Only the Brave

Chapter 10: Sectusempra

Regulus hates James Potter. It's a fact. An undeniable truth. He hates James for many reasons, some more legit than others and sometimes more strongly than others. But in this moment, Regulus haes James Potter because he's somehow gone and made Regulus believe that perhaps he'd show up. Why? Don't ask Regulus, he doesn't know. How? Same thing. It's not like James can know Regulus has snuck out of his dorm and is sitting on the roof of the owlry.

Regulus inhales. Feels the smoke in his lungs. This can't be healthy, he thinks. Is it healthy? He's never asked a muggle whether it is. And that boy in the pub never mentioned it. Bah. It's not important, anyway. He's most likely than not to die in the next couple of years so, does it matter? He doesn't think so.

Regulus exhales. He's fucking pathetic, that's what he is. An embarrassment to vengeful people everywhere. Honestly, after this bout of idiocy Regulus isn't even sure he can call himself intelligent anymore. It's just... He hadn't realised he was waiting for James to show up until he finished his third cigarette and found himself reluctant to leave. But he was. To his utter horror, he still is.

And James hasn't shown up.

Regulus leans back on the tiles, a fourth cigarette dangling from his fingers. What is happening to him? Nothing has changed. He's had a crush on James forever and it has never before interfered with his life in any way. Granted, until two weeks ago Regulus didn't know what James looked like without his shirt on. That does have some impact, he can admit. He also didn't know what his skin felt like. So, maybe?

He doesn't like this. This feeling that he's careening towards something he can't see or plan for. Something he can't stop, because this is a thing that's happening to him. It's not a thing he's choosing. It's James' fault, obviously. He has to stop showing up and trying to talk to Regulus. What the fuck do they have to talk about? Absolutely nothing. Nothing because James and Regulus have only one person in common but their relationship to said person is so fucking opposite it doesn't count.

His eyes canvass the sky, and he finds it. He could find it in any sky. Sirius is bright tonight. It always is, because of course he had to be the fucking brightest. But tonight, it's like he's mocking Regulus. James hasn't shown up, and he's probably with Sirius in his dorm doing something stupid.

James is so stupid.

Regulus' crush on James is so stupid.

Regulus hates his life.

He groans, runs a hand over his face. Logically, Regulus knows it was impossible for James to come. There is no reason why Regulus was even hoping for it. Or that James could know. How the fuck would James know when Regulus has threatened, and hurt him, and insulted him at every turn? Regulus himself didn't even know he wanted James to show up until he didn't. And, let's face it, James is good at school but smart? Regulus has his doubts.

And yet. Regulus is struggling. He's struggling because James is haunting him. He's seen his body—made for sin, by the way. Sins Regulus would happily commit. Repeatedly. He's seen his eyes up close. Hazel, which would be Regulus favourite if he cared enough to have a favourite of such thing. Regulus knows what James smells like. And what the rough skin of his jaw, the stubble there, feels like.

"Fuck my life," Regulus grunts.

He wants to be rid of this feeling because it complicates everything. Regulus needs to stop lusting after James Potter. But how? How does one stop?

Focusing on revenge isn't working. Regulus can multi-task. He's been making progress the past few weeks. Practicing curses in the abandoned classroom, brewing Felix Felicis, researching in the library. He got a pass for the Restricted section a week ago and has already found three tomes to go through with a fine tooth comb.