A week went by and I heard no word from Beyonce.
It wasn't until wee hours of the morning of Saturday, I couldn't sleep and the only thing on my mind was her. I tried calling but my calls didn't go through, had she blocked me?
The kids were sleeping and out of nowhere I got up put on a gown, left the flat not before locking and making sure the alarm was on.
I was anxious while driving, would she even be at her place?I still had the keys I got from Blue, my hands were shaking as I put in the code to disalarm the house. The lights were off on the first floor, as I climb the stairs I could hear the sound of tv playing, was she awake?
I got to her bedroom door and after composing myself, I knocked. No reply, she must be sleeping. I got in and found her sleeping on the window couch. Not knowing what to do, should I wake her up? I didn't want to anger her, as if sensing my presence she got up and saw me. The look in her eyes was one of disinterest.
"how did you get in?" was her first sentence. "I.... I got the keys from Blue" she rubbed her swollen eyes dimly lit by the tv. "what are you doing here?" it sounded cold, to be honest I didn't know what I was here for. "Beyonce..." before I could get a sentence out she got up made her way to the bathroom. I followed slowly like a lost puppy. I stood at the door as I watched her rinse her face. Now with the lights on she did not look good.
"I am not doing this with you Beyonce..." I stared a her blankly "the same way you got in let yourself out. I am exhausted" my feet were stuck, I couldn't move. "did you not hear me?!" she yelled while walking towards me. I was scared of what would happen, instead she brushed past me. After composing myself I exited her bedroom to find her in the kitchen with a bottle of water.
I should probably go like she asked but I couldn't get myself to do so. Tears just left my eyes and I cried, while she stood there watching. I don't even know why I was crying but couldn't stop.
Instead of just leaving and giving up, I walked towards her, I was prepared for whatever harsh words or actions she'd do or say. I still loved her.
I thought she would push me away but did the opposite, she held me so tenderly as I cried while she asked me stop crying.
"shh Onika... quit crying" she carried me to her bed and laid me down, I expected her to leave the room but she got besides and held me. "I am so sorry for everything I put you through" I said between sobs, "shh...lets talk later" was all she said. After a while of complete silence I slept.
I heard a voice besides me and it was none other than Beyonce, I thought I was dreaming. "mom is here with me, don't worry. Take care of your siblings" and ended the call, that must had been Blue. I had yet to open my eye but I could feel her staring at me.
I heard the bed shift, once I was sure she left the room I got up and checked my phone. Missed calls and messages from Blue and Rumi, I hope I didn't worry them too much.
Beyonce got back from the bathroom, "morning..." I just got up and hugged her, but she didn't return the hug. She cleared her throat "you should get going, the girls were asking for you..." it pained me no less.
"you said we could talk" I removed my body from hers. "Onika honestly, you might hate me for it but I'll just say it. I want nothing to do with you. I mean I lost my daughter to you, haven't you done enough, I did the most selfless thing but you managed to turn it against me, questioned everything I ever did for you and came to your conclusion with no regards for my feelings and why I did what I did, but sure, I'm the bad guy, let's keep it that way. Live your life and leave me alone" I could feel my heart shutter to pieces.
Why do I always cry, "okay, I'll leave..." I wiped my tear stained face. All she did was nod. "the kids have been asking for you..." I just couldn't get myself to go. "I've been here all along" she left the room.
I found her in the kitchen drinking coffee "may I have a cup?" it was just after 11 and somehow I was still here. She motioned towards the coffee machine, I poured myself one and sat beside her in complete silence.
"do think maybe you can come with me to see the kids?" I asked anxiously "I am starting to get used to the idea that I'm all alone, my relationship with the them is broken, even the child I gave birth too wants nothing to do with me, Let's keep it that and allow me to move on with my life" she really wanted nothing to do with me and the kids, that much was pretty clear. "I'll go, but if you change your mind you know where to find us..." I gathered whatever little courage I had and left.
I never heard from her for 2 months. In those months I was going insane, Papa's birthday was approaching. Rumi was just her quite self but more reserved. Blue just focused on varsity, she stayed in her own apartment. It was a hard decision to make but necessary. At times I would see the guilt in her eyes when she came over for weekends, I had ruined everyone's relationship with Beyonce.
It was the day of the party and we just moved into new house a month before. Everything was set and ready.
The guests arrived, everyone was in good spirits. For the first time in weeks I saw all my kids laughing and just having fun. I could only take pictures and videos as a form of memory, wishing Beyonce was here to share these sweet moments with us. I am such a fool, I managed to chase away that one person who loved me dearly.
The party was over and everyone had gone home. I got a call while in the kitchen cleaning up with the help of Rumi and Blue. "just a sec, I need to take this"
The number was unknown but I still answered "hi, its Beyonce. I got a present for Papa" she said in one sentence "oh hey, Papa is sleeping right now" I said awkwardly. "Just text me your address so I can have it delivered" after a pause I answered "he'd be the happiest if he received it from your hand".
"just send the address" she quickly dropped after that. I shared my location with her after saving her numbers.
The following day we heard a bell from the outside. All four of us were watching a movie. Don't ask, it was Papa's idea. "I'll be back" I told the them. It was Beyonce on the other side of the door, she actually came, she looked healthier than the last time I saw her. She made her in with presents. Papa will be happy to see her, or so I hope.
"Hi..." I greeted her awkwardly, she nodded and followed me behind into the TV room. Once inside the kids had surprised looks on their faces. Papa ran up to her in one motion, while we stood and watch, "hey Papa bear, happy birthday" Papa didn't care about the presents, he clung tightly to her.
After what felt like hours, Beyonce released him from her warm embrace. "hi girls" the girls greeted back. "we were watching a movie, you want to join?" I asked hopefully "I can't stay" she looked at Papa with sorry eyes. "you are leaving? But you just got here" he feigned annoyance.
"I'll come visit again" she told him, I don't know if there was any truth to that. "Rumi, Blue it was good to see you girls" Blue just stood up and went to her room. "Bye..." Rumi simply replied.
"let me walk you out" I said after she bid goodbye to Papa who was just seconds away from crying.
"I didn't think you'd come" I told her honestly, "believe it or not, I still love those kids" her voice was shallow. "kinda hard to believe that when you hardly around" I was getting annoyed. "and whose to blame for that?" she said harshly. "like you bare no responsibility" I turned to walk away but she held my wrist, looked at me straight in the eyes and let go of my hand just as quick and left.
I went to check on Blue and found her crying, "you miss her don't you?" I asked as I sat next to her. "I think... I think I should move back with ma", I won't lie and say I didn't see it coming. It didn't hurt any less, "sure, whatever you want honey".
After a while if silence I spoke up "was it something I did or say that made you make that decision?" she shook her head "no, she has no one by her side" she simply said.
I was in bed with my thoughts, where did it go wrong?
