Two Ghosts

Chapter 26

May 10th, 2023

I met Harry Styles tonight. I was so nervous and I knew he could tell. I've had the biggest crush on that man since I was a young teen. I didn't tell him that though, for obvious reasons. He invited me to join him for lunch tomorrow and he asked me to attend a movie premiere with him. He practically told me he wanted to sleep with me, said he doesn't care that I'm married to Orlando. For the first time since I've been married, I thought about sleeping with someone else. I wonder if Harry would care if I was a virgin...

May 11th, 2023

Harry kissed me. We were hidden from everyone and he kissed me in a way that I've never been kissed before. I don't know how a stranger could make me feel in such a way. Harry's difficult to read, but there's a sadness hidden behind his pretty eyes.

May 12th, 2023

I feel like such a teenager, writing in my journal because I've had my very first orgasm. He walked me home after our failed attempt at having sex. It never went further than him touching me. He was... shocked? at the fact that I was a virgin. I thought he'd be.

June 7th, 2023

I'm drunk while writing this entry. Orlando is working somewhere in his office, I assume. I bumped into Harry today. There's so much tension between us and all I want is for him to just take me to bed already. He makes me feel wanted.

June 9th, 2023

I had yet another dream about H. I called him and told that it made me orgasm. He invited me over and I thought that would finally be the time that we... had sex. It wasnt. His sister surprised him and I ended up going home..

June 12th, 2023

We finally had sex. I don't really think I can say how good it felt. There aren't enough words to describe it. He hurt me once we were done and I ran out of his apartment like a crazy woman. He came after me and apologised and I ended up going back to his apartment.

July 4th, 2023

This is so much more than an affair. To both of us. He told me he loved me. I feel... giddy whenever he tells me. We had our first fight and he was mean. I wasnt really expecting him to be so jealous. He was jealous of Claude Auclair. I don't care about Claude. The only man I want is Harry.

July 12th, 2023

H lost his father and flew out to London. I didn't hear anything from him and it killed me. I convinced Orlando that we should go to London, I told him that Harry needs a shoulder to cry on an with Orlando being his friend, he was quick to book our flights. After the service for his father, Orlando drove back to London while I stayed in Holmes Chapel with Harry. The next morning Sharon showed up and Harry and I had another fight.

August 3rd, 2024

I haven't written in quite a while. H and I had another fight. It seems like that's all we do lately. His jealousy only ends up hurting him. His mood swings drive me crazy... I just want him to be happy.

August 20th, 2024

Harry's obsessed with he idea of me leaving Orlando. He thinks I don't love him because I wont leave yet. That isn't true. I can't leave yet because of everything Orlando does for me. He makes sure I'm okay, he's taken care of me for years and I'd feel so, so bad if I just left him out of the blue. I don't want anyone to get hurt.

October 15th

We had another fight. H kept asking me if I'd clean his sheets after he fucked another woman on them. The thought of him being with another woman kills me. I don't really understand why he says those things to me. Does he want to hurt me?

November 28th

H left Thanksgiving in such a rush. I think my mom might've said something to upset him. He was upset about Orlando holding my hand while we ate. Harry sent me a few drunk texts later on. I made an excuse up and managed to leave the apartment. I went straight to Harry's and cuddled him.

December 16th

I had a really nice day with him. We decorated his tree and it was all going so well until he started asking about Orlando. I don't know why he's jealous. Well, I do. But Orlando doesn't compare to Harry in the slightest. He doesn't even come close. I just want H to be happy.

December 25th

I can't stop crying. I've been crying for the past three days. The urge to go and see him is too strong, but I know that I can't. I've made a deal with God and I can't go back on it. If it were something as small and stupid as a pinky promise, I would have broken it the minute I made that deal. But it's not. A deal with God is another thing. I haven't practiced my religion in years, so for my plea to be taken so seriously, I know that I really can't break it. I know the second H comes out of the hospital, he'll go crazy. He's going to think I hate him and I never really loved him. That's not true. I love with with everything in me and that's exactly why I can't see him anymore. This is the last page of my journal. I think it's a little funny how I started writing this a year ago, because of Harry and now it's ending in the same way. I love him so much and I know that I won't ever stop. He'll always be my what if. I know that nobody will ever make me feel the way he did.

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