Just Breathe (IN EDITING)

Drunk

*present day*

Phil's p.o.v

The nightmares are getting worse.

They come nightly now, sometimes I'm lucky enough to not remember them. Other times I don't make it out so easy, and they really do haunt me. You don't know horror until you have to see the same vision of your best friend doing terrible things every single time you close your eyes, weather they're to himself or to others. I don't want to think about any of this, I don't want him to haunt me like this.

The thoughts are also getting worse but I'm doing my best to avoid those

But there's no escape now is their

It's been four or five days since Evan and I fought. I don't seem to recall all that well considering I've spent most of my time stuffing my face and playing video games to try and forget about the boy with dull green eyes. The stuffing my face bit didn't work all that well though considering I got sick after unintentionally not eating for days and immediately switching to popcorn palooza

I didn't even leave my house until yesterday when I was feeling particularly bad and the whole situation was finally catching up with me. I had figured I might as well put on some clean clothes and go and see Scott. He had been calling me persistently for the last week or so, but ever since I had informed Evan of the Lilah situation everything has gone wrong. I wasn't really sure how much he knew if any at all but at the time I figured I might as well have told him although in hindsight the whole situation really did not work out in my favor.

The walk to uni had been pleasant, to some extent. The wind was blowing and there was snow left on the ground. It all had looked very beautiful, contrasting significantly with myself. It must have been an interesting sight really. Seeing the chubby pale boy with broken eyes and black hair walking like a lame dog in the sparkling and glorious snowflakes. I feel for any who had to witness it really.

As soon as I had arrived at Scott's dorm I broke down sobbing. Of course before that I had had the few minutes of deliberation outside of his door on whether or not I wanted to play it cool but I just couldn't handle that, everything had been building up and it all just hurt so bad, I mean I had practically lost the most important thing in my life after all. Scott was amazing as always and immediately moved to comfort me. I told him everything while I gushed and sobbed into his shirt. It surprised me how quick he was to turn on Evan in the situation though, I would have suspected him to at least question me a bit.

It had all been going perfectly, but me being Phil of course something just had to go wrong. I had been telling Scott about how I went into the forest and screamed until my throat burned the night I had stormed out on Evan and how I may have slipped into some old risky habits, when the door had slammed open, which looking back on it now was really quite rude. Of course in the door way stood the one and only Evan, looking probably even worse than me. His hair was tangled and matted against his head, eyes rimmed with dark circles. He was wearing my shirt which I had accidentally left and had the same bandage wrapped around his arm from last time we spoke. Although after a few moments of realization I had come to the conclusion that this wasn't just any bandage but rather it was seeping with fresh blood.

I had been so distracted by Evan in that moment and didn't even notice it when Scott had pried himself from my grasp on the bed and pushed Evan from the room. I left shortly after Scott came back from "giving him a talking to" I just didn't want to be around there anymore. Partly being because I wanted to go home and wallow but also because I thought I was going to be sick at the thought of the blood stained bandage wrapped around Evan's arm. I don't know how I could have been so stupid.