Till Death Do Us Part: A Daryl Dixon Story (The Walking Dead)

24

I stayed cooped up in the room I shared with Andrea and Michonne for the next day. I ignored Michonne's stares and Andrea's prying questions. Though I appeared relaxed as I lounged across the bed, my mind was in anguish about my actions. Daryl was long gone, yet I couldn't get him out of my head. He didn't even want me anymore, yet it was him on my mind instead of Martinez. Poor Martinez, he seemed so genuine and sweet, but I wouldn't betray my vows or my emotions. Out in the wild, I didn't have to face any of these problems. Nothing mattered except survival out there. I had almost forgotten what feelings were until Martinez reminded me. I had to get out of Woodbury. And fast.
Michonne and Andrea were constantly snapping at each other. Michonne wanted to leave -Andrea didn't. She kept putting it off, and now we were staying for some ridiculous party that the Governor was throwing the next day. But honestly, who still hosted parties during the apocalypse? This Governor was running a fantasy town where everyone thought they were safe and untouchable. I bitterly thought that this town would be responsible for its own downfall. The morning of the party might as well have been the morning of any normal day before everything went south. Dogs were blissfully barking, children were playing tag in the streets and the people of Woodbury were having a good time. I nursed my own beer but only because I missed the bitter taste of self-pity. I spied Martinez across the street and ducked out of sight. I really wasn't up for explaining why I stormed out of his apartment two days ago. I felt bad that he had opened up to me about his wife only for me to basically slap him through the face. He was a sweet guy, but I was a messed up and clingy wife. I didn't expect him to understand.
I downed the last of the beer and tossed it in a nearby bin. I realized that I had ducked into the building which doubled as the library. How fitting; the library had always been my safe zone before all this and Daryl used to find me hiding there after one of our many arguments. I trailed through the isles, scanning the covers and reading the story information. I was the only person inside. Every other blissfully unaware citizen of Woodbury was outside absorbing the sunshine.
'Who you hiddin' from, doll?' Merle's voice boomed in the small room. 'Martinez couldn't take the longing away?'
I turned to face him, ready to lash out, but his typical sarcastic drawl wasn't matched by the expression on his face. He looked almost resigned. It was as if something was bothering him, and it made me curious. I had to play this right if I wanted answers.
'What do you want, Merle?' I snapped.
'Oh c'mon, a little heart-to-heart with my lil' sister is too much to ask for?' He chuckled, but there was no humour to his tone.
'Don't call me that.' I realized trying to talk to this man would be futile. I turned to leave.
'Do you miss him?' His question stopped me. I knew who he was talking about, but it wasn't Daryl that made me turn to stay. It was Merle's whole atmosphere. Why did it seem like he was carrying a huge burden on his shoulders? He was definitely hiding something.
'Everyday,' I whispered, my heart thudding in my chest as I realized how true that was. I had missed Daryl every second of every day since that herd separated us. I don't know what kind of witchcraft had been placed over me when I was with Martinez to make me almost kiss him, but that would remain both a mystery and a mistake.
'You're different.' I told Merle, watching his reaction carefully. He gave a light scoff and cocked his head.
'How so, Miss Erin?' He mused as he leaned against the wall.
'I don't know. You're not as bloodthirsty and crazy.' I shrugged.
Merle gave a dark chuckle. 'If only you knew.'
I raised an eyebrow at him. What kind of game was this man playing?
'I've done a lot of evil shit in my life. Before and after things went south.' A shadow fell across his face as he pressed himself off the wall. 'But what I did to you still haunts me.'
My brow pulled together and my heart began to beat erratically. 'I knew you hated me, I just didn't think you hated me enough to try and out me.'
Panic flashed across Merle's face as he stepped closer to me. 'No, no, Erin, ya don't understand.'
I backed away from him. 'Then make me understand Merle. Why did I wake up in that empty, godforsaken hospital? Why didn't my husband come for me?'
'Because he thought you were dead.' Merle said flatly, his eyes blank.
'And why is that?' I edged him on. I wanted him to admit to ruthlessly beating me into an unconscious state. I wanted him to admit that he was a monster, that he was the reason Daryl didn't love me anymore. I wanted him to realise that he was the cause for everything that had gone wrong in my life with Daryl. Then I would blindside him with the news that he had killed his own brother's unborn child. And God I hoped he suffered through that. He didn't deserve any kind of redemption. A man like Merle had a unique spot on the guest list of Hell.
Merle tore his eyes from mine. He breathed out a deep and trouble filled sigh. He ran his hand that wasn't a deadly knife contraption over his dirty blonde hair. He paced up and down the isle. I frowned at that. This story was so much deeper than I thought it was.
'Merle, please,' I started, my voice low but filled with anger. 'I need to know. What did you tell Daryl?'
Merle turned to face me, his face a distorted image of deceit and regret. He couldn't look me in the eye as he started speaking. The lies he told spilled from his mouth, and the more he spoke, the more mortified I became. My heart fluttered with misery as he confessed.
'I was higher on meth than I'd ever been in my life on that day. It's no excuse, but it's why I did what I did. Why I came onto you, why I hit you. It's no excuse...I passed out almost immediately after you did. When I came to, sober and confused, I hated myself for what I did to ya. And I realised that all that blood comin' from ya wasn't from what I did. It fully dawned on me what I had done to you. I panicked, grabbed Daryl's keys and drove you to the hospital. I didn't even notice the geeks roaming the streets as I sped down the roads. The nurses checked you in, and confirmed what I already knew. They told me your chances of survival were slim. I left that hospital thinking you were a dead woman. I drove back, ready to confess what I had done to Daryl. I was ready to lose my brother. Because of me, Daryl had lost his wife and child in one day. He was always better off without me and that just proved it.'
