Just Breathe (IN EDITING)

Chance

present day

Evan POV

The rain had transformed itself from its usual heaviness which from experience I find is accompanied with an aching heart, to one of a light drizzle. I find my soul does not sink so fiercely when the drops of sky are only grazing my skin and tickling as it drips from my nose. My feet move to the steady beat of my heart beneath me, propelling me forward despite the prominent feeling of being stuck. I keep moving forward, I do not have the option to fall behind any longer.

My mind wanders back to the moment which I had abandoned, abandoned for the girl who once was my everything. My fingers twitch where his were grasping on to, they glide over my tingling lips which grazed his only minutes prior. The only thing wandering hopelessly through my mind is the thought that he might just love me back. Phil is the reason my heart beats so persistently in my chest, he drives the fight to exist within myself. He is the reason I am here, and he pressed his lips against mine as if I brought the light to the sky.

I had left him there, sitting upon the windowsill to watch the sunset from his broad window. I left him to observe the vast sky lose its light. I left him alone. The thought lingers but not quite as much as it would had I felt the hopelessness persisting deep in my chest. The hopelessness which once encompassed my being is no longer evident though. The sinking feeling which I was once so familiar with has been replaced, I am not drowning any longer. I do not believe I will maintain this feeling, the utter dread of existing still weighs down my every step. Yet still I find that I am walking smoothly along this pavement with ease. I find myself quickly approaching where I had agreed to meet Lilah not with desperate panic but rather with relief.

I am not angry with her for taking away the moment I shared with Phil with her phone call. I am reassured by the fact that, the instant that Phil and I shared was not a fluke. I am reassured by the way his lips pulled from mine with hesitance and his forehead rested against my own. He loves me.

I was not necessarily happy to leave him behind although I am content with where we left off. I am sure we can get there again, with our fingers laced together and the air so heavy you can not even breathe. It was important that I left though, essential that Lilah and I have the conversation which has been inevitable for the last three years.

I had only left Phil's house five or so minutes ago, and am getting closer to Lilah. I am relieved that she did not sound distressed on the phone, her voice was not filled with the anguish which pains me to hear. It was monotone, drained of every emotion that ever made her who she was. She truly is a beautiful creature, despite the world so consistently attempting to steal that from her. I hope to one day hear that emotion instilled back into her soft voice. I hope one day she can be as happy as she was before we realized what it meant to be alive.

The sky is growing darker, the sun slipping past the horizon and suffocating the world. The drizzle of water droplets don't trouble me. They bring a refreshing bitterness to my tired skin. I no longer want to be scared of the rain. Rain may accompany the ache brought on by humans on a path of destruction, but it also brings life. However cheesy, flowers are never brighter than they are after it rains. I wish to allow the light sprinkle of rain falling from the darkened sky to make me once again bright.

The streets are dark. Soft music can be heard drifting through houses. Laughter of teenagers running through the streets sounds somewhere behind me. A small smile creeps onto my feautures which have been hardened from years of feeling nothing but myself deteriorating. I know I can not stay like this, I know the sadness will inevitably make its way back to me. In this moment though,
I am going to revel in the lack of sorrow eating away at me. Right now, in the soft drizzle with noises all around me, I am happy.