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PRESENT DAY
I can't remember falling asleep.
My head is pounding and I'm hungover. I drank way too much last night, as usual. I was trying to forget about her. Clearly it didn't work. She's fresh on my mind, even more so because I saw her last night after Orlando invited me up for a drink.
I wish I hadn't agreed to go up with him. All I did was fuck myself over. I wish I could just stop thinking about her, stop caring. Stop loving her. I smoke a cigarette before laying back down on my bed. I press my face into my pillow as I wrap myself up in the covers. I miss her, I hate her, I love her. I just want her back. God, I miss her so much I could cry again.
I force myself to get out of bed. After going to the bathroom and washing my hands once I was finished, I stare at myself in the mirror. There are two patches of skin on my stomach and chest that are a few shades lighter from when I got shot. The hair on my chest, over the scar has never grown back either which makes it much more noticeable. I run my hand over my scars once again as I try to think of what happened that night for Elowyn to leave me.
I sigh before taking a long shower. My hair is shorter now and I'm on the verge of having a beard with how much I've let my stubble grow. I got my hair cut the other day and donated my long hair to charity. After I get changed into a pair of brown pants, a striped shirt, green jacket and a pair of black and white vans, I head out of my apartment, already knowing where I'm going.
It takes me some time, but I finally reach our spot. Or... old spot? Was it even really ours? It looks exactly the same. The last time I was here, I was with her. It was November and we laid together on a blanket, reading and sharing a bottle of prosecco. The thought of us together makes my stomach ache. I sit on the bench and wrap my arms around my stomach as I lean forward, my head between my legs as I breathe slowly. I want to cry.
"Harry?"
I jump, startled by the sound of her voice as I quickly sit up. She's a few feet away from me and she looks beautiful, even if I don't want to admit it. Her cheeks are rosy from the chilled air, her hair let down and shining, and she's wearing a light green knit dress with boots.
I don't know what to say, but I can't look at her. So I stare down at my hands, my fingers intertwined, and I can tell that she's coming closer. She sits down beside of me, too close for comfort, but I don't move.
"How are you doing?" She asks quietly.
"Fine." I clear my throat, "Never better, actually. Can't you tell?"
I know she knows that I'm not fine. She knows me, or at least she used to. I don't know her anymore.
"D-Did you really have a woman waiting for you last night?" She asks, her eyes flicking to the floor as I look at her for a second.
"No."
"Why did you say you did?" She furrows her brows.
"Why do you think I said it?"
"To make me jealous?"
"Hm. Did it work?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know. If I knew you, then I'd say yeah. But I never really did know you, did I?" I scoff.
"You do. You knew me better than anyone I've ever met. You still do." She sighs.
I shake my head. She says nothing as she stares me. I can feel her eyes burning into the side of my face as I look away from her.
"Are you... will you read my book?" She asks.
"No."
"You once said you'd read something of mine. You actually mentioned it a few times." She whispers.
She's trying to make small talk now as if we're friends? I don't want to be her friend.
"And you always told me you'd never leave." I raise my brows slightly, "I guess we're both liars now, hm?"
"I already have a copy being sent to you." She looks away from me.
"I know. I had a lovely little chat with your husband last night. He was telling me all about your book. How lucky am I to get a signed copy of it?" I laugh humourlessly.
I can't bring myself to look at her as silence overtakes us. I'm likely to fall apart if I look into her eyes. She touches my hand and it makes me jump. I pull my hand from hers and look at her, my brows furrowed. I can't do this. I can't be this close to her.
"Jesus, I can't even be near you right now. Just looking at you... fucking hell, it makes my stomach hurt." I shake my head.
"Harry.."
"No. D-Don't say my name. You... you can't do that. Please don't do that to me."
"I never meant to hurt you Harry."
"But you did. You... you hurt me so fucking much. I've never been hurt this way before." I shake my head, "Why would you do that to me?"
"I never meant to, Harry. You have to understand that it was never my intention for you to hurt like this. You... you don't understand."
"Understand? I don't understand!? What the fuck is there to understand? You left me. Obviously I don't understand, Elowyn. You left without a word. You fucked me over."
She's at a loss for words as I stand. I want her to tell me she's sorry. I need her to tell me that she loves me. But she doesn't. She never cared about me, never loved me. It was all fake and like the idiot I am, I fell for it.
"Fuck you." I glare at her as I start to walk away, "And fuck Orlando too. Both of you stay the fuck away from me."
