Some things change. | l.s.

22

"You want to hear my excuse? I have none." Harry huffed and slumped down on the couch next to Zayn. "I thought I had one, but I realised now nothing could count as an excuse for how we treated him."

"So? What was it?" Zayn asked expectantly, being pissed that Harry judged him and didn't come out with his own secret now.

"You know, it would be easier if both of you would act like adults and hold a proper conversation. Just like normal people, you know? Without arguing, getting loud or cussing at each other." Liam piped in, watching them silently until now as he leaned against the doorframe with crossed arms.

He wanted to be long gone, but he didn't trust them being entirely honest with each other if he wasn't there. He knew they wouldn't be able to possibly come clear with everything if there wasn't someone who observed them as if they were five year olds fighting over a crayon.

"I got bullied." Harry confessed and the following silence was louder than when they were fighting.

"What?" Zayn asked baffled.

"In my old school. And why? Surprise, because I was gay." Harry chuckled humorlessly and shook his head. "It wasn't that bad, but bad enough that my mum took me out of school and we moved. I swore to myself to make everything different so I never had to go through this again and then I met Louis. He was the first person I got in contact with and-" He broke off when the lump in his throat prevented him from talking further.

No one said anything. Liam kept quiet, just being there to listen, though he didn't know about that confession either and Zayn was too stunned to speak. Harry took his time gathering himself before he got up and paced up and down the room needing to move otherwise he would've gone crazy.

"-I was head over heels for him from the beginning." He huffed out another laugh, noticing how ridiculous that sounded as he said it out loud after everyone in the room knew that was the absolute contrast of how he treated him. He turned to Zayn whose mouth dropped open in shock and nodded. "Yeah. I was. Fuck, I fell for him so quickly...but then I noticed how he got picked on. He always tried to hide it from me, but Stephen and Max made it impossible to do so and when you came up to me and asked me to hang out and eat with you instead of 'with that loser' and I knew you were friends with them I was too much of a wimp to stand up for Louis and stay with him. I was simply scared that my past would repeat itself if I stayed friends with him. So I did the biggest mistake and started to join you picking on him because I knew how popular I was for the first time ever and I couldn't risk to lose that."

"Woah..." Liam muttered and rubbed his face with his hand.

"Yeah." Harry agreed. "But I never stopped loving him. And I still did this to him. And now I did it again." Now finally the tears broke through the surface and ran over his cheeks. "I could've had him and I ruined it. Just because I was so fucking scared to lose you if you'd find out..."

Zayn just looked at him and held his gaze when Harry directed those words to him through blurry eyes.

"...that's why I told you I just wanted to get on his good side because of the job when in reality I just did everything to spend time with him and get him to forgive me because I wanted him. And I wanted to be his. And I could've had that, he was starting to trust me again, we were getting closer, he told me things...and I broke his trust and broke him because of a fucking lie! I wanted it!" He got louder with each word, pressing his finger on his own chest. "I wanted him to fuck me, I did all of the things I told you he did and after we slept together I begged him not to regret it because he did. Because he was scared and I told him not to be because it would be fine...and now I lost the only person I ever loved. Again."