Till Death Do Us Part: A Daryl Dixon Story (The Walking Dead)

33

Daryl, moments after the truth

Change is unpredictable. For a whole year I thought I'd been going through the biggest change of my life –the downfall of mankind, the loss of humanity and society. I was wrong. Humanity had long since been lost. Little did I know the greatest evil had undergone right under my nose. How do you deal with yourself when you find out the past year of your life has been lie? My brother isn't my brother and my wife isn't my wife.

I was going to be a father.

Children. Erin and I rarely spoke about starting a family. We were too in love, too transfixed with each other. It had happened accidentally and it ended accidentally. Or did it? Merle couldn't have known she was carrying my child, right? She didn't even know it. He couldn't have. But Erin knew when she returned with Rick at the camp. She knew and she chose not to share what is probably the biggest change in my entire life -I was going to be a father- and now she's in my arms crying endless tears. I noticeably stiffen in front of her. She pulls back suddenly, the ice in her eyes extra sharp and extra vulnerable.

'Daryl-I-you,' she breaths in shakily and runs a hand through her grimy hair. 'I need to tell you everything.'

'Will you?' I ask, my tone borderline harsh. 'Or will you cover it up for another year? Will you make up some other lie for me to live?'

'Please don't do this,' she says. She's so scared. I'm so scared. I turn my back on her and just walk. I keep my pace because I know if I start running I won't ever stop. I know I can't run from my thoughts –would it have been a boy or a girl?- but I can run from Erin.

Can I, baby? Can I?

I make sure not to head in the direction of Merle, who is still on the ground, bleeding from his fresh wounds. I hope he bleeds all day into the night. I hope the moonlight radiates his thick blood painting the concrete. I can't, I won't even dwell on his part in this messed up lie. My legs are moving, the nerves connecting effecter to receptor is working just fine. The muscles in my body are contracting and relaxing, the blood pumps smoothly through my veins, but I know I'm not fine. I vaguely realise that she is following me. Why won't she leave me alone? Can't she see –the baby would have obviously had our eyes- that I don't want to talk? The wetness on my shirt is her tears and the sharp pain in my chest is because of her. I stop when I notice unfamiliar grounds. How long had I been walking? How long had she been following?

Her breathing is shaky as I narrow the space between us. Her skin is pale (is she alright?) and her lips are unhinged. I cup her cheeks like it's the finest china in the world. She looks up at me through thick lashes and that feeling swells inside. Things between us will never be the same. But my vow to love her will never change. I can't stop loving a princess like Erin. I lean closer, my hands having a mind of their own and instinctively trailing down to her waist. Her breathing hitches (it's all passion, raw passion) and the icy blue of her eyes makes my chest tighten even further. But the passion, the fire, between us will never die out. Is she still mine to have?

'Daryl,' she says softly.

'Shh,' I say, but I'm begging, pleading that she'll allow this moment of quiet and tranquillity between us. I don't want to leave this space. I don't want to face our problems. I can only be brave for so long. She is my ultimate weakness and I'm a coward for her every time.

'Daryl,' she says my name again this time sounding like a whisper. My mind hits a blank as I watch the contours of her lips move to form the syllables of my dirty name. The name of a man who couldn't protect his wife (and his child, you bastard, you can't ever forget about the child).

'Just promise me one thing.' She continues, never breaking her icy stare. 'Promise that you'll love me. Even when you hate me.' I hear the heartbreak in her voice and my lips devour hers. I kiss her as if I'm dying (oh Erin can't you see it's me I hate) and she's my salvation. My fingers dig into her hipbones and she moans into my mouth. I'm dirty –why am I touching the woman I couldn't keep safe, the woman I pushed away? But she still wants me and she's loving me with everything she's got. I've already taken so much from her, now her common sense has gone too. Why does she love me? I break our kiss, breathless, but my lips are greedy for her and they head down her throat (I can't, I shouldn't) and she's moaning, clutching onto me with so much aggression. Her hands travel up my back and her fingers twist into my hair. My tongue caresses her earlobe (I can't, I shouldn't, I can't stop) and I leave a hot kiss on the skin underneath. She's intoxicating. She's my favourite poison. And I'm her drug. I'm so bad for her. I've ruined her life in every way possible and dragged her down to hell with me. But like a good addict, she can't leave – she won't. She's openly embraced her addiction. She's an addict that's thrown away her life for the high I give her.

Why are you addicted Erin?

Her fingernails rake ever so gently across the skin of my neck and memories of those nights of me and her tangled in our sheets for hours and hours till we're both exhausted and aching flash through my mind. We were too in love. Our flame burnt out too quickly. Those memories will forever remain memories until they become cloudy and fade away all together. I pull back and my eyes flutter open. All I see is pain. Silent tears stream down her perfect face (did she ever cry this much before?) through closed eyes. My throat tightens (you're the pain in that pretty face) and I let her tears fall. I want her to know those are my tears falling down her cheek, I want her to shove me away and run.

Just run away, Erin.

But I need her. She needs to love me. I have no one else besides my girl. My brother (who is he?) makes me question everything. All I have is you, Erin. All I need is you. Those icy blue eyes are open once more and her hand rests on my chest. She can feel my rapid heartbeat and she must already know that it only beats that way for her.

'Promise me, Daryl.' She insists.

'I can't,' my voice breaks and I step out of her arms, out of our space and into the harsh reality we've created. The reality which is a product of my ignorance and her stubbornness. I turn my back to her. I'm losing my mind as I watch the green mess of trees and grass ahead when I feel small arms wrap around my waist.

'Don't do this to me, Daryl. Don't you dare shut me out again.' She's reprimanding me, her cheek against my back, her words muffled.

'I was going to be a father.' The words leave my mouth before I can stop myself. I feel her stiffen behind me. Neither of us speaks for a long time. Her chest rises and falls in sync with my breathing. We're together –one body, one soul. My arms cover hers which are still wrapped around my waist.

'We can heal together. The only thing stopping us from being together is us. It's not even us against the world...it's me against you and you against me.' Erin says in that soft, alluring voice of hers. What is wrong with her?

'Just stop it.' I raise my voice (my mind says one thing but my actions contradict), prying her arms off my body. Her skin makes contact with mine and suddenly I'm thinking of me and her together, me and her as one, me and her. My insides twist and churn. I want her so badly, she needs to see that. I love her just as much, possibly even more than ever before. She needs to see that because right now I can't find my voice. Right now, all I want to do is push her away. I want to shove her and act like I don't care. She hurt me in ways I hadn't thought imaginable. I'm sure I've hurt her even more. She needs to see that she and I belong. We belong, no matter the circumstances.

Please, Erin. I need you to see.