talking about this? It won't change what happened."

A Whatsapp message popped up on his screen and Nolitha went for his phone because she saw it first, her disregard for his privacy was maddening.

"Why is Nomusa texting you?" She knew his playa ways too well and wasn't going to tolerate it this time not when she saw him become the husband she deserved to Kamo. It was her turn to reap the benefits after investing so many years into making him the man he was today.

"I don't know."

She let out a scornful chuckle as anger flashed in her bulging eyes. "Unlock it so we can see."

"Hai, Nolitha, what about my privacy?"
He pushed her aside and got up using a crutch, physical therapy wasn't working fast enough to heal his leg.

"Don't tell me about privacy because this is the same woman you were supporting financially behind your wife's back. Are you sleeping with her, Lwazi?"

"I buried my wife. I don't have to answer to you."

She jumped in front of him, blocking his path. "Am I not good enough to be your wife? Because you didn't think twice about coming to me when you needed to get laid. I want to know what was so special about her."

He cupped her cheek and sighed. "I want you to be happy but-"

"Let me guess," she said, raising a finger to his lips and silencing him. "You're not the one?"

Nomusa was calling and the tension worsened when Nolitha saw her name appear on the screen. He tried to grab it first but she out manoeuvred him and ran to the other side of the bed, knowing he wouldn't catch her using a crutch.

"Hey wena, s'febe! Don't call this number again." She hung up and threw his phone back on the bed. "Are you hungry?"

He didn't trust her to cook for him when it was clear anger was seeping from her pores.

"No, I'm going out for a drink."

"If you walk out that door don't bother coming back."

"This is my house, Nolitha."

The reminder was a cold hard slap to her face.

"Fine, then I will leave."
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