DNS 2

Chapter 22 - Familiarity

Pondering... thinking how to respond. I've been silent on the other end of the line for what seems like forever. "Lilly are you still there?" Charles asks.

"Charles I don't know what to say, I wish it wasn't like this, I'm so confused - my head is allover the place right now, I just want to come back home but I can't and I'm just sorry that things have ended up like this."

"Why can't you come back home? Is there anything I can do? I wish things weren't like this either Lil, I wish he wasn't in the picture at all but he is." He sounds completely defeated while he's speaking and it's absolutely breaking my heart.

"I'm so sorry Charles, I know apologising doesn't make up for anything - or change anything, but I need you to believe me. Theres nothing you can do, I'm stuck here and I don't have my passport to get home but I promise as soon as I'm back I'll come and talk to you face to face because I think we need that, and I just don't know what to do...."

I'm flooded with emotions, so overwhelmed and I have no idea why but I immediately burst into tears, I just can't hold it back. Everything I've been holding in just explodes out of me, there's something about speaking with Charles that just makes me feel so safe and so at home that I can't pretend around him.

I don't think I'd truly understood the depth of what our relationship really was until this moment... how much he truly means to me. How long he had been the only constant in my life - How much his voice still has a hold over me.

"Lilly, Lilly?! What's wrong please tell me now, I can hear you crying please just talk to me, what's going on?" He sounds frantic and panicked as he almost shouts down the phone at me.

"I don't know, I don't know what to do or what to think or what I want and I'm so scared Charles, I'm so so scared." I can barely breathe getting my words out to him.

"Why are you scared please tell me what's going on? I wish I was there with you, I can't do anything from here but please just talk to me."

"I fucked up so badly. I really fucked up." Panting and crying, breathing like id just ran a marathon.

"Lil please breathe, talk to me."

"Charles... I'm still pregnant, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go through with it, and I'm so scared, I'm so fucking scared Charles, and I'm alone and I'm panicking and I just don't know what to do." I'm blabbering down the phone barely making out a single clear word as I sob to him.

"What?!?!."

"Where exactly are you right now? I'm coming. Send me your location and I will be there. Don't be scared, you're not alone and you're never going to be." He sounds almost relieved as opposed to a reaction of shock which I was expecting from him.

I send him the hotel address, whether this is the right decision or not - I don't know? Actually I think he was only asking out of formality... I know he still has me on find my iPhone.

I just want him here, and I don't want to be alone - that's all I do know.

I'm so hurt right now, I'm disappointed in how Lando has dealt with things. That doesn't mean for one minute that my feelings have miraculously disappeared for him - because they haven't. I'm completely fucking in love with him, and my god I wish that I wasn't.

I'm so painfully torn - I hope he's ok, I hope his family is ok and that he's having the conversations he needs to be having. I wish he hadn't left how he had - but I also fully understand why he did as much as it breaks my heart.

I end the call with Charles and begin what seems like the longest walk of my life back towards the hotel check in desk, I need to book a new room - that's for sure.

This room that was so special to me, and kind of still is in a way - now somehow leaves the most bitter taste in my mouth, it's became the room I was left in, the room Lando and I's relationship has potentially fell apart in. I have to keep reminding myself, as much as I don't want to - that he's left me. He doesn't want to be with me? I'm so strangely numb right now.

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