: ̗̀➛ part three of the
one for the road series
SNOWFALL / CL16
in which two childhood friends reunite. a formula one driver wants to learn how to snowboard and it just so happens that the daughter of his mum's be...
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✧ ˚ · . CHAPTER FORTY-ONE. · ˚✧ I wish I could un-recall, how we almost had it all
paris, may 2023
I was a ghost of myself. Paris has never before been so cold, even though it was the middle of April and spring was knocking on the door. A winter-like chill swept through the air, the cold biting against my face and the exposed skin of the hand pulling my luggage out of the cab and into my apartment building. There was a storm looming above my head, grey clouds reflecting the shades of my heart.
The familiar motions of unpacking and showering and changing into comfortable clothes took place without truly processing my actions: my body was clearly on autopilot, my mind too busy processing the events that had taken place over the past couple of days. I was only half aware of the fact I had just two days to shake myself out of this before having to go back to work. Nobody knew I was already back in Paris, and I wasn't planning on letting them know anytime soon.
All I wanted was to be alone right now.
The one thing I was not prepared for was the sheer volume of things belonging to Charles scattered around my apartment: the drawer filled to the brim with clothes I had cleared out for him after giving him his key, the sheets on his side of the bed that still smelled so like him, his skincare and hair products on the sink in the bathroom. He was everywhere, had integrated himself perfectly into my life, and now my space was no longer mine. It had been ours. And what if it would never be ours again?
I became a puddle on the floor, a white fluffy towel all that was separating my dignity from the hardwood floor that was cold against my skin. His scent was everywhere, surrounding me and the seeping into me. I was suddenly holding one of his favourite hoodies—one of my favourite hoodies of his, too— in my hands and crying. Was I supposed to give this back? How was I meant to hand over these pieces of him like they weren't as much mine as they were his?
Tears tore from my throat until all that was left was heaving sobs—thunder without lightning. There were no tears left to stain his sweater, but the grey clouds still hung heavy above my head. Where was the rain? Where was the sun? It all blended from one into the other, vision blurring and thunder cracking and sobs wrecking and hands fisting cream fabric that was so Charles it made me nearly reach for my phone and call him.
What had happened? The events all blurred together until there was no beginning and no end. I threw the hoodie away from me and pulled myself up, determined to keep going about my day as if it were just a normal day. A day just like months ago, when Charles had been a distant regret at the back of my mind, rather than a present golden orb in my everyday life.
What's fucking stopping you then? If I'm so horrible to you, you should just fucking go.
His words reverberated through my mind and my body, like echoes of sound and feeling wrapped up into one. Almost as if I was being shot in the chest repeatedly, heart twisting and lurching and aching to the point I thought I was having a heart attack.
