“Beyonce! stop!” I yelled in between laughs, she wouldn’t stop tickling my sides in bed. Instead of stopping she held my wrists above my head and next thing I started panicking. She saw the tears in my eyes and let go quickly. “Shit, I’m sorry. did I hurt you?” she asked, panic written all over her face. I rushed to the bathroom, while she ran after me but I shut the door and locked it before
she could get in.
I spent the next 30 minutes sitting on the bathroom floor, Beyonce kept knocking the first 5 minutes and after I told her to give me space she left.
After fixing my appearance, I went to check on the kids and found them in the TV room watching a movie while eating pizza for dinner. “Where’s ma?” I asked them, “she left, she
didn’t say where too.” Blue replied. “Okay, are you guys good?” and they all nodded too focused on the movie.
I tried calling her but she left her phone home. I waited in bed and after an hour or two I went to the kitchen to fixed myself a cup of coffee. There was no liquor in the house. Around 10pm, wondering where Beyonce was on cue she came through the kitchen door. I got off the barstool and went to hug her, I was relieved that she was back but she blocked me. "I’m really tired, I'll see you tomorrow” she said avoiding my eyes and went to the bedroom, what did she mean 'see you tomorrow' aren't we sleeping in the same bed?. I stood there still hurt at the rejection but followed her soon after.
“Where were you?” I asked her, she ignored me and went straight to the bathroom. One thing about Beyonce, she doesn't like fighting be it words or physical, she'll ignore the problem and it hurt to think I was the problem ignored. I went to sleep with a heavy heart.
Sunday morning came, I heard the water running in the shower when I woke up. After 5 minutes Beyonce came out of the bathroom, “morning” I greeted her and she said ‘hi’. I went to use the bathroom and when I got out she was still in the bedroom much to my surprise.
“About last night” I said and she looked up from her phone. “It’s not your fault” I told her, she kept quiet and it started to bother me. “You want to know why I reacted the way I did?!” I asked-yelled. She got up and left the room.
Maybe I made a mistake, I shouldn’t had agreed to this relationship. I thought I could bury my past so deep but clearly I’ve failed. I want to tell her the truth but what if she decides this is too much for her and ends things between us. She deserves better, does it matter what I deserve?
Beyonce kept her distance the entire day and every time she avoided my touch, my heart broke a little. I felt unwanted and couldn’t take this anymore.
“If you want to end things I’ll understand” Beyonce said in bed with my back against hers. I turned
around and searched for her eyes, “No, I don’t want that.” I said desperately. “Onika, I know you are keeping something from me, I won’t force you tell me. I just- did you honestly think I’d make you do something you didn’t want too?” she asked. “No, I know you wouldn't, it's not you it's me. I haven’t been completely honest about my past, I want to tell you everything…I do, I’m not ready” she pulled me in for hug, “you have nothing to be afraid of, don't you know that already? ” she said while holding me.“We should go to sleep” I pulled away from her, laid down with my back against hers.
Without a word, I heard her shuffle out of bed and I could hear my heart break. Only I had myself to blame.
Beyonce became distant and only acted like a normal couple around the kids. Things continued like this for a month. However, tonight I had had enough, it was 11pm and she was not yet home.
I stayed up until 1am and I heard Beyonce come in the bedroom. She noticed I was awake “where were you?!” I asked loudly. “I was with Rihanna, no need to act up” she replied. I couldn’t believe my ears. She settled on the couch like every other night and got busy with her phone. 'No need to act' I was acting up? She had me confused with someone else. I stood up and grabbed her phone, tossed it against the wall, "that is acting up". I left the bedroom and settled with Papa in his room.
It wasn’t until the following week I was over this treatment, with the kids at school, I managed to pack my
clothes including my kid’s. I spent the rest of the day cleaning the apartment I had rented. I didn’t know how I would explain this to the kids, I would have to find a way. I felt the more I stayed and allowing myself to be treated that way, I would lose the amount of respect I have left.
I waited outside the school parking. Papa was in grade R while Maya in grade 7, good thing they went to the same school, after Papa's graduation from day care.
The kids didn’t take it well, as expected, Papa kept on asking if Beyonce will be staying with us
here while Rumi was set on ignoring me.
I didn’t tell Beyonce I was moving out, to be fair it’s not like she cared whether I was there or not. I’ve been through a lot in my past and if anything I knew when my presence was unwanted, so I did what I’m good at.
I ran...
