To Believe In Promises (Tumbling Down trilogy - DM fanfic)

New Place (Ch.5)

Dr.Parks: Remember what I told you. You two are in different places now and-
Me: I know!

I get up with a light slam on my palms on the armrests. I stand behind the chair, gripping it so hard my knuckles turn white.

Me: I just...he blames himself for everything that happened to me. And he shouldn't. And that makes me feel like I did something for him to think that and maybe I actually did. We're just falling apart and I don't like that.
Dr.Parks: Why do you think you two clicked in the beginning anyways?
Me: I don't know...opposites attract I guess. We're both introverts on a certain level.
Dr.Parks: Meaning?
Me: I'm just quiet. He doesn't like to talk about anything personal. Except to me on occasion.
Dr.Parks: Like...?

I'm not supposed to be talking about him.

Me: Anything. His opinion on anything remotely personal. Me, most of the time, his family...
Dr.Parks: Does that bother you?
Me: I mean a little. When I can tell he's mad or upset about something and he won't tell me. But I'm kind of the same way.
Dr.Parks: Do you butt heads a lot?
Me: I mean...not usually. We had an argument yesterday but it wasn't huge or anything.
Dr.Parks: What about?

How do I word this?

Me: I just felt so...uncomfortable around him. He tried to kiss me and I freaked out a little and I don't know why.
Dr.Parks: Freaked out how?
Me: Not really a freak out. I just kind of jumped. I don't get why. I've wanted him back here for so long but...

He doesn't reply. At first.

Me: What?
Dr.Parks: It's a fact that teens who have sex before they're ready or in a committed relationship are much more likely to have their relationship end.
Me(loudly): So I ruined my own relationship?!
Dr.Parks: Shh...no, I'm not saying that.

I sit down, elbows balancing on my knees, my head in my hands.

Dr.Parks: I'm saying your decisions may have affected yourselves in negative ways.
Me: That's the same thing!
Dr.Parks: No it is not. Look, calm down, take a breath, and rejoin me.

I run my fingers through my hair, trying to think rationally.

Me: Okay.
Dr.Parks: You two may have just done...what you did in the heat of everything, you may not have been ready like you thought.
Me: Okay but I just don't want this to ruin us.
Dr.Parks: You have to be okay with yourself before you can fix your relationship with him.
Me: Just...how do I get over feeling like a slut?

~*~*~*~*~*~

Maddie: Don't guys usually do push ups to get stress out of their head?

I reply in between breaths, which are in sync with my push ups. Acrobatic dancers always do push ups. Handstands don't come easily.

Me: I...don't...care...
Maddie: Alright what up? You've been down here for over and hour and haven't stopped pacing and exercising for-

I plop onto the floor and sit up, annoyed.

Me: I just...I'm trying to get some thoughts out of my head.
Maddie: Like what?

I almost say "Kayla's still in my head," but then she would blame herself.

Me: Me and Tyler stuff. Don't worry about it.
Maddie: Okay. Well, dinner is almost ready.
Me: Fine.

I go back to push ups. Whatever and whenever Dr.Parks said I have to he okay with myself, it stuck with me.

Strong muscles.
Flat stomach.
Smart brain.
Pretty hair.
Nice face.
Happy thoughts.

I need all these things.