This chapter is extremely triggering, also the point of view changes at some point so keep an eye out for that it will be in bold. Anything in italics is Phil's thoughts as addressed in a previous chapter
The song I've attached sounds nice with the chapter, I'll leave a note in bold text where you should start the song if you would like, it also sounds nice after you finish.
*4 years earlier*
Phils p.o.v
The buzzer of my alarm clock fills the silence of my bedroom.
I hate the sound it's sickening, it infuriates me. Everything infuriates me. I can't stand the sound of the small device for a second longer so I bang my fist against it to stop it from screeching the obnoxious tune.The darkness of the room is suffocating. When the alarm goes off I'm left in silence, left with my thoughts. It puzzles me why anyone would choose to be left with their thoughts, the only thing my thoughts have ever been are dangerous.
My heavy eyes crack open to read the numbers on the glowing blue clock. 5:30, perfect. I started setting it this early when school first got out back in May. I can't afford to sleep anymore, I need to use that time to work out. Time not spent burning calories is time wasted. And this way no one is around to question me, tell me not to push myself. I deserve to be pushed.
I swing my legs out from underneath the duvet, looking straight forward at the wall as not to see them. If I was to look at them I swear I would vomit, anyone would they're truly repulsive. I don't like looking at myself. I detest the way my skin is white, the way it is bruised and fragile. I don't like looking at myself because all I can see is the way my fat moves with me. It makes me ugly, I'm so ugly.
Quickly I stand and throw on a pair of sweats despite the blistering heat. I ignore the way my head spins with each step, the way the earth wobbles. This is okay it's what's supposed to happen. I'm used to everything being unsteady, my whole world has never been still. The aggressive pains coming from my stomach just mean it's consuming itself, with every second making me less disgusting. And that's the goal, what I've always wanted.
Nothing you ever do could make you any less disgusting
Well I sure can try.
Why try when dying would be that much easier
My feet move underneath me as if I'm on autopilot. I feel like I have no control, I don't choose my actions they just happen. Everyday the alarm goes off at 5:30. Every day I pull myself from bed and ignore the way my whole body screams. I pull on sweats, socks,shoes, and a thermal top. Everyday I struggle to breath because I'm suffocating on my own thoughts.
Why won't you just stop breathing then?
Silently I tip toe from my dark room and open the door, making my way to the front door. I have to be cautious not to wake anyone. My brother Martin if awoken would be sure to question me as to why I'm sneaking out of the house at dawn in winter clothing. It's not like he would understand, no one understands. Not even My best friend.
I avoid gazing in the direction of the kitchen, I can't even afford the temptation. I'm currently on the longest streak I've ever been on, I think back on my last meal and try to count the days that have passed. Deciding on five, although it may be six I can't be sure.
It's not good enough
You're not good enough
The thoughts swell in my mind, they are hurtful and dangerous. I know I'm not good enough, I know I'm disgusting and worthless, I know these things. The thoughts are just what make sure I don't forget. I can't forget because everyone and everything reminds me.
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Just Breathe (IN EDITING)
Fanfiction(This story is currently being re-written, check back in summer 2017 for weekly updates) Phil was lost And the world was grey He found the boy who would bring back the colour to his life Or at least that's what he thought. Disclaimer: Dan is in th...