If This Isn't Love

15: FEBRUARY 2017 Decision

The next day found Seokjin staring into the window of a jewelry store. He had accompanied Yoongi to the mall so that he could pick up a gift he had ordered for Selina.

He wondered if he should fight against the feelings that Yoongi's comment the previous night had brought back up. He had tried so hard to move past whatever he and Luisa may have had. Did they even have anything other than that night together? Maybe it was all in his mind. Maybe he should focus on a relationship that he could still salvage.

He stared absently at the jewelry displayed at the window of the store. The place was crowded with last-minute Valentine's Day shoppers, and he was jolted a few times by people rushing to and from the store.

"Are you gonna buy it?"

Seokjin jumped at the voice right behind his ear. He turned to see Yoongi giving him his gummy smile.

"No," he said quickly. "I was just wondering."

"About?"

"About going to Houston to see Emily."

"Oh," Yoongi replied, his smile disappearing. "So, you are serious about her."

Seokjin shook his head. "I don't know. She didn't want me to move." He turned away from the display window. "I've been unfair to her. I just expected her to pick up and follow me here without stopping to consider how she might feel. I mean, she told me she wasn't happy I was moving, but I thought she was a bit jealous."

Yoongi cleared his throat. "Jealous of...?"

Seokjin nodded. "Yeah. I told her there was no reason for that." He sighed. "I don't even know if that's the reason. I'm just not sure of anything anymore."

"But you have feelings for Luisa," the slightly shorter man said.

Seokjin frowned. "I never said I did."

"Not in words," his friend replied.

Seokjin made an impatient sound. "Christ. I slept with her. Once. That was it."

Yoongi pursed his lips. "Hm. Slept with her once. Obsessed with her ever since."

"That's not true," Seokjin snapped. "I'm not obsessed." With a snort of disgust, he began walking away, pushing through the crowd. He wasn't angry with Yoongi. He was angry with himself for being so wishy-washy. He had to make a decision.

Later that afternoon, Seokjin called Emily to tell her he was driving to Houston that night. The company had given him three days to finish moving. She sounded happy and said she couldn't wait to see him.

He threw some clothes into a bag and took off without letting anyone know. He drove straight to Emily's apartment without stopping, afraid that any delay would melt his resolve.

After a night of lovemaking, Emily was snuggled into his chest contentedly. Her breathing evened out as she fell asleep, but he could not. His mind went into overdrive. He wanted so much to be happy with Emily. He just needed to put in the effort.

It has been almost two years—two years!—since his night with Luisa. He had to stop acting like a teenager and move on. Before his whirlwind transfer to Dallas, he felt Emily wanted things to be more permanent between them. He should follow through. She had been patient enough. He'd seen the questions in her eyes whenever the topic of his friends came up, especially any reference to Luisa.

Of course, his traitorous mind went back to Luisa Cruz. He thought about her incredible intelligence and wit. She always kept him on his toes. He closed his eyes and pictured her incredibly sexy body, even though she never flaunted it. It only served to make him desire her even more, knowing what lay beneath her prim clothing. He recalled the wild abandon of her passion that fateful night, and his body convulsed. He was becoming aroused, and he tried to slip his arm from under Emily's body. The overwhelming need to get away from the woman who wasn't Luisa was becoming urgent.

Emily felt his movement, and her eyes fluttered open. "What's wrong, baby?"

Seokjin smiled. "N-Nothing. I was just...just..." He gave a loud inhale when her hand reached down between his legs and grabbed hold of him.

"This doesn't feel like nothing," she cooed. She began to work her hand up and down his length.

He threw his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes. Focus on this moment. Focus on this woman. Emily's hands, lips, and body were all over him, but at the moment of his release, only one syllable reverberated in his mind: Lu.

In the early morning, Seokjin woke up to the sound of rain. He slipped on a sweater and stood by the window. His eyes blinked at the blurry world before him. He sighed. It seemed his entire existence had become unfocused.

He thought coming back to Emily would make things clearer, and it had in a way. He wanted to love her. He wanted to be the man who would make her happy. He genuinely liked her, but he knew he didn't love her. It became clear to him that his heart was not in this relationship. It wasn't fair to her to continue it.

With another sigh, he turned away from the window. It was somehow fitting that he would drive home in the cold rain.