Just Breathe (IN EDITING)

Pain

Evans p.o.v

"JUST SHUTUP PHIL"

I scream at my teary eyed best friend before grabbing my coat and walking out the door, slamming it behind me.

Once it's closed I let out a deep breath I didn't know I was holding. Fuck fuck fuck. Why did I do that, he didn't do anything wrong!

I need to get a handle on myself because I love Phil too much to be treating him like shit, he's everything to me, he's my best friend.

It hurts knowing that in the back of my mind I wish he wasn't my best friend. Because I love him with all my heart but not as much as I love Lilah. I don't care if we're together I just want her back, I just want her to be my best friend again.

Once my breathing calms down I take my back off of the door I've been leaning on and begin to walk away. I hear a groan of frustration coming from Phil on the other side of the door followed by a few whispered cuss words and a wave of guilt hits me. I'll make it up to him, I know I will. I just have to take care of a few things first.

As I ascend the stairs I get looks from the surrounding people. There are two types of look I'm receiving, looks of pity from those who are ignorant to the situation and looks of disgust from those who know much more than they should.

I can't take the way they're all staring at me like I'm some broken child, or even worse a monster. I fucked this up, I messed everything up and I'm destroying the people I love in the process.

The air cuts through me like a sword once I step outside. So bitter and cold chilling me right to the bone even through the jacket I had remembered to grab. I let out a shiver enjoying the numbness that comes with the cold.

I desire to feel nothing, to let the cold take away my feelings, take away my sorrow. With that thought in mind I slip the jacket off of my shoulders and carefully rest it against my arm. Now fully embracing the cold that hits me like a wave as I expose my skin to the bitter gusts of frozen air.

My mind is racing uncontrollably, I fight not to think about the utter guilt I am drowning in after what happened to Lilah. The only thing I ever want is for her to be okay, for her to be protected and happy. It's all I've ever wanted. So why exactly did I fucking get in the way of that?

I hate myself so much. I hate myself for every single thing I've ever done to that girl, I hate myself for loving her. Because if I hadn't loved her she would be happy rather than constantly sought after by lying putrid monsters.

What I hated more than I hated myself was those frat guys. How fucking dare they go after her? After our agreement? I trusted them and still they betrayed me and the woman I so deeply love.

My teeth tightly clench together making a sickening grinding noise. My feet move briskly beneath me but my mind is to far away to even register where they are going. All I can think about while the cold air is freezing my skin and the people surrounding me are giving me concerned looks is the way Lilah's deep grey eyes look when they are rimmed with tears.

Before I know it heavy light is cutting away at the darkness and filling my vision. Music is playing inside the run down house which stands before me. The music is that rap-pop shit that I despise so much. It is loud but not quite loud enough to indicate a party.

I take any apprehension towards the situation that I might be harboring and completely push it to the back of my mind. Knowing that if Phil was hear he would be my voice of reason, convincing me with his soft words that there are far more intellectually superior means of revenge than mild violence. I swear he is too good for me, I tell him every damn day but he refuses to accept it. Right now though Phil is not present and the anger in my heart is to heavy to not act upon it.