Unforeseen

11

A/n: Hiiii,  this is a little under two thousand words, but I just couldn't wait to write again lol expect a new part this week for sure! Love you alllll, I x.

TW: Self-harm

You haven't dwelled on your feelings completely yet, which feels weird, but it's mainly because first of all, you have not talked to Dash yet, and second, your bestie pretty much kept your mind occupied for those three days so you had no time to think about anything else. Should I call him?, you thought to yourself, mmm no I think I should wait for him to call even though the anxiety is killing me. You made a bet in your head about who would call first, Cate or Dash; the joke lasted for half a second before you realized how fucked up it was that he hasn't bothered to call or apologize. You got worried for a second that something might have happened to him, but by what Cate told you three days ago, he is still alive and well, he just hasn't had the balls to face and take responsibility for what he did. You made up your mind, okay, I'm going to break up with him, regardless of what happens after, I need to do it for myself.

✿ 

Sitting down on your desk in your dorm room, you started working on revising your calendar, to make sure you had all the important assignments and projects written down, as the semester is almost over. Classes had been challenging, since you never actually grew up studying acting or being in plays, except for a few school ones when you were about eight years old. However, these two years have been filled with a lot of knowledge, lessons, and enrichment, which you were tremendously grateful for. Graduation was only a year away, which made everything feel extremely real; the thought of graduating was on one side of the equation amazing and exciting, but on the other side anxiety-inducing. The thought of having to go out into the real world and showcase your talents had always been something incredibly hard for you; nevertheless, finding a job will most likely be challenging, as NYC is one of the cities with the most struggling starved young artists. However, you have made it so far, and there's no reason to not try and succeed in what you love and that brings passion into your life. And in any case, it doesn't work out in NY, you can always move if it means keeping on pursuing your dreams and finding a decent job. 

While you were finishing up revising your schedules and getting ready for bed, as it was quite late now, there was a knock at your door, which you thought was weird, but brushed it off because it could be the resident assistant, as she knew you were coming back in another week, she was probably wondering why you were back earlier. However, when you opened the door, it was Dash who stood in front of you.

Your stomach dropped, and it was as if you had flashbacks to the night when you left him standing there in Finn's house. Suddenly, you felt very vulnerable and unsafe, not for your safety of course, but it just wasn't the same; the walls he'd broken down were all back up now, and nothing was going to change that. "Hi", was all you said, as you stood there frozen, "Y/n, I'm so sorry"; he started coming closer to you as if he were to hug you, but you walked backward letting him know that you weren't interested in his affection or attempt to get close to you again. "Don't", you simply stated. He looked at you with furrowed brows and a confused look on his face, making you think to yourself how stupid and manipulative he's being at this moment.

After a few seconds of silence, you went behind him to close the door to your dorm room and asked him, "How'd they let you in? You don't have a card to enter the building". "Oh, they know who I am", he said, which made you roll your eyes, cross your arms, and finally ask him why he was there, which you partially knew the answer to: he was there to either apologize and leave, as he should, or to beg you to forgive him and tell you that it was a misunderstanding. Surprisingly, it was a mix of both. "YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!", the conversation that had started with a normal tone, had escalated to basically both of you raising your voice at each other. "How would you feel if I slept with just a random person, huh? How would you feel?!", he was silenced by your question, which made you push him harder. "ANSWER ME, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?", you said with tears in your eyes. "I WOULD FEEL HORRIBLE OKAY, I WOULD FEEL– I WOULD FEEL BETRAYED AND USED AND–". "WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FELT WHEN I OPENED THAT DOOR AND SAW THAT YOU WERE ON TOP OF THAT GIRL". After you both finished screaming at each other you decided to sit down and talk about your future and decide what you were going to do. "I think this is it for us Dash, as much as I don't want to admit it, I can't be with you anymore". While you were screaming at each other a few moments before, he admitted that he had slept with that same girl a week before you arrived. "SO YOU PUT YOUR FUCKING DICK INSIDE OF ME WHEN IT HAD BEEN INSIDE SOMEONE ELSE?! YOU'RE DISGUSTING, GOD– I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW". Yes, it was pretty fucked up, not to mention disrespectful in many ways.

If he had only slept with her after he slept with you, you wouldn't be as disgusted as you are right now. "You realize this doesn't just concern my relationship status anymore right?! You realize you have put my health at risk?! That, besides everything else is fucking unforgivable". After talking, he realized how stupid he was and apologized to you, which you accepted, but for sure would never truly forgive him. You knew you would hold a grudge against him forever, and you will never forget what he did, that's granted. A part of you wanted to thank him for everything he did for you, for all the love and emotional support he gave you, but you knew you couldn't do that to yourself. Telling him that, might have made him feel better about himself, and that wasn't something you wanted. It would be like giving a kid a present after stealing something or doing something bad.

After he left your room, everything came crashing down. Your fight and all the good and bad moments you had in the relationship filled your head, as well as anger, frustration, and deep sadness. You slid down your door and landed on the floor, with both of your hands in your face, tears streaming down it. You quickly realized how disgusting you felt, knowing he had touched someone before you. That also happened one of the first times things got hot and heavy with a guy, you felt dirty, used, and disgusted with yourself.

With a heavy heart and sobs coming out of you, you guided yourself to the shower, once again, grabbed a blade, and stayed sitting under the water, drawing lines on your thigh for what felt like forever. The crying continued, and the self-sabotage did too, but that was just how you felt and the only way to know how to numb the pain was by harming yourself.

One time, you were talking to your mom about how stressed you were about something, and she told you that she couldn't understand how you reacted to certain things. She said that everything you felt was way too euphoric to be normal, that you were out of control. You were, but you never, ever, not even once, put your problems on someone else's shoulders, so when that one time you decided to talk about something that was stressing you out, you decided that that would be the last and only time you would ever talk to her about any feelings you had. "You have no idea how it feels", was what you wanted to say, "you have no idea how many times you've triggered me into a panic attack, and a self-harm episode, you have no idea...".

It was true, everything you've ever felt, even as a child, had been super high or super low, and that was you. You couldn't do anything to change it. If something triggers you it sends you into a spiral, and if something great happens to you, it's as if you're feeling joy for the very first time. That's why you were almost all of your childhood a happy child, before you knew even the smallest amount of pain, life was euphoric like she said; you were happy to wake up in the morning; now, not so much.

After your mind slowed down, and you stopped staring at a blank wall, you decided to get up from the floor, turn the shower off, wrap a towel around your body, and go look into the mirror. You fucked up y/n, you fucked up, was all you were thinking. With no energy left in your body, you did your basic skin care, because as stupid as it sounds, it comforts you.

You locked your door and dropped the towel covering your body, went straight to bed, trying to push the negative thoughts away, and slept. You had no idea what time it was, but if you added up the time Dash got to your room, which was about 11 pm, the amount of time you fought, and the countless water you wasted while sitting down on the cold tile, it was around 4 am when you snuggled into your duvet and nevertheless, cried yourself to sleep.