Entry 1: I NEED a new boyfriend

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Lately, I've been considering suicide.

As dramatic as that may sound, I can't stop myself from coming back to the idea. There seems to be no end in sight to this misery.

Dealing with the aftermath of my entire life crumbling around me has been nothing but soul crushing and depressing. I've even taken it upon myself to write again in this diary I got in middle school. I'm going to document my life from this moment on. That way, if I do decide to end it all, it will come as no shock to anyone that finds and reads this.

Funny how the very last entry in this thing is about the last time my life had fallen apart. The 5th grade winter music concert where I found out that my crush Luke H didn't like me and wanted Haley L to be his girlfriend. Thank God she moved away in middle school or else my social status may not have risen as high as it did.

She was really my only competition when it came to boys at school. Things eventually turned around for me back then so it's giving me hope that the same will happen now.

It's insane to think that last year, I was having the most amazing time of my life. My brand new Mercedes wasn't totaled, I had the hottest boyfriend, everyone in school wanted to be me and my parents still totally loved me. Now, I have no car, no boyfriend, I've been vilified by my peers and my parents think I'm nothing but a ginormous disappointment.

It doesn't even matter how hard I try to rectify what happened last year. Nobody will let me forget it. Not my parents, not my ex, and not the school. The only person I can trust is Leah. My best friend who truly stood beside me and proved her loyalty when she honestly should've abandoned ship. Being totally honest, I think I would have if the roles were reversed.

Luckily for me, Leah is nothing like me. She's smart, she's deep and thoughtful. There's something virtuous about her. I think that's why I love to have her around. She's like my living, breathing conscience. My very own Jiminy Cricket. If I never had her by my side, I'd have been in deeper shit way earlier in my life.

Mom is kind of coming around again. She at least acknowledges my existence. She even tries to start a conversation with me every once in a while. It's nice, those few seconds we spend talking like we're actually mother and daughter. I can tell she's trying but I still don't think she's trying hard enough. At least, not as hard as I try. I can even set my attitude aside for her and bite my tongue through her more critical comments. You can only imagine how hard that is for me being a 17 year old girl.

Dad.

Ugh, don't even get me started on Dad. I am not so much as a speck of dust floating by his eye. I'm less than the dirt beneath his feet. Go about 6ft deeper than the sole of his shoe and I'm still less than the bacteria feeding on decomposing bodies. To that man, I don't exist. There hasn't been a word spoken between us in months. I'm serious! Not one single word. He passes by me in the house like I'm a ghost. He looks beyond me like I'm some drab decor or furnishing my mom picked out.

At first, his silence was a relief. I thought he was going to kill me when he found out about everything. I thought he was going to scream, ground me for life, beat me with one of his designer belts. Alas, that was not the case. Sometimes I wish he'd done something. At least he'd acknowledge the fact that I'm alive. Instead, it's been nothing but insufferable silence for 9 months and not a single moment of eye contact.

I think I'm beginning to hate him as much as he hates me.

Luckily for my father, there is one person I hate more than anyone.
The bane of my existence.
The reason for my downfall.
My biggest regret in life.

DRAKE WHITTAKER.

I hope he chokes. I hope he drops dead!!  I would kill him myself if he was worth doing life in prison. That stupid dickhead is the reason I'm in this mess. It's all his fault! I wish I could go back in time and break up with him sooner. Hell, I wish we never dated at all!

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