If This Isn't Love

39: NOVEMBER 2018 - And More Waiting

Luisa had greatly enjoyed her time with Seokjin at the Halloween party thrown by Selina and Yoongi at their new penthouse apartment. Two weeks before that, she had enjoyed her first official date with Seokjin after the incident with Lydia had been cleared up. It was so nice to be good friends with the person you loved.

However, she had not yet agreed to have sex with Seokjin. They'd shared many passionate kisses, but she always stopped him after that. He had tried everything to get her to agree—and his seductions had been so difficult to resist—and yet she had not given in. She wanted to prove that their relationship was not based solely on physical attraction.

No. She was lying to herself. She knew she loved him, and she knew that she was insanely attracted to him. She just wasn't sure if sex would make their relationship better or worse.

So much time had passed since their drunken one-night stand that she wasn't sure if she would end up disappointing him after this long wait. What if they slept together, and he realized that she wasn't what he wanted? What if the goal did not live up to the pursuit? So many years of anticipation had made their eventual sexual relationship a mythical expectation. What if she didn't live up to it?

So, after their latest date, Seokjin had insisted that she come over to his place for drinks. Then, he insisted that she stay because he was too drunk to drive her home. And he wouldn't think of sending his girlfriend off in an Uber so late at night. Reluctantly, she agreed to stay although she knew where it was heading.

"So, are you ready for bed?" he asked casually, looking down into his glass of whisky.

"Jin," she admonished gently.

"What?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"I'm staying here, but it's not so that we can have sex."

"I'm just wondering if you're sleepy. That's all. We can certainly stay here and watch a movie or something." He gulped the rest of his drink. "I think I'll get myself another." He scrambled to his feet.

Luisa stared after him as he rushed to pour himself another whisky to drown his frustration. She knew he was disappointed. No, she knew that she had disappointed him yet again. What was wrong with her? He'd certainly remained patient although he'd kept trying to persuade her to change her mind. He hadn't laid down any ultimatums or gotten angry. But everytime she said no, she could see how the rejection hurt him.

He lingered in the kitchen, throwing down another shot of liquor.

She got up and went into the kitchen. "Hey, maybe you've had enough." She ran her hand down his broad back.

He shook his head. "No, I haven't. I'm fine."

"I don't think you are," she began. "I know that you're disappointed with me—"

"Don't say that," he interrupted, turning his head to look at her, but still not facing her directly. "You have every right to dictate the terms of that part of our relationship. I'm not blaming you in any way."

"I know you're not," she sighed. "I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but..." She shrugged and turned away.

He grabbed her arm and turned her toward him. "But what? Is it me you don't trust?" He placed both hands on her shoulders. "Babe, I can't do anything about my past if that's what you're wondering about. None of those women matter to me anymore." He inhaled. "And in case you were wondering, I'm clean. I've had myself tested. You have nothing to fear about that."

She bit her lip. "I know that. I know that you're very responsible. That's not what I meant." She paused. "I don't know how to say it."

"Please, baby, just tell me," he pleaded.

She threw her head back and looked up at the ceiling for a moment before looking down again. "The thing is, well, you've waited for so long and...and what if you're disappointed."

"In what?" he asked, confused. "In you? Baby, that's never going to happen. How could you ever disappoint me?"

"I mean, in bed," she whispered.

He chuckled and hugged her. "Oh, that's exactly what I meant. Lu, I can still replay every moment we spent together that glorious night. It was magical. It was life-changing for me. I have never felt that way since. It was transcendent. It was—"

"Stop," she muttered. "That's what I mean. What if so much time has passed that you've built it up to be something that it was not. What if I don't live up to your expectations? What if you realize you don't want me the same way?"

He pulled back and held her at arm's length. "Lu, what are you talking about? That's never even crossed my mind. I don't have expectations of your sexual performance. That's crazy. I won't stop loving you no matter what." He smiled. "And I seriously doubt that having sex with you will make me love you any less. I've loved you all these years, and we've only made love once. You have a powerful hold on me, my love. I hope you don't think that sex equals love to me because that couldn't be further from the truth."

She sniffled a bit and burrowed her face into his chest. "I'm...I'm sorry I'm being so silly."

"No, not at all," he murmured into her hair. "You know I love you. I will wait forever for you." He paused a beat. "Uh, well, you know what I mean. Maybe forever is an exaggeration."

She looked up at him. "I want our first time to be special."

"It was."

She blinked then hit his chest gently. "I mean, our first time now that we're in a serious relationship. We are in a serious relationship, right?"

"Lu, you wound me with that question," he replied. "If I were any more serious, I'd be doing your taxes right now instead of wondering what it would be like to kiss you again."

She smiled. "You can kiss me."

His eyebrow curved up. "Anywhere I want?"

"Jin, I—" she began. "I...ooohhhh," she felt her knees shake when his lips found her neck. She could feel the raspiness of his tongue as he circled it around a sensitive spot before he sucked gently. Then he blew softly over the spot, and she melted into his arms with a moan.

"Are you ready for bed now?" he whispered into her ear.

She knew that he felt her shiver and that he knew she was at the end of her control. Her heart was racing, and the ache between her legs was so distracting. She wanted him. She wanted him so badly. She was on the verge of saying yes.

He pulled away from her. "Okay, then. Why don't you go find something we can watch on TV? I'll bring us another drink."

Luisa struggled to catch her breath. "O-Okay...I'll...go find something." She almost stumbled on her way back to the couch. She looked back toward the kitchen.

Seokjin turned slightly toward her, observing her without expression. Scratch that. His expression spoke volumes. He knew he had her. He knew she was his for the taking. His eyes promised so many things. His eyes...

She rubbed her hand over the goosebumps on her arm. She still hadn't caught her breath. She squeezed her thighs together, trying to still the throbbing that was threatening to overtake her entire body.

Next time he asked if she was ready for bed, she wondered how fast she'd run into his bedroom.