Yellow Roses

Chapter 15: Liz

I can't remember the last time I had a happy Christmas. When I was little, my mom at least tried to give us gifts, and make an effort to keep me and my brother to believe in Santa and the holiday joy. However, whenever Brett passed away, Christmas just hasn't been the same; Nothing has, honestly.

My mom doesn't even make an effort to decorate anymore, we don't even have a Christmas tree put up this year, and haven't for the past few holidays as well.

I walked out to the living room to see my mom sitting in her chair smoking a cigarette. I sat on the couch across from her and threw a blanket over me.

"Merry Christmas sweetie." She said in a raspy voice, as if she just woke up. I cringed a little, but managed to respond.

"Yeah, you too."

She took one last hit before putting out her cigarette in the ashtray next to her.

"I'm going to get straight to the point." She started to say. "Jeff is coming over for dinner tonight. I know you don't want to meet him, but it would be really nice if you'd at least try. Just give him a chance."

I felt sick to my stomach. My mother has brought around so many bad boyfriends in the past who just enabled her to try and become addicted to drugs. This one deals cocaine so obviously he can't be that good of a guy.

"I guess I don't really have a choice." I said harshly.

She reclined her seat back and turned down the volume of the tv.

"Liz, you're too hard on me. I deserve to be happy too. He doesn't do the shit, he's just trying to make quick cash. He told me he'd stop. He's got a full time job."

I audibly laughed. "Yeah, ok mom." I said as I stood up. "I'll give him a shot but if I catch any more drugs in this house or him being disrespectful, I'm going to lose it."

Before she had a chance to respond, I stormed into my room and shut the door behind me. I sat at the edge of my bed and opened my nightstand drawer to open my bag of weed. I usually smoke every morning, but lately I've been needing it more than ever. I took a nugget out and ground it up before putting it into my bowl, and lighting it up.

As I exhaled the smoke from my lungs, I began to think about the difference between a marijuana and cocaine high. Weed makes me feel relaxed, while coke makes me feel full of energy. As a matter of fact, I haven't felt so alive in years after doing a line, not since I was a kid.

Fuck. Oh fuck.

I'm hating myself the more I think about how much of a hypocrite I am. I would never touch shit like heroin or meth, but suddenly marijuana isn't enough right now. I want to feel that rush again, like I'm alive instead of barely getting by. Maybe I can use Jeff to my advantage when I meet him.

Suddenly, the anger I feel towards myself started to surge throughout my body. Why the fuck am I like this? What am I turning into?

My thoughts were interrupted when I felt my phone buzz. I checked it to see Carrie had messaged the group chat.

Carrie: Merry Christmas everyone! I just wanted to say I don't think I'll be coming to the New Years Eve get together... I've been insanely sick lately :( So I'm going to take it easy. Hope you all understand!

Oh wow. I had totally forgotten we made plans to hang out for New Years Eve. I've been so caught up feeling sorry for myself that I hardly thought about much outside of how I've been feeling lately.

I knew Carrie wasn't just sick, she was sick because of a pregnancy, but Ava and Angel can't know about that. I also promised I'd help take her to get help later this week. I don't really want to go now either.