Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into a year.
How things went by? It was hard. Between Papa not understanding why Beyonce left so sudden, to Rumi who seemed like she regrets her decision. Blue however seemed indifferent, she would always visit us whenever given the chance. A part of me felt like she knew what really happened and another refuted that thought. I couldn't have her seeing her mom in that light.
Incoming call from Beyonce
I answered way faster than I should had.
Beyonce: Hi Onika
Me: Hello Beyonce
Beyonce: you answered
Me: you called
Beyonce: I did, I got a message from Papa last night.
Me: what do you mean?
Beyonce: he sent a text asking me why I never came back.
Me: he has a phone now, he got it for his 12th birthday, I just didn't think he'd contact you.
Beyonce: well he did
Me: why did you call, just tell him you can't see him. Make up an excuse.
Beyonce: okay
She dropped the call.
10 minutes later I got a message from her
Beyonce- I'm done doing things your way, if Papa contacts me I won't shut him out. If he asks to see me I'll gladly do it. I don't care what you have to say anymore, if you want to be bitter and selfish go ahead that won't stop me from being there for Papa like I promised. I'll take you to court if you even think of preventing me from seeing him. I'm willing to fight just to be in his life. I'll be damned if I let my mistakes cause me a relationship with my son. I'm not playing Onika, don't try me. This back and forth is tiring.
I was stunned to speak
True to her words, she slowly was repairing their relationship, I let them be. My heart hurt for Rumi, she hardly spoke or went out, although she was in her last year of high school, the amount of time she spent locked up concerned me. When Beyonce came to fetch Papa, I'd see the look of hurt flash on her face. I could only blame myself.
I got Beyonce's address from Papa's phone. One Friday night I decided to go see her.
Fortunate enough she was at home, I rang the bell and a minute later she opened the gate, she probably saw my car.
The house look all too familiar, I realised it was the house plan we drew together years back, wow she actually had the house built even the design and decor.
"Hi" she brought me out of my thoughts, "hey Beyonce" I had a lot to say but didn't know where to start. "what brings you here?" she asked, at least she wasn't mad at me for being here. "I just wanted to talk to you" she chuckled and poured a glass of water. "About what?" she handed me the glass, "the kids" she sat down opposite me in the kitchen table, "is this the part where you tell me to stay away?" I shook my head no "Rumi to be precise" she motioned for me to go on "she made a mistake and regrets her decision" she looked puzzled "what are you talking about?" I put the glass down after a sip. "her decision to cut you out of her life" I said hoping she would say something. "did you tell her what I did to you?" she questioned "no, she figured something along those lines happened, because..." "because what?" I swallowed a lump in my throat, "because it was her father and she saw some things" she stood up "what do you mean?" I guess I might as well tell her, "I was physically and sexually abused by her father, the scars around my body... It was her father. She witnessed things no child should ever see" she was quite but listening "I guess because of how I behaved after what happened in the bedroom, she feared for me" a tear escaped my eye. Beyonce was aware of the abuse I went through but not it's extent. She reached out to hold my shaking hands but I pulled them back. "I didn't come here for that, I just wanted you to give Rumi a chance, it hurts to see her like that whenever you fetch Papa, she thinks you hate her." she shoke her head "of course not, I'd never. I love that girl with my entire being, I hurt too." she bit her lip, she does that when she wants to stop herself from crying. "where is she right now?" I cleared my throat "at home... I told them I was going to see a friend and would be back soon, I should probably get going" I was about to get up when she stopped me, "what about Papa's father?" I looked at her unamused "what about him?" she sat me down "where is he?" why was she asking me this "why do you want to know?" I was getting worked up "Papa is growing up and I don't know if you are aware, he is a boy after all. He'll ask for his father one day" I didn't even want to think of that. "Rumi and Papa share the same father okay! Can you drop it." she pressed on "are you sure?" now I was pissed "yes I am sure, I was there when he forced himself on me, I was there when he pushed me down a flight of stairs while carrying his child and I was there when he got in trouble with drug dealers and I was there when I had to identify his body at the mortuary. So yes he is dead! You weren't there okay! I had to go through all that, you were never there, you wouldn't understand what I went through, don't question me if I'm sure who's the father of my kids!" I said all that in one breathe.
"I'm sorry" Beyonce got up and stood next to me and continued talking. "for making you say all that, when you didn't mean too". After catching my breath I stood up "I should get going" she nodded and followed me to my car. I couldn't even look her in the eyes, I don't know why I felt so ashamed. All those therapy sessions and I'm nowhere near accepting what I went through, my mind just can't accept it.
"I'll come by and talk with Rumi" she told me once I settled in the car and I nodded. I just wanted to get out there.
After some awkward silence I drove off.
It's safe to say Beyonce and I are bound forever, no matter how much I tried to pry her out of lives she keeps coming back.
Our relationship was founded on love and lies, we where never honest with each other from get go. We both had baggages and unconsciously hid them. The amount of times we tried to stop seeing each other only to share the same bed without thinking things through. Always using sex to justify our need for each. The lack of communication whenever we encountered problems, the need to run away first before hearing each other out, I mean till this day I never got to clear things about Safaree. That's just how bad we are at communication. We want to be in each other's lives but do everything to be apart. The kids were/is our glue, always holding each other together.
I'll forever be thankful to Beyonce for coming into my life, all the hurt doesn't compare to the love we shared. Everything that happened in between had to happen for us to reach this point.
