Just Breathe (IN EDITING)

Nothing

Present Day

Evan's p.o.v

"You are not my best friend Evan. You are a retched human being who destroyed me and destroyed himself. Evan Millikan from the deepest parts of myself I hate you. I will never love you."

His words reach my ears as if they were shot with a gun. They fill me and swallow me whole. I can't seem to grasp that they are actually being said. All I really know is that my whole entire being feels empty and utterly destroyed. Tears are rapidly spilling from my eyes and cries are violently ripping through me at the noise of the door slamming behind my best friend.

Everything I have ever known, everything I have ever loved I have destroyed, and for what? A few pills here and there? I just want him to understand. To understand that everything pained me so bad, I felt as if I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do. Phil was here and god damn I loved him so much but he hadn't been holding me together, nothing was holding me together and I was slipping away. The pills helped, if only a little bit. When I was at that frat, I wasn't me. Just for a while I got to be the boy who wasn't falling apart.

In the end not only did it destroy me but it destroyed the person I love. The person who I would die for and whose smile I find brighter and more important than and star in the fucking galaxy. I'm sobbing on the floor and the love of my life is running in the other direction because he is so convinced that I'm a monster. I never raped Lilah, I never god damn touched her. At a point she was my everything, she was what my life revolved around and although my universe got a new sun she was not forgotten. I still loved her, and never would I hurt someone I loved.

I trusted Phil to believe me, to at least give me the benefit of the doubt. Instead he believed those absolute dicks. I trusted him to love me and care about me not tear me apart more than I already was. I'm in pieces on my dorm room floor and everyone thinks I'm still in love with life and I don't know if I can cope with that. I don't know if I can cope with the person who filled my sorrow leaving me to choke and die on my own sadness.

And yet at the same time the thoughts that I'm thinking, make me so very deeply hate myself even more. I am blaming Phil for my own destruction. I am blaming him for not trusting me when I am the one who lied. He is probably crying and he is probably shattered and instead of running after him I am tearing apart the paintings of our happy faces which have been tainted by years of tragedy and fighting the urge to rip apart my own god damn skin. So I do what I do best, I get drunk and I demolish the person who I was supposed to be even further.

****

Three days.

That's how long it has been since Phil stormed out on me, since he left me to be tortured by my own thoughts. Which in my opinion is the perfect punishment for someone so absolutely worthless.

It's the morning now, or at least I think. The days and the hours they blur together. I know I'm moving and I'm breathing but I'm not existing. I'm sitting on the floor between my wardrobe and my bed. I haven't changed in a few days, when Phil left I put on one of his shirts that he forgot. He would think it was creepy but he's not here, he will never be here. The sun is shining through the open window blinds, shining onto my skin. I don't feel it though. I feel nothing.

I am nothing.

My legs are up to my chest offering me some warmth considering the low temperatures in the room and my lack of jacket. It's better this way, I don't deserve to sit on the bed, I don't deserve any warmth. Upon hearing my stomach rumble I strain my neck to look at my small glowing red desk clock. It say's that it is ten am but I could have sworn it was night time just a few moments ago. Oh well.