Only the Brave

Chapter 39: Easter Break

The morning of his eighteenth birthday James is intercepted on his way to breakfast by Evan Rosier and Barty Crouch. They catch his eye as he's about to enter the Great Hall and gesture for him to meet them in a side corridor.

Normally, James would know better than to have a clandestine huddle with two Slytherins, but they are Regulus' friends and Regulus didn't come back to the Come and Go Room last night. In fact, James checked the map thoroughly and couldn't see him anywhere.

Naturally, the first thing he asks when he's face to face with the two boys is, "Where is Regulus?"

Crouch looks away, blue eyes trained on a spot on the wall behind James. A bit braver, Rosier meets James' gaze and grimaces. "His mother showed up yesterday and took him home. His father is very unwell."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Crouch says, apparently finding his spine. "He asked us to tell you he's sorry he missed your actual birthday."

A pang of fondness blooms in his chest. It means something that Regulus would be notified of his father dying and he thought of James' birthday instead.

"Does that mean he's not coming back until after break?" James asks, feeling suddenly very deflated. He knows it's irrational. Orion Black is his father, after all. And if he's is very poorly, it's only natural for Regulus to go be by his side. And yet, selfishly, absurdly, James wishes he hadn't had to leave early. He's going to miss Regulus.

Rosier and Crouch exchange a look that he can't read but that makes the hairs on the back of James' neck stand up.

"That's right," Rosier says. "He'll be back after the break."

"Right. Well. That's done, then," Crouch adds, looking distinctly uncomfortable even though James is pretty sure he hasn't done or said anything to make this awkward. "See you around, Potter."

It takes a minute for James to process the news. Hung up on the fact of Regulus leaving, he doesn't fully grasp the meaning of what he's been told for the span of another heartbeat. And then, it clicks and he swears under his breath.

The Great Hall is as noisy as always, swallowing James whole when he walks in. He turns a few heads as he crosses the room towards his friends, already shoving food into their mouths like they're never going to be fed again.

Once upon a time, he enjoyed it. He liked knowing that people would turn to stare at him as he walked through the castle with Sirius. He felt important. Like he mattered. How stupid young James was, he thinks to himself now.

Mattering isn't this. It's not measured in sly looks across a hall from people who know nothing about him except for what he looks like or how many goals he scored in the last game. It's not popularity or detentions accrued for the sake of a reputation.

Mattering is the way Regulus' eyes light up when James tells him he loves him. It's the little gasps and moans that escape him when James kisses him. It's silly conversations about muggle inventions and deep discussions about the music they like and why it resonates. It's sharing every day details like they're special. Building a routine in a room that's shielded from the world and finding happiness in simply being with another person.

That is what matters. That is what James wishes everybody could find. And that's why James will risk his life to fight in the war. To give all the people around him a chance to learn what's important. How love can shape you and change you in the best ways. He'll fight for that. Nothing else is worth it.

Just as he's sliding into his seat next to Sirius, the owls arrive. The Daily Prophet lands against Peter's pumpkin juice, splattering it everywhere. Olive yelps, scurrying away to avoid getting wet.