Only the Brave

Chapter 48: Secrets

St. Mungo's hospital is, quite possibly, the only neutral ground in all of Britain. The reason for this is simple: Voldemort has ambitions to become some sort of ruler and he needs popular support. Not even the purebloods would stand for the decimation of their main hospital.

It's why, despite the climate of unrest, the fear, the paranoia that generally plagues all Order members, James feels safe to apparate here directly, stumbling into the arms of a surprised nurse in training who yelps as James shoves Marlene at him.

"Help her," he says, stepping back. He sounds a little deranged, but he suspects the nurses are used to it. They do, after all, deal with magical medical emergencies. Not a job for the faint of heart.

"You're bleeding!" the nurse exclaims, but he's lifting Marlene up in his arms. "I'll find someone to help you."

He's correct that James is bleeding, and he's doing so quite profusely. However, James is also fucking confused and that seems, for whatever reason, much more pressing at the moment.

Regulus saved his life. Regulus kissed (!) him. Regulus stabbed (!) him. Regulus let him go.

It doesn't make sense.

Doesn't it really? Or are you just desperate enough that you're grasping at straws? 

It's the voice in the back of his head. The one that latched onto the last piece of James' broken heart and has been whispering to him to get in bed with every person who wants him. Because being wanted for a few hours is better than nothing, and nothing is all they going to get for the rest of their days. It's all they're good for.

Doesn't it make sense? It whispers now. If you take what he told you at face value. That he wanted power and glory, but that he also wanted you alive. He cared, to some extent, and as a courtesy he's letting you live. No more. No less. 

Staggering on his feet and dizzy from blood loss, James tries his best to straighten his thoughts. Did Regulus really hold back in Blackburn? Or was James just... hoping for it? Did Regulus save him today or was he just honouring whatever promise he made Dorcas? What does it mean if he did? What does it mean if he didn't?

"I don't understand," James whispers to himself, desperate. He's pressed the tips of his fingers against his mouth, like he can hold the feeling of that kiss against them if he tries hard enough.

Even the way he kissed was different. And that... fuck. Regulus used to speak to James with his body. The things he couldn't say with words, he'd tell him in lips and tongue and teeth. And that kiss was... it was unreadable. It was Regulus, but not. Desire and lust and mild desperation laced with spite and anger and bitterness.

It was as confusing as the rest of it, but no less mind-blowing for it. And James should hate himself. He does, at least a little bit. How can he not? Regulus killed someone right there in front of him and James still couldn't resist the urge to bait him into a kiss.

He tasted like smoke and lavender. Like blood and heartbreak. James would have kissed him to the end of his days right there, next to the aftermath of war and violence. He would probably still be there, kissing Regulus with every fibre of his being, if he hadn't stabbed him.

Honestly. It's not that James finds it... hot. He doesn't. He can't. Because it was violent and James is slowly bleeding out so definitely less than ideal. But it was... so strangely intimate? James didn't even feel the blade go in at first. How is that even possible? What the fuck is wrong with James that he was stabbed and all he can think about is the man who did it and how lovely he looked?

James' mind is going to explode. Regulus is the most infuriatingly confusing person he's ever met.

Why?