To Believe In Promises (Tumbling Down trilogy - DM fanfic)

Break Up Or Make Up (Ch.9)

Mariah: Okay, what the hell happened?!

I pretend to be asleep.

Mariah: Mackenzie! Wake up.

She shakes my shoulder. I look up just enough for her to see my annoyance, then put my head back down.

Me(mumbling): Whaaat?
Mariah: Why did you break up with Drake?
Me: I just...I had to. It's complicated.
Mariah: Did you go back to that old boyfriend of yours? My god, Kenz, that never works.
Me: No I didn't. I just couldn't keep pretending I could handle being in a relationship anymore.
Mariah: Then what's going on?
Me: I don't know. I'm calling my psychiatrist tonight.

I know she gives me a weird look because of how her voice sounds.

Mariah: Psychiatrist?
Me: I was bullied. A lot during my freshman year. It caused some depression and some PTSD. I nearly killed myself. Calls for a psychiatrist.
Mariah: Oh.
Me: Yeah. 'Oh'.

I get up and push past her, making my way to my car. I sit in the driver's seat for a moment, just staring at the steering wheel.

I take my phone out and call Dr.Parks, not knowing if he'll even answer.

Surprisingly, he does.

Dr.Parks: Hello?
Me: Hey, it's Mackenzie. Again.
Dr.Parks: What up? You sound upset.

I let out a cry and cover my mouth.

Me: I am.
Dr.Parks: What's going on?
Me: Something's just been...in the way. I don't know what it is or why. I went home for break and was at a party with my friends. I drank a little. Tyler was there. He made sure I got home. I ended up letting him spend the night. And now I'm so confused and sad and I can't...I don't know.

He stays quiet for a second.

Then, he says.

Dr.Parks: For now, I'm going to suggest you start writing things down again. I'm going to call around and see if I can get you into somewhere. Would you like to be in a group again or just a new temporary psychiatrist?

Anything but group, my god.

Me: Just a psychiatrist.
Dr.Parks: Alright. As for right now, please write your feelings down. You need an outlet. You still hide.

I nod, though he can't hear that.

Me(quietly): Okay. Thank you.
Dr.Parks: I'll call you back by tomorrow morning, alright.
Me: Works for me.

I hang up with him and let my tears run for a couple minutes. Then I turn the key and hook my phone up to the car.

The song, "Smile" starts to play and I turn up the music.

I don't know where to go, so I just decide to drive around. I sing to cut off my crying. Which, with this song, is really easy. It just...lightens my mood.

Me: ♫ the worst is just to come; we'll be lucky if we ever see the sun; got nowhere to go, we got we could be here for a while; but the future is forgiven so smile...♫

I keep driving in hope of finding some light for myself.

When I realize I'm at the Pennsylvania boarder, I stop and end up getting out of the car.

Me and Tyler came here once, for no reason. On the back of the "Welcome to Pennsylvania" sign, I wrote, "we were here". Walking up to the metal, I touch the corner. My permanent marker note is still there, yet is a little faded.

I'm tempted to cross "we" out and put "I" but I don't. Instead, I pull out the marker from my car and draw and arrow to the note and write "come back" next to it.