To Believe In Promises (Tumbling Down trilogy - DM fanfic)

Miss Me, Miss Me (Ch.11)

Im sorry I suck at updating guys😭

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A tear makes its way down my cheek. Tyler is quick to catch it.

Tyler: What did I tell you? It's all okay.

I nod, still letting tears fall, hoping he catches them just so he'll touch me. I just want him to touch me.

He does. Immediately after, I push myself to his chest, tightly hugging his waist.

Tyler: Baby, it's okay.

His hand runs over my hair.

Me: I love you.

I force those words out so he gets my urgency.

Tyler: I love you more. Just relax.

He presses his lips to my head, keeps me tightly in his embrace, and brushes my hair with his fingers.

Something is very wrong with me. I'm literally freaking about having to have him leave. Am I seriously going through separation anxiety? I've never felt like this before...

Well thank god I'm seeing a shrink tomorrow.

I squeeze him for a second and he kisses my head again. It helps settle my nerves. Momentarily.

Me: Call as-
Tyler: As soon as I get home. And as many times as possible after.

I nod at his chest, refusing to look up. I take in his scent and his presence. He smells all the same ways he used to. It comforts me.

Tyler: So when are you going to be okay enough to even let me kiss you?
Me: The top of my head is right there.
Tyler: Its not your lips.

I'm too weak and tired to even lift my head.

Me: So?
Tyler: Hey.

He runs his fingers along my neck and jawline. When he gets to my chin, he pushes upward so I have to see him. Even in the dimming sunlight, I can see how green his eyes are. And the gold-rimmed pupils.

Tyler: You. You are gonna be perfectly fine. I promise.

I nod and keep staring.

He leans down and lightly brushes his lips against my forehead, then the bridge of my nose, then my cheek, then meets my lips.

We gradually end up in a kiss that is rough, not wanting either person to forget how the other feels, looks, hell, even smells and tastes.

His hands hold me up above my hips, fingers at either side of the small of my back. Mine hold his neck, not wanting to let go.

But I know I have to.

After our lips break apart, he slowly lets me slip from his grasp. But just before he gets in his car, that old grey car, he hands me one of his sweatshirts.

Tyler: I know you're gonna need one of these.

I nod, smirking, trying to cover up the fact I'm about to cry again.

Tyler: Don't be sad, okay?

Simple request, so hard to follow. I nod.

Me: Trying. But yeah, I'm gonna need that.

I take the bundle of fabric and hold it close.

Tyler: I love you.
Me: I love you too.

He hugs me once more, leaves his kiss on my forehead, cheek, and lips.

Then I watch as he leaves me here. Alone. In New York.

For a while I just stand there, looking at the sweatshirt, taking in what just happened.

Did I just open up to him again?

Fuck.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Me: Yeah...so...I guess I'm doing better.
Dr.Evans: Then what was all the tears and calls to Dr.Parks about?
Me: I've been...confused. So much happened to me in so little time. It caused depression and I...I nearly committed suicide. When I broke from my life in Pittsburgh I thought it would give me a fresh start. I just felt even more lonely.
Dr.Evans: I'm not going to make you relive it unless you want to. Solely your decision on what we talk about. But why don't you tell me about those years. It could help.

So I spend the next fifteen minutes explaining my entire high school story again.

It's, oddly, not as hard to do it this time. The only part I feel tears urging is when we talk about Tyler. Which, again, is very weird.

Dr.Evans: So this boyfriend. Seems like you two have been through a lot.

I nod.

Dr.Evans: Where is he now?
Me: Back home.
Dr.Evans: You talk to him still?
Me: We kind of...maybe...got back together...

All of a sudden, the doctor in front of me leans forward as if he has had an epiphany.

Dr.Evans: See, this is what I think part of your problem is. This is your life. Everyone gets a life. Everyone gets to live it how they want. You don't have to ask for permission to do things. Well, most things. You formed a very strong bond with someone. If that person makes you happy, hold on to them. Do what you want. Don't think that it's bad or stunts your recovery or let fear control you.
Me: But I'm-
Dr.Evans: But you are. You just told me, like a child who did something they weren't supposed to: "I kind of maybe for back together with him". Do you see how you told me that?

I'm starting to get what he means. Barely. Mr.Parks told me the same things. I just never listened, because I never got it. I still don't get it, so I speak up.

Me: But we had sex before we were ready! It hurt us like hell! I thought I was pregnant because I felt so guilty! It drove us apart.
Dr.Evans: So what did you do?
Me: I came to school. I tried to live life as best I could with the guilt and hell, maybe even heartbreak. My roommate said her brother had a crush on me. So I went out with him.

He has to keep prodding me with questions because I always slow my speech to a stop.

Dr.Evans: How did that go?
Me: I thought I liked it. At first. I smiled more. It was nice to have someone again. But I realized it wasn't what I wanted.

Something hits me at that moment.

Me: It's weird...
Dr.Evans: What is?
Me: We never fought. Me and Drake, that's his name, by the way. We never fought. He was nice, I was nice. But we were together for an entire semester and it was...too perfect. Too easy. I liked the fight.

He gives me a somewhat confused look.

Dr.Evans: Explain...
Me: Well, me and Tyler went through our honeymoon phases. But we always had our big fights. We had our little confrontations. But I missed fighting with him. Isn't that so weird? I missed us yelling at each other. Screaming and feeling...I don't know, maybe even hatred for each other. But I missed it.
Dr.Evans: When couples, or anyone for that matter, fights, you show emotion. Emotion, especially when two explode at one another, is the feelings that you buried deep. I'm sure you don't explode at people like you did him, correct?

I nod. Slowly.

Dr.Evans: You two would show all these emotions you never saw of each other. It was different from all the lovey-dovey, honeymoon stuff.

I get what he means. I missed him. I missed every part of him. Even the ugly parts.