Only the Brave

Chapter 27: Christmas Break Part II

Interlude: Remus POV

When Remus told himself his days of pining over Sirius Black were over, he was clearly drunk. Or stoned. Or otherwise under the influence. Because how the fuck did Remus ever think that he'd be able to just... not?

The guilt he felt upon learning what had happened during the last full moon at school before the holiday was a pretty good distraction. It clawed at his heart and reminded him just how dangerous he was, how undeserving of someone like Sirius. Someone like James, too, but Remus has long ago given up on trying to push James Potter away. The guy is relentless and friendship has always felt safer to Remus than... well. That.

Point is, he almost, almost, got Sirius killed and if that isn't proof enough that he's so much better off without Remus around, then he doesn't know what is. But Remus is not only a monster, he's also a weak, selfish man.

He couldn't stay away forever, no matter how much he told himself it was the right thing to do. Add to that James and Sirius' efforts to bring him back into the fold, and Remus couldn't stick to his bloody guns. Not with Sirius' silvery grey eyes blinking at him with such determination.

For a dark creature, he's pretty fucking helpless. Brought to his metaphorical knees—because unfortunately it'll never be his actual ones—by one look from Sirius Black.

With a deep sigh, Remus knocks the rest of his drink back, then glances towards Sirius and James who are at the bar getting more.

The party is in full swing. Dinner was served in an elegant dining room by efficient house elves dressed in neat, dark aprons. About an hour ago, all guests were ushered into a grand ballroom where people have been drinking and dancing since, waiting for the countdown that will signal the start of the new year.

Remus has been alternating between having an acceptable time—he prefers parties with less adults and more rock and roll—and despairing over Sirius, who has been all over Remus all night for no apparent reason.

Fucking painful.

It was easier when Sirius was bloody straight. At least then, Remus knew why it would never happen. He had a lifeline. Sirius didn't like men. Remus is a man. Case closed. Hopeless, and rather bleak, but that's just life.

But now? There isn't a day when Remus doesn't think about Sirius proudly declaring he'd like to... that. Remus can't even think it without getting hard, and he's wearing relatively tight trousers tonight so he better not. But still. Fuck his life. Remus has to be the unluckiest son of a bitch in the entire planet.

Remus feels like he's drowning these days.

Drowning in guilt. Drowning in want. Drowning in longing. Drowning, because he wishes he was someone else. Anyone else. A man who could at least try to pull himself together for Sirius.

He's not. He'll never be.

"Moony," Sirius says, all bright eyes and cheeky smiles. He gives Remus a drink. "Tell James tattoos are cool."

Remus blinks. "You mean like muggle ones?"

"Yes!" Sirius nods enthusiastically. "I've decided I'm getting one. James thinks it's stupid."

"Well," James argues. "What if you regret it? It's on your skin forever. There's nothing wrong with your skin as is. Tell him, Remus!"

Remus very much does not want to think or talk about Sirius' skin. In any capacity. He takes a long sip of his drink to buy himself time, but both James and Sirius are waiting for his verdict, expectant. It's been like this for a little while, and Remus still hasn't figured out what the fresh hell is going on.