Trust [a. irwin]

thirty-five

I wake up in bed, even though I'm sure I fell asleep with Luke on the sofa.

Quickly, I get ready and head downstairs. I notice Luke never left. He's sleeping on the sofa, making me smile.

"Luke, wake up." I mutter, getting up and walking over to him.

"No..." He whines.

"Hey, Luke, somebody is here for you, wake up." I tell him, even though there isn't anybody.

"Just tell them to cuddle with me."

"That's not what I was expecting." I chuckle.

"Em... Cuddle with me..."

I roll my eyes, "No."

"You would always cuddle with Ashton."

"Yea, but I love Ashton."

He quickly sits up, clearly wide awake now.

"You what?"

"I love him, Luke. I do. I just don't think I should do anything about it. He's fine, I'm fine, it'll be okay." I weakly smile.

"You love him? You love him! I think you should do something about it." He smiles.

I shake my head, "No, I really shouldn't."

He then quietly mumbles something, but before I can ask him to repeat himself there's a knock at the door.

"You'll tell me what you said in a minute!" I call back at him before answering the door.

When I open the door, I roll my eyes.

"Em..."

"Why are you here, Ashton?"

"To see you, obviously." He smiles.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Luke told me." He replies, looking down at his feet.

"What an asshole." I mutter.

"Hey, I'm not an asshole! I'm trying to help!" Luke calls.

I roll my eyes, "I don't need your help!"

"But I needed his help. Em, I need to talk to you about this."

"I'm done with you. I've tried so hard, for so long, to get over you. I don't need you around me, you're bringing it all back."

"I want to bring it back. I want you to feel this way towards me."

"Why do you have to be so selfish? I got over you. You seem to forget you left me. You made it this way."

"I want to fight for what I love! I love you! Everything about you! I've never felt this way about somebody before, it freaked me out! I was scared, okay?! So I left without warning!" He yells.

I don't reply, I just stare at him, not believing what he just said.

"Yea, Em, I love you. I've been denying it for months, but seeing you in front of me now, I can't do it anymore. I love you, so much, and I need you to know that."

"I can't do this." I choke out.

I want to cry because I'm so frustrated. I want to cry because I'm still in love with him, but I wish I wasn't. I cry because this isn't fair, he can't do this to me.

"Emma, don't. Please don't."

"Goodbye, Ashton." I whisper. "I wish you the best. You guys are gonna go far, I know it. Thank you for everything you've done for me, but this is over now."

He sniffles, "Em-"

I scoff, and try to hold in my tears, "What did you think was going to happen, Ashton? You'd say you love me then I'd just fall into your arms are tell you I love you like some movie, even after what you put me through?"

"I want us to at least be friends. If you hate me, I understand. I just, I miss you so much." He whispers.

"Maybe, one day."

"You said, that maybe something with us could work, if it was the right time and we randomly ran into each other. It's happened, Em. I don't want to lose you again."

"I said that before you left me. Left. You didn't lose me."

"Em..."

I sigh, "Give me your number. If I want to talk to you any other time that I'm here, I'll call you. If I've decided I don't want this, I'm deleting it, and we're done. Don't look for me, I won't look for you."

I hand him my phone, and he quickly adds himself, and my mind wanders back to the first time we exchanged numbers.

When he texted me for the first time.

When we met up for the first time.

When we got drunk together for the first time.

All the other times we got drunk.

All of the times I had to hide the real me from him.

The times we'd cuddle for hours, talking about everything.

When he'd help me through everything, after I finally let him in.

That kiss.

The kiss that changed it all.

I admitted to myself I had feelings for him.

Everything was going so fast, I thought it would work, but he left.

The past is the past though, right?

Ashton clears his throat, snapping me back into reality.

"This is it?" He questions.

I nod, "For now, maybe."

"O-okay. I guess I'll go now." He whispers backing away from the door.

"Bye, Ashton."

He stops walking and runs a hand through his hair, "I can't do this, Em."

"Ashton."

"No, I miss you too much. I can't do it, Emma."

"Go away. Ashton, I swear if you don't get-"

"I love you. Emma Matthews, I love you!"

I look down, biting my lip as I slowly close the door.

When I turn around, Luke's standing there frowning at me.

"Why would you do that?" He asks.

"Because this won't work, Luke. How many times do I have to say it?" I harshly reply, walking past him and going to sit on the sofa.

"But you love him! He loves you! How could it not work? You're just scared!"

"I am scared! I know that! I'm so fucking scared! I've never loved somebody like this before, I've never been in a real relationship before! How do I know he really loves me? How do I know there isn't already somebody else?"

"Trust him!"

"I can't!" I scream, completely frustrated with him.

"Em-"

My breathing starts to quicken and I start pacing. Luke just stares at me, seeming worried.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"I- I can't- I can't breathe. One second." I tell him, sitting down and trying to catch my breath.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

After a few moments I reply, "It's not your fault. It's okay. I'm sorry you were here for that. I'm just so scared, Luke."

He sits next to me, "It's okay to be scared. You're fell in love and it's terrifying, I know. But, it's Ashton. Em, he really, truly loves you."

"I love him. I do. I just need to think, okay? I just need to think."

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hey. there's like, one chapter left. lmao.