Only the Brave

Chapter 16: Confessions

The next two days are painful. James cannot describe them any other way. He wakes up aching, and goes to bed yearning, and the space in between is full of stolen glances and impatience and longing so fierce James feels lit up from the inside with it.

Every time his eyes catch Regulus' across the hall at mealtimes or in a random corridor between lessons, James has to physically retrain himself from walking up to him and saying something, doing something, James doesn't even know at this point. It's not just the kissing. It's Regulus. All of him. His scowls, and his silence, and the bite in his voice when he calls James stupid.

James wants to talk to him about muggle things, or about Quidditch, or about music. He wants to ask again for the name of his favourite song because it's in French so obviously he didn't retain it, but he wants to listen to it until he can repeat every word.

If James was obsessed with Regulus before the kiss, now that he knows what it feels like he's absolutely one hundred percent gone on the kid. It's eating him alive, how much he's pining.

James sends Regulus a note on Monday morning with his owl and watches Regulus read it. There's no outward change, but James notices that Regulus folds the note and pockets it like it's something he wants to keep. James chooses to take that as a good sign.

The note is simple:

Can't come to the roof until I've spoken to him. Haven't had a chance yet.

J

James hopes it's enough, because he really, really can't go to the roof until he has worked up the courage to talk to Sirius. He's considered going back on his word and seeking Regulus out even though he hasn't told Sirius yet, but that's a slippery slope. James knows that's the despair talking, because he's better than this. He can't do that to his best friend.

He won't, no matter how much he's yearning.

James knows he won't be able to stop himself from kissing Regulus again if they find each other alone, so it simply can't happen. He has to stay away because James will endure the aching longing of the wait, but he will not betray Sirius like that.

It's hard. There are very few moments when him and Sirius are truly alone, and James—much to his shame—chickens out. He's not even sure what it is he's afraid of, but he's terrified. Perhaps because Sirius has never forgiven and will never forgive Regulus for choosing to stay in that house. Perhaps because Sirius hates himself for not fighting harder. For leaving his brother even though it was Regulus' choice. Or maybe, and this is also a possibility, Sirius will get protective and want to smack James for touching his baby brother. Perhaps all the above. And James is confident in his relationship with Sirius, but Regulus is Regulus. Sirius has deep, complex feelings James doesn't fully understand about his brother.

Still. James will tell him. He has to, because the alternative is that he keeps it secret, and Sirius finds out later, and that can't happen because James wouldn't survive it if Sirius broke up with him. In a platonic way. Doesn't matter, what matters is that James won't risk damaging his bond with his brother, so he has to be brave and talk to him now. Before it's too late.

The opportunity to tell him comes by way of a Quidditch practice on Tuesday. James is cutting it close, what with the full moon the next day and everything. But he's... well. He's scared, because this is so important and there are so many ways in which it can go wrong. James doesn't want it to go wrong. He isn't sure he'll be able to cope if it does.

Sirius tackles him at the end of their practice Tuesday evening, and the entire team leaves them there fake-brawling on the grass as they do because they're boys and they're idiots and they love each other beyond comprehension. By the time they make it to the showers, everyone else is long gone. James knows it's now or never, but he also feels weird telling Sirius he's falling head over heels for his little brother in the Quidditch changing room.