Only the Brave

Chapter 56: In the name of love

There's a stone digging into his back, a little to the left of his spine.

It's sharp, and James is certain it's going to bruise. It's really quite painful. James doesn't move. Doesn't do anything about it.

Instead, he focuses on the point where the stone is poking him. The sharp ache of it biting into his muscles, grating against his skin through the flimsy fabric of the hospital-issued gown he's wearing.

Above him, the ceiling of the cell is darkened with patches of mould. There are no windows here, so James doesn't know what time it is. He can't tell how long he's been here, lying on the ground in a cell in the bowels of some Manor. Is he still in Lestrange Castle? Has he been moved somewhere else?

Does it even matter?

The Order of the Phoenix doesn't do rescue missions. James knows this all too well. No one is coming for him. At least not in a sanctioned effort. James has the nagging feeling that Sirius won't let it go. He'll try something. It'll be reckless and insane and the sort of thing that James would do if their roles were reversed. It's probably going to get Sirius killed, so James hopes that someone with more sense stops him from trying.

Selfishly, James doesn't want to see Sirius right now. Because Sirius doesn't know his little brother is dead and James can't tell him. He can't form the words. Can't breathe them into existence. The moment he says them out loud, it'll be over. It'll be true. Irrevocably. Irreparably.

And James isn't ready to accept it. 

Regulus is dead.

James feels his throat constrict, the taste of grief thick in his mouth. He's cried. He's raged. He's torn his vocal cords to shreds screaming up a storm. None of it has been enough to release the pressure of the things inside James' chest.

In the time he's been lying on the ground, James has thought of many things. He's wondered if necromancy is a thing that he could attempt. He's wished for a time-turner so he can go back and undo it, stop Regulus from trading their lives. He's replayed every moment, over and over again, and cried his eyes out that the last thing Regulus ever said to him was 'horrible things' and the entire universe contained in those two words.

What does any of it mean?

There's a lot James doesn't understand. And it's making him extremely angry because it's fucking unfair. James has questions, and Regulus is dead and can't give him answers. And how will James ever find peace now?

Regulus went to great lengths to make sure James knew their love wasn't as important to him as it had been to James. He pushed James away. Joined the Death Eaters. Killed people, hurt people, did every single awful thing he could. And yet, when push came to shove, Regulus made the ultimate sacrifice for James.

If Regulus didn't die in the name of love, what did he die for?

But if he did... If Regulus died in the name of love, love for James, why did they go through all this heartbreak?

It doesn't make sense, and that is perhaps the one thing keeping James from completely falling apart. He's grieving, and drowning under the weight of the loss, but he's also puzzling over every piece of it. Trying to understand what he missed. Where he went wrong. If there were things he should have seen and he didn't. Why Regulus made the choices he did.

And fuck.

Fuck Regulus. Fuck death and dying and sacrifices. Fuck everything and everybody because James will never get to ask. He'll never know why. He'll never know if Regulus meant the things he said or not. He's been robbed of the chance to figure it out. Could they have found their way back to each other? Was that even on the cards?