It's A Fine Line

34: Broken Like A Bone

Jungkook was already gone when I woke up. But he left a note at my bedside informing me that he needed to go back home for clothes and that he took the spare key again.

The day was mostly normal, we didn't talk about the previous night at all. It's either because there's nothing left to say or because he felt too fragile about the topic at the moment.

Either way, I understood. Trauma, no matter the shape or form, is never easy to handle. Never easy to express.

And Jungkook took a giant leap of faith in being vulnerable in front of me yesterday. It was new for him and I could respect the delicacy of the topic and him not wanting to talk about it all the time. Especially since he was so candid about it last night.

I understood the feeling so well because I'd experienced it myself albeit in a different way. The loss of my brother, the distance between my family, was a trauma I preferred ignoring. And though it was not healthy in the long run to do so, it helped me go on. It helped me survive each day. And if survival was what I was striving for, I had to think about the present. About the day by day. The "long run" would have to wait.

The study session went without any hiccups. It took a while to get through everything, mostly because I was so tired it took me a few minutes to process questions but it worked out in the end.

The weekend came by faster than anticipated and I was both overjoyed and anxious about my parents arrival.

Jungkook told me everything will be alright and though I was comforted by his words, I was not entirely convinced. After all, I knew my family best.

Things were awkward... at best when my parents first came home.

Greetings were curt, polite niceties were exchanged and small talk was made about my grades.

After that we went our separate ways again in other words we went to our respective rooms.

I tossed and turned in bed a few times, I watched a few videos on YouTube, I messaged Jungkook and Haesoo, and anyone on my contact list willing to talk to me. Because my parents clearly weren't.

And then Hae Soo sent me a message in all caps instructing me to stop avoiding my parents and just talk to them and so I got out of bed with newfound gusto which slowly died out the closer I approached them.

Anything I wantrd to say faded away and I just asked my mom, "Amma, do you need any help with anything?"

"No. Dinner is almost ready. You can sit down. "

I nodded my head and sat in the lounge with my father who was watching the news.

My family hasn't sat at the dining room table since my brother passed. It's always a reminder that there's a member missing and it's overwhelming for all of us.

Dinner was eaten quietly. More small talk. I asked about my sister ( My sister and I were still close despite the physical distance between us.) even though I messaged her every day and probably know her better than my parents did.
But it was my way of trying to keep the conversation alive.

And then it was time for bed again. And I walked...well practically dragged my feet to my room (technically I'm emotionally dragging my feet because I'm not actually allowed to drag my feet)

But Hae Soo's words rang in my head again and I turned around and stomped back to the living room.

My parents were still there, getting ready to go to bed too by the looks of it.

"Do you not like me anymore?" I asked bluntly and rushed. "I know that you're my parents and that you love me...at least I think you do. But do you like me?"