ALIVE | bonten x reader

𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟛𝟘 - 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚

You got up, sniffing your nose and trying to hold back tears, when you grabbed your phone to dial Liam's number.

...This participant is currently unavailable.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

You stared at your phone in disbelief. He really blocked you. The tears started to fall down like raindrops after a hot summer day and you couldn't stop them for the life of you. He was the one, that helped you back home. He was the only one you had. You couldn't stop your spiraling thoughts slowly drifting off to feel a panic attack coming, when your breathing got irregular and your heartbeat was also changing to a rapid thumping.

He blocked me. He really did. My only friend blocked me because he was hiding his real feelings for years.

Your tears started streaming down your face and you weren't even trying to hold them back. You sobbed away curling down on the kitchen floor, trying to get up again, when a muffled scream escaped your lips through your fingers, that were holding your mouth shut. You crumbled up your shirt on your chest, because you literally could feel your heart breaking, as more and more screams left your trembling body. You just sat there upright again, leaning your back against the cupboards of your kitchen, repeatedly throwing your head to your hands again to finally stop crying.

HOW AM I GOING TO GET OVER THIS? I can't do it. He was my only friend.

You must have been laying on the floor for about a few hours when the tears finally subsided and the only thing left of the pain you just experienced, was your runny nose and your swollen and red eyes, as well as your wet cheeks. You decided, that you needed to eat, even if you weren't really hungry. You just couldn't stop thinking about everything that you and Liam went through together. It was as if everything that had happened with him by your side was replaying like a movie in your head. And now it became clear to you, that you were just really dumb, to be honest. You should have known he was in love with you. All the things he did, were done, because he loved you. Everytime he bailed you out of the shit, you and others got into, he was the one, that helped you out. He dried your tears, everytime you bawled your eyes out at him. You remembered everything.

Every touch.

Every conversation.

Every time your eyes locked with his.

It was all full of love.

FUCK. It is all my fault.

You began to feel the tears forming again and tried to look upwards to make them go away. And then you remembered another thing. A thing that will make you at least go to sleep tonight, because that would surely be something that you couldn't handle tonight. You needed to be rested for tomorrow because Sanzu won't be guarding the area and you will be completely alone there.

Rummaging through every single one of your drawers, you only had one thing on your mind, which you haven't thought about in a while now. You throw stuff on the floor, while grabbing the handle of your closet and get ready to throw everything out again, just to find THAT ONE THING. You knew it was here somewhere, but you didn't know where. Noah wasn't allowed to find it, so you hid it good back then. REALLY good. So good, you didn't even remember and were searching for the place yourself. Secretly you're cussing out yourself for taking so much caution, but suddenly, all behind your winter jackets, there it was.

The light in the room was reflecting of the surface of the little box. You throw out the coats and reach inside the ledge, to take out the box.

FINALLY. I knew it had to be here somewhere.

You sit down on the edge of the bed and open the lid of the small pink box, you bought while shopping for the first time ever, after you moved to Japan. There it was. The open box was now sitting in your lap, while you just stared at it's content.

There was the glass jar, that you were looking for. You sigh and take out that, a little too familiar round thing, the glass jar and a bag of other stuff. You closed the box again and put it back inside your closet, stuffing the winter jackets back inside and try your best to organize your bedroom again, cleaning all the clothes off the floor, that you threw down earlier.

You sit down on your couch and opened the jar, when the smell hit you like a ton of bricks, and put all of the stuff that you needed on the living room table, to finally enjoy a big fat joint after everything that you had to endure today. This will help. This is all you told yourself while rolling up a fat one and when it was finished, you took it between your fingers, wondering, how you could still know how to do this even if it must have been a few years since the last time.

Wow, I didn't think I still knew how to do this, but I guess I'm just a natural born lawbreaker.

Since Noah wouldn't be here for a week at least, you decide to smoke inside, because you couldn't bear the cold outside now, you just want to cuddle up in your blanket and sleep away your sorrow. As you take the first drag and your lungs expand to take in the sweet smoke, you felt your muscles instantly relax and your eyes were already closing, just to feel the bliss of the moment. You turn on the mood lights and switch them to a deep purple, put on some music and lay back on the couch, still wrapped in your blanket like a caterpillar.

At this moment, for the first time in ages, you felt peaceful. You knew it was an illusion, induced by smoking, and you knew it would be over sooner than later. Also you still had to manage to get through the next day, where there was a possibility you could eventually die.

You knew it was just a few hours until then, when you had to get up again and see Kakucho again. Dreading the next day, and still thinking about Liam and his words, you slowly drifted off to a not very peaceful sleep, while a teardrop was making its way down to your neck and landing on the pillow your head was resting on.