DNS 2

Chapter 18 - Questioning

I needed to make sure he was ok.

I wanted to make sure they were both ok.

Yes I'm here with Lando and I can't even bring myself to think what emotions he's been dealing with today, but I'm completely torn. All I can think about is Charles being stuck with no way home and alone, and the fact the only reason he's here... is because he came here for me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that we could recover anything romantically, I've well and truly fucked things to the point of no return when it comes to that possibility, and nor do I want that anymore - but that doesn't suddenly erase the years and years of our friendship and our relationship.

Just because things haven't turned out how I'd hoped or always pictured in my head, doesn't diminish or take anything away from the fact he has been my best friend for as long as I can physically remember. He has been my constant.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now, why do I feel a sense of almost guilt for sitting here and thinking and worrying about Charles. I shouldn't feel guilt at all - the relationship I have with Lando is so new, and I'm beyond certain that it's what I want, no part of me is questioning that. But every part of me just wants to reach out to Charles, I'll never not love him.

I don't even mean love in a romantic sense anymore by any means - I mean a deep love for him as a person that I don't think is ever going to go away.

Looking back on things, I think I always figured because I loved him so much, so deeply - that it meant I loved him and wanted him as a partner, I'd always fantasised about a future with him and a relationship with him, and that's where I fucked up.

I wonder how different things might be right now if I didn't cross that line, would he still be my best friend? Would we still be ok?

I'm laid here in bed next to Lando, staring at the ceiling in this hotel room as his arm is wrapped around my waist while he's fast asleep. The same hotel room where I made the decision to choose him... to choose him over Charles.

I don't regret my actions or the decision I've made, but I regret more than anything how I've went about things, I regret more than anything - that I'd hurt my best friend. Until this moment laid here deeply thinking about these last few months, I hadn't actually realised the gravity of what I'd done.

I can't picture a future without Charles in it. I don't want a future without Charles in it. Is that completely insane? Is that even possible now? Is that selfish of me to even want? I honestly don't know. I'm questioning everything.

If there's one thing I'm clearly good at doing - it's being consistent in making bad decision after bad decision, and self sabotaging everything I have good in my life.

What a pity party this is turning into, and tomorrow morning I'm going to meet Lando's parents, in potentially the worst circumstances I could have ever imagined. This is too much, too fast.

He's fast asleep - but his phone is going crazy. It's the middle of the night? Surely this isn't his parents messaging at this time. I want to grab his phone from the other side of the bed so badly and look at it, but after my assumptions earlier - I also don't want to be that paranoid person who feels the need to invade his privacy and be looking for an issue when he's told me there's nothing to worry about.

I'm waking him up. It's vibrated one two many times - and it could actually be something urgent.

I shake him, "Lando, Lando - have a look at your phone please and check everything is ok, it's been going off quite a lot."

He's half asleep but rolls over to grab his phone after I've managed to wake him, his eyes barely peeled open - squinting at his phone screen as he's hit with the brightness. He quickly swipes across on the notifications before putting the phone under his pillow and rolling back over to face me. "It's nothing don't worry about it, I don't need to deal with any of that right now let's just go back to sleep." He mutters sleepily.

I wasn't worried to be totally honest - but now I am because he's told me not to? Why would he say that if it was nothing?

"What do you mean you don't have to deal with it right now? Is everything ok?" I ask.

"It's just her again she's obviously just drunk trying to get my attention, just don't worry about it Lil."

What? So it's a persistent booty call? And he's said it's 'her' again so casually as if this is something thats just normal and happens often. Surely he would have just cut it off by now if he hadn't seen or been in contact with her for as long as he said? Am I just overthinking this as usual...

I lay here for a few minutes until he's fallen back asleep before reaching over as slowly and silently as I possibly can, trying to not cause any movement while I carefully slide the phone from underneath his pillow. Why am I like this? What the fuck am I doing?

My heart sinks.

He's lied.

I've trusted my gut to look, terrified at the outcome - the last message I can see from her without clicking and opening it is far worse than I even imagined.

"Baby why are you ignoring me? The apartment is so lonely without you - when are you back?"

What the actual fuck?...

How is this a message you'd get from a 'kind of ex' someone who you've made out was meaningless and before anything happened between us?

She's literally in his fucking apartment asking when he's coming back. How has he been able to so easily pull the wool over my eyes and make me believe him?! Has literally everything he's said to me been a lie?

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