Love Me 'Till the Day I Die [UNDER CONSTRUCTION]

Chapter 18 - Unexpected // part 2

          I scooped it up from the drawer and began to squint at the shiny, metallic words printed on the cover. The words 'Do Not Read' were written in silver sharpie. I flipped open to the first page of the notebook, ignoring the message on the front and began to read.

6/20/ 94

So... I just got this notebook and I'm not really sure what to do with it. Or what I'm going to do with it. So for now I might just write down my feelings in it every one in a while. so... here goes nothing I guess

- J.J.

        The initials 'J.J.' in that sort of handwriting are more familiar to me than my own name. They stand for Jennifer Jaiso, my mother's initials... It's my mom's notebook. All these years she's had this notebook and I have never, not once seen her with it. Let alone was I aware she even had it. I skimmed through and skipped to one of the later pages

1/1/95                                                                                                                                                                                         That's right, it's New Year's day. New year, new me, right? No. Well, sure it may be a new year, but I haven't changed a bit. I've only learned a bit more about myself. ( Brace yourself )                                         I don't think I'm gay...                                                                                                                                                                    I know. crazy talk, right? Well guess what happened today? I kissed a guy and got his number at a new year's party. At my mother's house. My mother is the biggest heterophobe I know. She can't stand straight people, and if she ever found out about this guy, she'd murder me in cold blood. I'm not sure what to do, but I'll get back on it later.

-J.J.

         That explains it all... Why I'm hetero and not homosexual like everyone else is. This explains why she would always go silent and act uncomfortable when momma A. would talk about how weird heterosexuals were. But if she's straight... why would she marry a woman?                                                          

8/13/98

I'm glad to see my mother happy. Although it's not what I want, I'm doing it for her. I mean, she has been amazing to me ever since I met her, but I never wanted to marry a woman. I didn't even plan on marrying anyone at all for that matter. But anything to see my mother smile... Or maybe it's the fact that she'd probably disown me if I married a guy. Nonetheless, she's satisfied. I may not be, but not everything has to be about me, does it.

-J.J

          I can relate to these entries on so many levels it's kinda scary. I was thinking about coming out to my parents, but I really was afraid they'd disown me. Or at least my mom Amanda would. Jennifer, now that I know she went through the exact same things, I'm sure she'd accept me. It doesn't make the situation better, the fact that she's on a flight.

I'm about to read another entry when the phone rings. Amanda answers it.

"Hello"

"Yes, this is her... Is everything okay?"
 I hop off my parents' bed and move toward the wall to get a better listen.  I can hear both ends, but very faintly.

"Mrs. Jaiso, we ----- there are several ------ way. Okay?------ " ( ---- is when Maddi can't hear what they're saying.)

"Oh my god!!" She yells

I pull myself away from the wall and rush downstairs to be filled in on all the commotion.

"T-Thank you." She says and hangs up the phone.

"Oh no.... oh no, no, no!" She slams her fist down on the table and breaks down into tears.

I charge downstairs for my mother, fearing the worst.

"Mom... What happened? What were they saying?" I ask impatiently, yet scared for the answer.

"They said t-that Jennifer's p-plane crashed and they have search t-teams there n-now looking for survivors." She replies between sobs.

"So far, t-they haven't found any."  She slumps down against the kitchen wall and cries into her hands. I sit down right next to her and rub her back.

               I'm trying to be strong for my mother, but the truth is, I'm hurt. The only one that could finally understand me besides Nash might be gone and never come back. It's not that easy to just ignore something like that. I close my eyes as I shed a tear onto my mom's shoulder ( No pun intended.. Shoulder to cry on ) and tried to enlarge the small piece of hope she still has left.  "It's gonna be okay momma, I'm here. You've always got me." I comfort her.

"You've always got me."