Have I made a mistake? All I can think about as I sit here pretty much questioning my entire existence - and every decision I've made over the last year, is... what the fuck am I doing?
At so many points I've had everything I thought I ever wanted, the man I always fantasised about and always wanted to be with - then came the chance to drive again, followed by the fire and butterflies towards someone I never even expected. All of these emotions are completely overshadowed by this overwhelming consuming fear of what's to come next...
I hate the unknown.
Ive realised I absolutely hate not being in control and not being able to predict anything, I'm truly the worst overthinker and I've already made up 272828 scenarios in my head before anything's even happened, surely I'm not alone in this?
But seriously... fuck. I could lose everything.
Hours pass by as I stare blankly at the wall before me, I've even started counting the bobbles under the paint - it's that kind of 90s popcorn style wall, but atleast the ugly decor is giving me something to focus on. For now anyway.
The silence and my focus is quickly broken by a loud knocking at my hotel room door...
"Lil, it's me... I'm here, let me in."
Reality hits. Charles is here, he's actually here? How on earth has he actually got here so quickly? I mean I know he's fast - no pun intended, but he can't teleport. He must have set off the moment I spoke with him, and as much as I'm nervous and slightly panicking - all I feel is complete relief.
All my worries and everything I've been questioning sitting here in this room alone seem to completely disappear as I run to open the door.
"Charles. CHARLES." I almost crumble as soon as his eyes meet mine.
"Come here, everything's going to be ok Lil." He speaks the words so softly while wrapping his arms around me, I just feel completely safe. As I always did with him.
In a split moment, his facial expression and tone of voice changes to sudden anger.
"He really fucking left you here alone?!"
"Yet you've still chosen him over me."
"Really Charles? What do you want me to say to that? It's not even a question it's just a dig." I honestly don't know what else to reply at this moment, he's not even wrong - he just didn't need to make that comment, what good would come from that?
"I'm sorry Lil, I didn't want to come here to argue or make you feel worse, I'm just frustrated with everything that's happened. You know how much I love you."
I hear nothing he says except how much he loves me, and I know he does. I have to stop myself from almost just melting in front of him and doing the wrong thing - like I always do. I made my choice and I have to deal with that, but there's just this love for Charles I can't seem to shake. It's a deep unexplainable love, but I can't do this again. I can't go back. I can't mess around with his feelings when I know deep down I'd jump to Lando in a heartbeat- it's not fair.
I do love Charles, but it's a different kind of love, it's still love all the same - but not the love he wants or needs from me, and i just can't change that now.
Even now sitting in his arms, I feel so safe and loved and calm - but I honestly wish that it was Lando here beside me, I wish he hadn't left. How awful is that...
"Here I want you to take a look at this lil"
He hands me sheets of paper, I'm completely confused at first glance - but after scanning over them I quickly realise that these are legal documents... he's requesting a DNA test. Is this seriously something he can do?! Is this why he came?!
I thought he'd came here for me, how naive am I? How actually egotistical and self centred am I that I truly thought he'd jumped to come here as basically a saviour. All the feelings of calm and love and safety have been stripped in this moment - he's just here to find out if this baby is his. How did he even source legal documents to quickly when I'd only just revealed to him I was still pregnant?
"Charles you can't be serious? I'm pretty sure a DNA test is dangerous to do before a baby is born, but not only that - is that the reason you came here?"
"Lil don't make this harder, I didn't come here to argue and I don't want to upset you but I deserve to know the truth don't I?"
Before I can even get a word in he stands up and begins to pace back and forth in the hotel room, heavy breathing and mumbling to himself - I can tell he's not said everything on his mind.
"I just..." "I don't.." he stops and starts but just isn't getting his words out.
"I just have to be the father. It has to be me - It can't be him Lil, it surely can't be."
"Charles I just can't tell you that it is with 100% certainty and I'm so sorry for that but I can't lie to you, I'm not going to do that."
He stops me in my tracks with his next words...
"Do you want the baby to be mine, or do you want it to be his?"
Hearing those words makes me question everything, because actually thinking about it... I think I honestly this baby to have Charles as a father, something suddenly clicks and changes in my mind as if I've just seen the light as some might say, but there's no one in the world I could ever imagine raising a child with other than Charles. He's perfect. He would be the perfect father.
Fuck.
Am I actually just so broken and in need of excitement and drama and attention that I've latched onto the thrill of Lando, I've painted this rose tinted ideal picture of him and I being perfect for eachother. Or have I? I honestly don't fucking know.
"I want this baby to be yours Charles". There... I've said it, there's no going back now.
"So you want me to be the father and us to have a child together, but you want to be in a relationship with him? Is that what you're saying?" He sounds almost exhausted as he speaks, I know he's just had enough of my bullshit at this point. I would have myself if I were him.
"Hey, open the door please beautiful. I can't put into words how sorry I am, just let me in please."
My heart stops. Panic sets in.
Lando's voice from outside the door. He's back. SHIT.
He must have spoke to the reception and found out I was still here and had moved rooms. I can't even explain the sheer terror that is washing over my body. I look at Charles praying he doesn't make a sound. But he gets up - and walks toward the door...
I wish I could evaporate right now.
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YOU ARE READING
DNS 2
Fanfiction*MUST READ BOOK 1 FIRST* Book 2 of DNS, as we follow Lilly's journey throughout the next year of her life she must face tough decisions. Hurt, loss, betrayal and love. Will anything end up how she thought - or hoped it would?
