Someone Worth Lying For

7) Choices

We all sat there awake, whether we were going or not. During that time, I hadn't played my instrument since I didn't want anyone to be able to tell that I was literally shaking, but I had kept my harmonica right by me, fiddling with the small object and running the cold metal through my fingers. It was something else to focus on besides the thoughts of death in my mind that I wouldn't admit. There was just this gut feeling that none of it was going to be worth it. That maybe staying here was for the best, and nothing bad would even happen.

It's one thing to say you're going to do something, but actually doing it is a different story. At the same time, I'd be the shuckiest shuckface ever if I let my friends do this alone.

So I just stayed quiet like everyone else as they had divided into groups. Glancing at the clock, I tried to tune out the constant ticking, reminding me that there wasn't any time left. Not really. In just ten minutes, we all had to choose sides yet again. I'm just hoping that after this decision that stops. Maybe we can all just be on one team.

Realistically, that won't be happening. Still, I can dream. Because I seem to dream a lot, all the time, about things that can't happen. I dream about Chuck being here with me, irritating everyone. I dream about murdering Gally after what he did. I dream about Alby taking charge and probably scaring that Aris guy a bit. I dream about Teresa being back in Aris's place, enough for us all to forget about his existence. I dream about waking up to the hens in the Glade. I dream about running through the Maze with Minho, us only talking about any differences in the path or on breaks, yet that experience bringing us closer. I dream about how terrified the Greenie's were when Winston would come out of the shed covered in pig's blood. I dream about Frypan complaining about us being ungrateful for his stew while I just sit there in silence before asking if he wears a hairnet.

I dream, and I dream, and I dream, and it never comes true.

Damn, this klunk's getting depressing.

Looking at the clock again, I saw that I had five minutes left. Not feeling the need to speak, I stood up and left the living room. Strolling into the bedroom, I shut the door and sat on the bed that was supposed to be for Teresa. Now criss cross applesauce, I kept fiddling with my harmonica as I stared at the engraving.

AJ

I wonder who AJ is. The name's kind of cool, but how'd he lose his harmonica? How is it in my hands? Why? Did this shank give it to me or did I steal it? And why would I steal it?

Damnit again. I know what I'm doing. It's not good at all, not healthy in the slightest bit, but there could be worse ways to handle stress.

Still, that doesn't make my inner deflecting any better.

Self awareness is not always a sign of growth. At least, not for me. I think it just means I can catch myself and internally acknowledge that what I'm doing isn't good. I just don't know how to stop it. But that's good though because I'm not dead. Even if my own mind is giving me a headache everything about this is a-okay. We just have to trust these random WICKED people who made us prisoners in our own lives. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, actually everything. Everything could go wrong, and my head's too loud, and there's nobody here to distract me from this. But I can't be with anyone because I just need five minutes alone. But I don't have five minutes, and this is pure hell, and I'm already regret deciding so early. Also, it's really hot. Why the shuck is it burning up?

We do actually have to go soon. I have to and join the others. I can't hide, because cowards hide, and I am not a coward.

Aris's P.O.V

I knew where she was. With three minutes left of a big decision, I was sure that she was hiding from everyone, probably trying to distract herself. She was unfortunately always great at that.

Then again, it's been a while. Maybe she doesn't do that anymore. Maybe she does. It wasn't as if I could exactly ask her while she was in the Glade. Whether I liked it or not, we weren't connected anymore, even if it wasn't by choice.

Well, not by one of our choices. Different people want different things though.

At the same time, yes. We absolutely wanted each other. Yes. Our goals and ambitions were exact opposites. Yes. That did screw it up in the end.

I hate this even more than before. Not mine. She's not mine, and there's always so much going on. Even though WICKED promised that it would be okay, this was giving me a headache. I've got Y/N being her old self while also not remembering everything I want and don't want her to. Not even my, "te extrañé, mi amor."

Then, there's Thomas. I've got to be close but not too close for when I help destroy him. Obviously, it's better than him being dead, but it still sucks. I in no way want to kiss Teresa, and she absolutely does not want to kiss me. So all we can do is hope that for once he won't fight, but he probably will because he never follows directions.

There's Minho, looking at me like he knows something every ten seconds. If he wanted to he could also do a good amount of damage to me. I'm, in a non-bragging way, by no means weak. I could never afford to be, mentally or physically. Still, he did slam me against a wall. So if he wanted to do something again it was clear that I wouldn't get a warning.

To top it off, there's the telepathy with Teresa. I keep accidentally sending her my thoughts. I'm just so used to Rachel being my partner, and that little time we used to practice in our Mazes would never compare to those years of concentration and dedication with my former partner.

She's dead now though, because of me. Kind of. I didn't move fast enough so Beth's attempt to murder me actually murdered Rachel.

So far, this has not been going well. Literally everything is against me.

The choices were only going to get harder though. It has to get worse before it gets better.

Also, while it's definitely not the time, maybe Y/N will like me again. Maybe this will be a chance to start over. Maybe this will be the new beginning for every single one of us.

It will all come down to the choices we make.

Then again, I'm not exactly known for making good ones.