Just Breathe (IN EDITING)

Alone

Phil's P.O.V

The walls are closing in on me.

They're surrounding me and they're drawing closer and closer and it's too late, I can't run from this anymore . Everything around me is growing smaller and smaller. I'm alone. No one is here to hold my hand and no one is here to stroke my hair and whisper soothingly into my ear. I'm all alone. I'm going to die here, alone. The screams aren't soaring from my tortured body like a freed cage bird, I've done enough screaming, and no one is here to hear it anymore. The tears are streaming down my face and soaking through my top, mixing with the blood from my bleeding heart. I sit upon the darkness, I wipe the tears from my face, pull my knees to my chest. The walls continue to close around me, ever so slowly. It is here I die. I never wanted to die alone.

"Phil, Phil wake up"

A soft hand grips onto my arm, jostling me from the haunting dreams. It takes a moment for me to register what is occurring. The first thing I notice is the blinding light flowing in through the curtains, contrasting from the darkness which persistently swirls within my own mind. It is a relief to have the darkness dimmed, to drown it with the sunlight which tickles your face and warms your skin. Nothing like the numbness brought on by the dark. The next thing I notice is the soft pillow beneath my head and the tears which are streaming down my face and soaking through its fabric. The minty smell wafting through the air and grasping onto me is almost as calming as the soft hand which is gently running through my sweaty hair. I'm not alone anymore.

"Evan" I whisper grasping hold of the hand which is still gently squeezing my arm, I wrap it around myself and swiftly turn so my head is buried in the crook of his neck. I have never been so glad to have him sharing a bed with me until this very moment. I nuzzle my head deeper into him and allow my tears to drip on to his bare skin. He rubs soothing circles into my back and I cling onto him harder. I'm not alone, I'm not alone, he will never leave me alone.

"Hey shh shh Phil it's alright you're alright. Did you have another nightmare?" Rather than answering I take a shaky breath out of an attempt to stop the sobs which are wracking my chest. After a few deep breaths I will myself to nod lightly against him. Evan was only released from the hospital three nights ago and I already feel as if we are okay again, I can allow myself told hold onto him. As if he is the only thing keeping my world from spinning out of control. He's my person and he's here next to me and my arms are wrapped tightly around him but yet still something is off. There isn't warmth radiating from his eyes and there aren't soft hums and giggles escaping through my lips. We aren't us anymore.

I feel content laying here, allowing the moments to pass and the final tears slipping from my eyes. The content silence giving us time to revel in the ruins that is our friendship, that is our love for each other. Holding one another tighter and tighter as if that could some how magically piece us back together. Only time can do that. All the while we will lay here and we will breathe in one another's beings and we will do everything in our power to be happy. Because that's just what we do, when we can't fix ourselves we keep pushing until someone else can.

"Want to get some breakfast?" Evan mumbles softly into my hair, not bothering to lift his face. I shake my head weakly not particularly hungry and not particularly fond of the idea of feeling anything but empty. The confines of my large bed and soft blankets are too peaceful to sacrifice for breakfast. Evan and I had come here last night, something we used to do constantly yet that seems as if it was years ago. So much has changed in the last week and a half. Everything is familiar here, the large window seat, the dirty clothes scattered across the floor, Evan and I on our designated sides of the bed. This was our place when we were younger, and then our place became Evans dorm when we went off to college, and then our place became anywhere where we were together when the thought of being apart became to much to bear. I'm not really sure if we have a place anymore.