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Months pass and every day seems to be the same. I drink until I'm numb. I can't sleep unless I take pills from the doctor. But the pills don't stop the dreams.
I dream of her.
Every damn night, and I wake up in a cold sweat and feel sick all the time.
I've considered taking an entire bottle of pills at once and ending it. But every time I want to do it, I can't bring myself to. I think of Jenny and my brothers and how much it would hurt them. Then I think of Elowyn and I want to do it again. I spend my time going back and forth, contemplating suicide, unable to get out of bed. Food doesn't seem to have much taste anymore. I have a perpetual stomach ache that lasts from the moment my eyes open, to the time I go to sleep.
There's no trace of her in my apartment anymore. Aside from my journal which is buried in the bottom drawer of my desk. Yet I still see her everywhere. In the couch, my bed, the shower, in the kitchen. She's plaguing my mind and I hate it.
I've thought of cornering her outside of her apartment, but I can't do that. She's made her decision and I have to live with it.
I've started to wonder if it's possible to die from a broken heart. But I think if you could, then I'd be dead already. I thought Elene had broken my heart... how wrong I was. If I could go back and talk to my fifteen year old self, I'd tell him to wait many years, until he meets a pretty brunette because it'll be so much worse than the damage Elene did.
I thought about what our children would look like. A cute little angel that would look just like her mummy with long brunette hair, my eyes and Elowyn's nose. Maybe the most handsome boy that would look just like me. My curls, her eyes and her nose.
I don't care much anymore. I just need to get her out of my system.
