A few days later she got discharged and Blue fetched her, along with Rumi and Papa. They'd be spending the weekend with her.
I was left to my thoughts, I questioned everything from my past, kids, everything and came to the conclusion that I need to do better. Above all I need to heal my wounds.
It was parents meeting for Papa and she wanted us both present. I tried to convince him otherwise but he wouldn't budge.
So here I am getting ready, Beyonce is fetching us, why did I even agree.
"hi..." I greeted while getting in her car "hi Onika, Papa bear...where are my kisses?" in return she got smothered in kisses. I looked on without any emotion.
The drive was silent except for Papa singing to her playlist. I would occasionally steal glances at Beyonce, who didn't even look at me, not like I expected her too.
We arrived at the school and I kid you not, Papa went on a roll telling his classmates and teachers about having us as her parents. I was proud that she was not ashamed of having two mothers and that everyone didn't seem to care.
After the meeting I suggested we buy takeaways. Beyonce hardly said anything to me, at school nor here at the restaurant. After she settled the bill, she drove us home.
The girls were back and Papa asked Beyonce to join us for dinner. "I'm sorry baby, but I have to go" that hurt Papa's feelings "you always leave, this not fair" he ran to his room. "should I stay for dinner?" she asked me "does it matter what I say?"I left the kitchen, thank goodness it was just the two of us.
After a much needed bath, I joined the kids in the TV room. Surprisingly Beyonce was still here, Papa had already fallen asleep in her arms. I was about to take him when she said " let me"
After a few minutes, she came down "I should get going, girls goodnight" they said their goodbyes and left us. "Do you think that maybe you can let me take the kids for a holiday?" Beyonce asked, "where?" it never crossed my mind that the festive season was approaching. "I was thinking a trip overseas" is she serious "you're joking right?" she looked confused "no" like I'd let her take my kids out of the country. "is this because of what I did?" she was quick to ask, "I said no, I don't need to explain myself to you". She nodded and left my place.
I later got a text from her
Beyonce- I know you'll never forgive me for what I did to you but I'm sorry. It breaks my heart as well that I did the very same thing I promised not to do. I hope one day you find it in your heart to forgive me.
Forget I mentioned the trip, from now on I won't ask anything. I'll still be there for the kids if they need me but I'm taking a step back.
Me- what do you mean taking a step back? You are not going to my break my kid's hearts because you fucked up Beyonce, what do you mean 'promised not do'.
Beyonce- I know I fucked but what's the point, when I can't even do things for them without you making me feel like shit. It's like you don't trust me with them. As if I would harm them.
Me- how you feel, that's you. You shouldn't had put your on me in the first place!
Beyonce- right.
That was the end of our conversation.
After that Beyonce only came by to great the kids, she never took them to her place anymore or for an outing.
"Mom, I think I'm fine with Ma not being in my life" Rumi said one morning, I was shocked to say the least. "Baby, why do you say that?" she looked down "I know she did something to you" that alarmed me. "what are you talking about? We just broke up, that's all" she shook her heard "I've seen the way you act when she used to come around" I took her hand and led her to sit on the bed. "what do you mean?" I questioned her while cupping her face "you are scared of her, right?" I was stunned to speak and only shook my head.
"you don't have to keep living like that for our sake, I'm old enough to understand. Papa will be hurt but he'll understand when he's older. You don't have to put on a brave face for us. Ma doesn't have to come around anymore, we'll be fine just the three of us like before" I couldn't help but cry, it was not what I wanted but couldn't force her to have a relationship with Beyonce if she decided against it. "okay love" I didn't say more and she hugged me and left my room.
I called Beyonce crying
Me- Rumi knows
Beyonce- knows what?
Me- what you did to me
Beyonce- you told her?
Me- I'd never, she figured it out on her own. I guess my behaviour was telling, especially after what I went through.
Beyonce- ...
Me- you don't have to say anything, just know that Rumi doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. I don't know what to do about Papa.
Beyonce- Onika-
Me- no Beyonce, you don't get to talk not after what you did. Just please let Rumi be and I'll deal with Papa.
Beyonce- so this is it? What so what do I tell Blue?
Me- nothing, she's welcome in my house.
Beyonce- but do you welcome her in your heart? Please don't punish her for my deeds.
Me- I'm not punishing her, nothing has or will change between me and her. She's still my eldest daughter, I promised not to break her heart and I won't.
Beyonce- what about my promise to Papa and Rumi?
Me- I don't know Beyonce but I have to put my kids first.
Beyonce- okay, I hear you. I'll stop. Goodbye.
Me- yeah.
I cried that night and eventually fell asleep.
"I spoke with your Ma, she said if that's what you want then okay" we were preparing breakfast while Papa was still sleeping. "okay" she only said, deep down I knew that she made this decision because of my feelings, she loves Beyonce but didn't want to see me act the way I did when she was around. I couldn't help but think how selfish I was, for letting her do this because I wanted Beyonce out of my life and even my kid's lives.
The following week Beyonce came, this time she was let in by Papa who seemed excited to see her. Finally after prying him away we decided to go to my bedroom to talk.
"Hi, how are you?" she asked as if things were okay. "I'm fine..." the tension was palpable. "so how do we server our ties?" I never thought of it like that "you can dissappear, like the last time, didn't seem hard for you" I know it was a low blow. "right, there's no point in talking with you cause all you seem to do is attack me." call me bitter, I don't care "like you attacked?" she stood up "This is my final goodbye, may you have the peace you wish off" with that she left my room.
I found her downstairs hugging Papa, Rumi was nowhere in sight.
"I have to go away for a while, promise to see you again" she whispered but I heard it all. It didn't sound final.
"promise?" Papa asked her and she just nodded.
She left without glancing at me. A part of me was glad to close this chapter, while the other part felt bad for Papa, in fact everyone. We've been a family for so long went through a lot together but we always found our way back to each other but this time I am not so sure. It seemed and felt final.
