If This Isn't Love

38: OCTOBER 2018 - If This Isn't Love

Luisa sat still, her eyes still on Seokjin. He hadn't moved, hadn't reacted to her words except to put his beer down.

His gaze slid away from hers for a few moments before he turned back to her.

"You will need to explain what you mean very clearly," he said.

She nodded. "Yes." She fidgeted with her hands. "I'm sorry that I've made you wait so long for a definitive answer from me. I'm sorry that I pushed you away before. You see," she inhaled. "I thought that...that..." Her voice faded away.

"That?" he prompted. His dark eyes never left hers.

"Uh, that you couldn't possibly love someone like me," she finished softly.

"Someone like you?" he repeated.

She nodded. "Y-Yes. Someone like me who was a one-night stand. Someone who just slept with you for no reason. A girl like that's not girlfriend material. I've been ashamed of myself for doing that. I had convinced myself that there was nothing else between us, that you deserved better."

She choked up on the last words and looked down.

Seokjin processed her words for a moment. He got up from his seat and sat next to her.

"Lu," he said gently, taking one of her hands in his. "You are one of the most intelligent people I know," he paused. "But that is one of the dumbest, most ridiculous things I've ever heard."

"What?" she cried, snapping her head up to look at him.

He laughed. "You mean to tell me that all this time, you thought you weren't good enough for me because we slept together? How does that make any sense?"

"We slept together because I threw myself at you," she said. "We didn't have a relationship. I just had sex with you because of some stupid reason. Since then I've tried to tell myself that it didn't matter, but, well, it seems that every time we might have gotten close to each other, the sex got in the way."

"What sex?" he asked with a smile. "We haven't had sex since that one time. It's been so long ago that I don't even count it anymore. I think that the memory has expired."

"You think it's funny," she mumbled.

He let out an exasperated laugh. "Sort of. I mean, just because we slept together that one time, you think it takes you out of girlfriend consideration? Why don't you let me be the judge of that? I'm the one who's been running after you all these years. Do you honestly think that I've been after you for three years just to have sex with you one more time?" He scoffed. "You think I'm that pathetic?"

"Of course not," she said. "I didn't mean that you would never get anyone else to have sex with you—" she frowned. "You have."

"Lu," he said softly.

She shook her head. "That doesn't matter right now. What I meant was that I didn't think a man would be serious with a girl that he was able to...to have so easily. Why would you still be interested in me after that night? That's what I thought. Do you still think it's funny?"

"No—well, yes, kind of," he replied. "Look at me." He waited until she was facing him. "I have wanted to tell you how I feel for so long now, It's been on the tip of my tongue so many times, but something always happened. Some of those times, I just said it wrong, and you immediately assumed that all I wanted was to have sex with you. And while that was true, it wasn't because I wanted another one-night stand or some meaningless hook-up. I thought I made that clear a long time ago."

Luisa was forcing herself not to burst into tears. All she could do was nod.

He squeezed her hand. "My feelings for you have only grown in these passing years. I long to have you near me, Lu. I long to see you next to me every day and every night. I long to make love to you slowly and whisper my words in your ear. I long to make love to you until you scream your love for me, and afterward, I will hold you in my arms all night, every night."

Luisa bit her lip and tried to look away, but he held her chin firm with his fingers.

"Lu, I accept your unnecessary apology because I want you to forget about all of that. It doesn't matter anymore—any of it. All that matters now is that you are here, and I am here, and we both feel the same way." He caressed her face. "I love you. I love everything about you. I have loved you for a long time."

Luisa brought up her hand and covered his as it caressed her cheek. "Jin, I love you, too. I think I have loved you for a lot longer than I realized. I was just too stupid and too proud to admit it to myself. I was denying myself because I felt ashamed and unworthy. And then other women fell in love with you and—and—"

"And I'm telling you right now that all of that doesn't matter to me. No one else matters," Seokjin said. He pulled her into his chest and held her. "The only person who matters to me is in my arms. I have never forced you to accept me. I've always done what you asked. I only ever wanted you to be happy. If this isn't love, then I don't know what love is."

She couldn't help it. She began sobbing, burying her face into his shirt. "Jin, I love you, but I'm so sorry. I'm such a stupid fool. I almost ruined everything."

He patted her back. "No. Don't think of it like that. Nothing was ruined. Everything will be okay. Don't cry. You should be happy. After all, you have me now. I'd think you'd be laughing with joy. I'm quite a catch, you know."

A small laugh burst out amid her sobs, and she moved away from him, rubbing at her eyes. "Stop that. Just when I think I can't love you any more than I already do, you say something that proves me wrong."

"Perfect!" he exclaimed. "Get ready to love me even more." He pulled her back into his arms and kissed her tenderly. "I'm glad that we've been friends for so long and that we've been through so much together because it strengthened my love and affection for you. I hope you feel the same way."

Luisa kissed him back. "Yes. I do. Maybe it was meant to be this way."

Seokjin smiled. "I think it was." He hugged her tightly. "Well, here we are."

She sighed. "What should we do now?"

His arm tightened around her shoulders. "Um, you really shouldn't ask me that."

She pulled away from him. "Really? You're already thinking about that?"

He straightened up. "W-Well, why is that bad? I mean, we love each other, and it's a natural expression of love. But I'm not a maniac. How about you go and get ready so that we can go out to dinner? Maybe a movie. What do you say?"

She smiled. "Okay." She got to her feet. "I'll rush home and get ready. Is an hour okay?"

He also got up from the sofa. "An hour is too long, but I can wait." He smiled as she walked to the door. "Oh, and maybe you can wear that black dress you wore for your party?"

She whirled around. "You remember the dress?" She seemed stunned.

He was already holding her by the time he replied. "Of course I remember that dress. How could I not?" He nuzzled her cheek. "I fantasize about peeling it off you with my teeth."

She shivered and pushed him away gently. "Okay, okay. I'll see you in an hour."

This time, he kissed her deeply and hungrily, leaving them both breathless. "Hurry. The clock's ticking."

Without another word, she went out the door.

Seokjin brought his hand up to his lips. He had never felt such nervous electricity coursing through his body before. If this isn't love, he thought, then love doesn't exist.