'I came back to your place to find Daryl frantic and panicked, mutterin' some shit about how that crap on TV about the cannibals was true. He yelled at me to pack my shit, but then stopped, asking where you were and why there was one hell of a bloodstain on the carpet. I panicked, Erin, I panicked. I knew if I told him the truth that he would storm out that apartment and head straight for ya. I knew it. Daryl will always choose you over me, always. And I don't blame him. So I did what I usually do -I lied. I lied and told him thugs had broken into your place, beaten you and left you for dead. I told him you died as soon as I'd checked you in that hospital, because to me you were already dead. I killed you that day, Erin. I killed you. Look at you -you're not that same woman who used to put up with all my crap. You're different; colder, hardened. I did that to you. I killed what you and Daryl had, and I...I killed your baby. Daryl didn't wanna believe it at first; he insisted we go to the hospital. He broke down in my arms as I lied to him. He trusted me with all his heart. Blamed himself. And I knew that if I didn't get him to snap out of it he would end up getting himself killed.'
'So I lied again. I had to make him hate you -you understand that right? I had to make him hate you or else he'd die trying to go after you. I told him you had been seeing that boss of yours, Michael or Andrew or whatever the hell that prick's name was, behind Daryl's back for months already. Told him you couldn't wait to find some reason to leave him and take off with that guy. And he believed me. He actually believed me. My baby brother loved and trusted me that much. So Daryl agreed to let you go. He still wanted to check, just to be sure, but his pride -his heart- was broken. He couldn't stand the idea that when he had finally opened up to someone that it would get thrown in his face. Say what you want about Daryl, but he's still a Dixon. And you know how we Dixon's are when it comes to women. He thought you didn't love him. He thought it was all some sick game you and your mother had going on. I got it right to make him think that you were playing him that whole time. And then we left.'
Somehow Merle appeared to be in more pain than me. And I was right. Merle had been carrying the biggest burden of all with him this whole time. I sank to the ground and hugged my knees to my chest. My throat tightened and my breathing was erratic as I relived that fateful day. Merle never once faltered from his speech. It was like he rehearsed this. He never skipped a beat, even when I could see the pain evident on his dark face. He spoke in slow, concise words. The laughter of the children outside added to the evilness of Merle's confession. Merle never left a single detail out. He sank to the ground opposite me when he had finished. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't breathe. I was suffocating in my sorrow. Silent tears streamed down my cheeks when I finally lifted my eyes to meet his. He stared at me blankly.
'You knew?' my voice was barely a whisper. 'You knew I miscarried, but you still lied to Daryl?'
'I'm not the devil, Erin. But that day I came pretty damn close.' Merle muttered, his eyes dark and unseeing.
'You knew,' I raised my voice, the anger and pain of that day woven into each syllable. 'And you still stopped Daryl from coming after me.'
His face further darkened with shame and guilt.
'You're a murderer. You killed my baby and you lied to Daryl about it.' I pointed a finger at him. For once, in all the years I'd known Merle Dixon, he was quiet. He said nothing to defend himself. He just sat there, looking equally pained. But he could never feel the anguish I was feeling. Never.
'You're the reason for everything wrong in my life.' I choked back a sob. He stared into my watery blue eyes. He remained silent. He hung his head and I watched him fumble in his pockets for something. He pulled out two small objects and my eyes didn't catch them before his fist closed around them.
'I'll never ask ya for your forgiveness. Being separated from the one person I love, the one person who somehow loves me back is torture enough.' Merle rose to his feet.
'Catch,' he said and I opened my hands to catch the two tiny objects he retrieved from his pockets. 'When y'all leave, y'all better run as fast as you can. The Governor will send someone after you. That someone will probably be me.'
I watched Merle leave the room without another word. He was warning me, but I wasn't concerned about that yet. Fresh tears pooled in my eyes as I glanced at the last piece of Daryl I had left -my engagement and wedding rings. I was wondering what happened to those. The engagement ring had one simple diamond on it, and the wedding ring was just as simple. 'The first day of forever' was inscribed on the inside of my wedding ring. I choked up as I slid both rings back where they belonged.
Merle's confession had just confirmed one thing for me: Daryl had loved me. He had loved me with his entire being. And he would have chosen me over his brother without hesitation. This was all Merle's fault. And now I understood why Daryl couldn't even look at me when I came back into his life. All he had seen was my infidelity and betrayal. I was a monster in his eyes. To Daryl, I had played him. I had torn out his heart and torn him apart in the process. And I had almost turned into that monster when I was this close to kissing Martinez.
'I'm so sorry, Daryl.' I said through the tears. Our forever was stolen from us by one man's lies. Someone who you think loves you, someone who stole more than just love from us. I don't know how long I sat in that position and broke down. I had entered a very dark place. One that didn't seem like I would be returning from.
Only one thing was now certain -I had to leave Woodbury and Merle as soon as possible.
//
So the truth is finally out *sighs* it feels like this whole book has been building up to this point, and I hope I didn't disappoint. Thoughts on Merle's confession? Do you think he was being sincere or? I'm dying to hear back from you guys xx