Only the Brave

Chapter 18: Horrible Things

The wind is biting cold when James makes it up on the roof. He told Regulus he would find an alternative place for them to meet now that winter is coming, but he's been distracted. They have Order training now on Sundays on top of everything else they're doing. Not to mention Quidditch, which remains James' true passion and number objective. He'll graduate as the only Captain to have won the Cup every single year of his captaincy. He'll accept nothing less.

Anyway, he's been busy and distracted, but he does need to think of somewhere to go with Regulus if he doesn't want them both to freeze to death. Not conducive to the sort of thing he wants to be doing with Regulus. So. James supposes the Astronomy Tower is an option, but it's a semi-popular spot for couples. They could be discovered accidentally. Not to mention his friends go there to have serious talks, which doesn't happen often but it's not outside the realm of possibility.

James will have to find a better solution. He knows every corner of this castle. It shouldn't be too hard if he applies himself to it, and for the chance of more time with Regulus, he will.

James sits on the cold tiles. Casts a warming spell. Today, he's arrived before Regulus. He waits and fidgets with the pack of cigarettes he brought for him. James wants Regulus to arrive quickly, because he's not in the best headspace. Being alone with his thoughts isn't a good idea today. Not when James is still feeling guilty over the Liverpool man.

He wants to be distracted, and Regulus is excellent at distracting him.

But would he be if he knew what James did? What would Regulus think if he found out James had a very active part in the events that led to that man being killed?

James isn't sure Regulus would like him anymore, and that's terrifying. But James wouldn't blame Regulus if that was the case. Because James is supposed to help people. Save them. Protect them. And he failed. There's a dead man and his blood is on James' hands. Or he feels like it, at least.

He hasn't had a chance to properly talk about it with his friends because the news arrived on the morning of the Full Moon. They touched on it very briefly, and Sirius, Remus and Peter said almost the same things Regulus said. They told him not to put this pressure on himself, that he saved a lot of lives and the choices of this man weren't James' responsibility. But it was rushed, because then Remus had to go to the Shack, and then well. The following day hasn't been the easiest.

Sirius hid himself in his bed, curtains drawn, as soon as they finished lessons. He hadn't emerged by the time James left to come meet Regulus. So. He hasn't had a chance to properly hash it out with his friends, and the words from yesterday have lost their weight.

The guilt remains. It just won't go away. James doesn't know how to get rid of it. And it scares him, because he's not an idiot. He knows that people die in wars. He's just joined the ranks, and he's willing to fight, isn't he? That means people will die.

That means James might have to kill.

James doesn't know if he can. After all, he hesitated when it was Sirius' life on the line. If that wasn't enough for him to give in to his darkness... James doesn't know if he'll be much good to the Order of Phoenix after all.

Dumbledore would have never recruited if he'd known how weak James is.

Very noble. Very brave.

You have skills that would be useful to the efforts.

Dumbledore would have never said that to him if he knew James is about to be sick over himself with guilt for the death of a man. Does it matter that man was ready to hand over thousands of muggles? No. Because a life is a life, isn't it? James can't... can he? He doesn't think he can.