The sound of machines beeping, shouting, screams of pain & panic.
So much is happening outside of this hospital room as time passes me by. Although to me laid in here it feels as if time is completely standing still. In this moment, I'm unable to move - unable to speak, staring off into the distance as if there weren't a single thought in my head. But I can assure you - there were many.
My emotions have bolted from shock, to happiness, to eventual despair.
I'm 22.
I don't want to have a baby, I don't want the responsibility of looking after someone else when I can barely look after myself, my mind is going into complete overdrive and all I can think about is how selfish I am. How selfish am I to have these thoughts? But they're true.
I've just started living, I've finally got to a place in my life where I can do the things I actually want to do. Is it so wrong of me for feeling that I'm at a loss?
I can't do this.
Sliding the door of my room open, Charles stands there at the entrance, his face a pasty white and a level of confusion in his eyes id never seen - standing in silence and clearly waiting for me to say something. But I have nothing.
"Amour is it mine?" He says, eventually breaking his silence.
The question we all want the answer to. The question I don't have the answer to.
"Yes it's yours."
What brought me to reply yes to Charles, I don't know. The words flew from my lips as I looked into his eyes, I couldn't control myself. Why have I said this to him when I don't know who's it is? This just isn't fair at all - what on earth am I doing?!
I jolt in pain as he wraps his arms around me, still extremely bruised and in pain from the crash, catching eye contact with Lando for a brief moment as he remains seated in the waiting area outside.
Reluctantly Charles releases me. "I'm sorry amour I'm just so happy, I can't believe this, we're going to be parents."
His words pierce straight through me. I shouldn't have said the baby was his, and I wish the nurse hadn't said anything in front of either of them. I'd rather no one have known. He's saying we're going to be parents? I don't even know if that's what I want, I don't know if I can do that.
When I pictured a future with Charles, all I wanted was him & children and a happy life. But that's just what it was - it was a future. It wasn't now.
"I... I don't know if I want to have the baby Charles." Somehow the words manage to pass my lips, although barely more than a whisper.
"What do you mean? It's a baby, it's our baby?! Don't be stupid you're just in shock." He snaps at me.
I wasn't at all expecting that reaction from Charles. I'm not entirely sure what reaction I thought he would have but it wasn't to tell me I'm being stupid or insinuate that this isn't a choice of mine.
"Charles I just need a moment I just don't know what I'm feeling right now, everything's a mess." Trying with every ounce of strength I have left to stop myself from bursting into tears.
"Please can you ask Lando to come in for a moment so I can talk to him." I ask.
He grunts, unhappy with my request, but in his mind all he wants is for me to tell Lando that it's not his baby, I can tell from the look on his face.
He leaves the room as I watch the briefest of interactions between them both. Lando now standing up from the small chair outside, slowly and nervously making his way towards the door that separates us.
"Are you ok?" He says softly. The first thing he asks as he enters the room. Just the fact he walked in and asked about how I was rather than needing answers, instantly brings the tears I was holding back to flood from my eyes. It's like the damn had finally broken. I can't stop crying.
"I'm sorry Lando I'm not ok at all I don't know what to do, I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want my life to change right now, I know that's selfish but Im just not ok right now." Blubbering as much of that out as I could, barely able to form sentences through my tears and panicked breathing.
"Hey, hey stop that now. You're not selfish, you didn't plan for this to happen, but it has so just take a second and breathe, calm down and we go from there ok. Come here." His words are so calming, so reassuring as he always was. Lightly placing his arms around me as to not hurt me further. I eventually begin to calm.
"Thank you Lando, I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so glad you're here."
"Is it my baby or Charles? Actually that doesn't matter right now Lil, but you do need to decide whether you want to have this baby or not before it's too late, I don't mean to put pressure on you but you're finding out late and I know it's a shock but you need to make a decision. I'll be here for you either way."
Landos words are true. He speaks directly to me, not sternly in any way - just matter of fact.
I can't have this baby.
"I don't want this baby Lando." Again bursting into tears, saying it aloud just made me realise the gravity of what it was I was actually saying.
"Ok lil, hey stop, that's ok. You need to tell the nurse that."
"I need to tell Charles Lando." I say.
"So it is his? I'll go and find the nurse and send Charles in on my way."
"Lando! ...wait, no." "No" I say again.
"No I don't think it is his, but I don't know who's it is, she said I was 12 weeks pregnant so it could be either of yours, but I told Charles it was his and I don't know why."
Why I'm telling him this - I have no idea. For some reason around Lando he provided this sense of comfort and safety and he always had. From the first night I met him at the storage unit when I opened up to him about everything. He's always made me feel like I can say anything to him without judgement.
"You really don't help yourself do you." He laughs. "I'm not going to say anything to Charles but you really should. I'll go and get the nurse."
He kisses my forehead before making his way out the door. There was something different with Lando's demeanour, it was as if he were protecting me but I wasn't sure from what? The hurt I was causing myself? The potential of me making a decision I regret? I wasn't sure. But it really felt like he was here, sheltering me almost.
As Charles enters the room, the energy completely changes - I can't explain it but it seemed to become tense in a way, Charles was always my safe place, I don't know why I was feeling so uneasy around him.
"So did you tell him it's not his? Maybe he will finally leave you alone now he knows we're going to be a family." He says.
I'm shocked, and unsure what to respond at all. Did Charles think having a baby with me would somehow fix everything? Is his motive behind wanting this baby purely to get Lando out of the picture?
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I was going to leave posting this until Friday but here's a teaser chapter for you all ❤️
Three more chapters coming Friday...
Please vote using the star or comment on the story so I can see if people are enjoying or engaging id really appreciate it 😘
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DNS 2
Fanfiction*MUST READ BOOK 1 FIRST* Book 2 of DNS, as we follow Lilly's journey throughout the next year of her life she must face tough decisions. Hurt, loss, betrayal and love. Will anything end up how she thought - or hoped it would?
