Just Breathe (IN EDITING)

Silence

Present Day
*Evans P.O.V*

The darkness was overwhelming, consuming really. If I had to describe it in one word it would be silent. It seems as if everything has disappeared, everything that has ever hurt me or could ever hurt me can't reach me. It resembled emptiness, as if everything that ever was has been wiped clean. Everything was silent, everything was quiet and dark and peaceful, until it was not.

"Evan god Evan no" Phil was somewhere next to me, screaming. No Phil please do not be sad, I never want you to be sad. How can I enjoy the silence when I can hear him sobbing. I don't want to be here, I do not want to live in the emptiness if Phil has to stay with the things that hurt him. I do not want to be here until I know that Phil will not have to follow me. I want to open my eyes, I want to tell him I am okay. I want to see the brightness in his eyes and I want this haziness to go away,but I can't seem to move. It is terrifying, I am mustering all of the strength that is left within myself but still can not manage to even flutter an eyelid. I attempt to let out a frantic shout but even my voice is not cooperating. The darkness won't go away, I want it to go away. My body feels numb and cold and I think I am stuck here, in this darkness.

Phil's voice fades away, his sobs and pleads slip away from me and I desperately try to grasp on to them, to anything that can keep me from this place, from this emptiness but it is not working. Everything grows just a little bit colder, just a little bit quieter. Phil's voice has left me and I feel nothing but the silence. Finally I don't have to feel.

***

The beeping was steady, calming. A second would go by and another beep, then another, then another. It kept me from fluttering my eyelids open, kept me in the darkness. I was comfortable here, with the beeping beside me. I do not want to greet the world, or feel the pain that comes with it. I just want to remain in this dark place with a mysterious beeping cutting though the silence.

It really was serene to say the least. It is as if everything that once was buzzing through my mind and tearing me apart decided to stop all at once. I really can not say what it is that has bothered me in the past, why it is that I am laying in this darkness. But I know the taste of pain which lingers on my tongue like a bitter sadness all too well. My mind is too fuzzy to make sense of any of it, to remember the ghosts which hide within myself. All I am currently registering is that I can not feel what I am so prone to being incapacitated by and I never want to leave this place, this resplendent place of silence. It is tranquil here, and I am not sure how long I have been laid here, been soothed by the monotonous beeping. But I know that I would not mind it if I could stay here longer, if I would not have to remember.

That desire is ripped away from me just as quickly as I had grasped on to it. I was not ready to say goodbye to this delicate place. It was welcoming me to it, urging me to sink deeper within myself and say goodbye to sting of existence and the exasperating beeps which remained at their slow and steady pace. I do not want to hear slow and steady any longer, I want the silence.

The sound of someone's presence was harsh, it was abrupt, dragging me out of my safe place, out of the emptiness. Their soft breathing worked with the beeping to irritate me so, along with the shuffling of papers. I can hear their feet scrape against the floor as they inch towards me, the sound of their existence growing louder. I fight the urge to open my eyes, to force myself from this dark place. I want to remain here, and there is anger bubbling in my chest towards this person who feels they have the right to steal that from me.

My eyes remained closed with great effort but my soul is no longer in the silence, despite my desperate want to remain there. That is what people have the tendency to do, drag you away from the things which save you from your own misery. For what others see as harmful you see as the only thing that keeps you from what is destroying you deep down within yourself. When I exist I am in a constant state of torment, every piece of my mind urges me away, away from the life which harms me so. And yet still I am not permitted to leave this place which causes me such agony for I have people keeping me here. The guilt within my heart is inflicted upon me by those whose intentions were not even to do so and in turn they trap me here, in this anguish.