just the way you are

it was almost funny

---Notes---

Sup. So here we are with a chapter that is both meh and makes me want to punch a brick wall. I love it. I love this entire fic, who am I kidding LMAO

anYwaYS, here it is. Enjoy

Also

Please don't kill me

I'm not going to put the TWs because it spoils it but hey nah

Have fun

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The pain didn't seem to want to leave him alone.

It crept up on him in the dim light of the TV, sending a new pang of grief shuddering through him. He hadn't cried since yesterday, but he felt like he was about to again. The base was silent, and maybe if he closed his eyes, he could imagine everything was okay. And that Donnie was in his lab, inventing and doing science stuff like he always did. Did. What a horrible word. Like he does. Does. He had to believe that it was something he was still around to do.

But the door to the lab was locked shut. Leo had tried to weld it shut, but he had stopped him out of anger. He wasn't ready to move on, and Donnie wouldn't have wanted them to shut up his lab like he had never mattered. He understood how Leo was feeling. He wanted to pretend it had never happened.

Raph just wanted his brother back.

He sat in silence. He could hear something happening in the kitchen. Probably Mikey, making sure they ate by cooking up something he couldn't resist. He could smell pancakes.

Which meant it was breakfast time, and he'd been awake all night, pacing between his room and the kitchen, as well as crying on the lounge in the main room. He was in a state of silent shock. It was like his brain couldn't catch up.

Couldn't come to terms with the fact that Donatello was gone.

There was a T-phone sitting next to him on the lounge, and it wasn't his. It was Donnie's. He must have forgotten it in his haste yesterday. Gently, he picked up the relic, the reminder of what he'd lost.

He stroked the device with his thumb, trying to stop the tears in his eyes. "Why did you have to die, Donnie?" His hand clenched around the T-phone, and suddenly he couldn't take it. "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE?!"

He threw it as hard as he could across the room. It landed, the screen cracking.

Mikey rushed out of the kitchen. "Raph, what's happening out here?" he asked, but his voice was duller and more tired than usual.

"What's wrong? What's wrong?" he laughed. "Donnie's gone, that's what's wrong. I can't... I won't..." Raph sank to his knees. "Sorry Mikey, I just... I can't deal with it, okay?"

"Neither can I, bro. Neither can I." Mikey turned, picking up the T-phone. "Do you want me to put this with the... his mask? Can I put it with Dee's mask? Leo tried to find it, and I hid it from him. He's already tried to trash his lab and bedroom..."

Raph looked up at his younger brother. "Leo isn't coping at all, Mikey. I just wish he wouldn't go all rage on us like this. It's almost as if he wants to destroy all reminders of D-" he couldn't finish the sentence, a lump forming in his throat.

Mikey sat beside him on the ground, hugging his knees. "I made pancakes, if you want any. Casey's gone looking for April."

He didn't understand why, even though April was their friend. He didn't really consider her as such anymore, when he'd seen her destroy his brother. And then she turned on them and attacked them after she realised she couldn't bring him back. The tears he'd been holding leaked from his eyes.