☆ Wanderlust Jacob Elordi ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆

5.

.:*・☆・゜・*:.。.

Tw: sexual assault and childhood abuse !

El woke to the annoying sound of her phone alarm, a rude awakening after a brief sleep. Having gone to bed at 6 am, she had optimistically set an alarm for 1 pm, but inevitably, she hit snooze until 2:30 pm. Shaking off the grogginess, she checked her phone for any news about the role. Finding no updates, she flopped back onto her bed, telling herself that the news could come any day now.

Debating whether to rot in bed or get up, El chose the latter, reasoning that staying in bed would mean skipping lunch. In the kitchen, she prepared scrambled eggs, then settled in the living room to continue watching "Euphoria," nearly finishing the first season. She had stopped watching previously because of her intense dislike for the character Nate Jacobs, which was deeply rooted in her troubled past.

El's childhood was marked by a damaged relationship with her father. The family, while not impoverished, struggled financially. Her father, who had his own unresolved issues stemed from his childhood, was controlling and occasionally aggressive, especially when he grit his teeth... leading to a fearful and unstable home environment. Her parents' constant fighting was a daily occurrence, and her mother, despite being trapped in an unhappy marriage, stayed for fear of not being able to support her children alone. Even though that was probably a mistake on her behalf as it ended up scarring the children mentally.

El's father's behavior left a lasting impact on her and her sisters. As she grew older, El's defiance towards her father increased, yet so did the tensions at home. After a series of disturbing incidents for example when el was having a silly fight with her sister over earrings and then her dad suddenly lunged at her and started shoving/ punching her. Or the one time her mum picked her up from drama practice and she found out he burnt her arm. El vowed to cut ties with her father once she moved out - a promise she kept. Her mother eventually divorced him, and the family dynamics shifted, but the scars remained.

These experiences left El wary of relationships. She feared that the anger she grew up on might lead her to mimic her father's abusive behavior. Despite longing for love and companionship, she avoided romantic relationships, choosing to focus on healing with the help of therapy. She was of course was nowhere near healed this would be a very long process, but she was making baby steps. Heck getting a therapist after struggling alone all these years was one.

El's first romantic encounter was far from ideal. At 18, what should have been a magical first kiss turned into an unwanted advance at a club, she was dancing and then this guy came up to her and was rubbing her up and down her body, once she turned around to see who was touching her like that he ended up stealing her first kiss. El ended up blocking this from her mind and never counted it as her first kiss, this traumatic experience further reinforced her reservations about relationships and men.

Her role in "Shadow and Bone" alongside Ben Barnes marked a turning point. Despite being on-screen, El considered her kisses with Ben as her first real romantic experiences, something she kept to herself. She was attracted to Ben although he was way older than her.

However, the idea of a new role, which required intimate scene with this felix guy, filled her with uncertainty . It would push her beyond her comfort zone, making her question whether she really wanted it.

Watching "Euphoria," El's disdain for Nate Jacobs was a reflection of her own life experiences. His treatment of Maddie reminded her of the fear and helplessness she felt in her youth, when he choked her in that one episode, it made el feel like the little girl who would quietly cry herself to sleep making sure not to make any noise. The feeling of your throat aching and your sticky body shaking to the point where you can't breathe. She hated that weak feeling. That feeling of having no power and just begging the universe for someone to come and save you.

Despite being a fictional character, Nate embodied the type of men El had learned to despise. She hated how maddie would fall back into the trap and the cycle of this toxic relationship would continue. This is why el refused on having a relationship. She hated how Nate always made maddie come back to him and most importantly she hated how deep down she in a very twisted and dark way found him attractive.

Her conflicting feelings about the actor playing Nate only added to her inner confusion. She felt very very attracted to him, whoever he was. She did want to look him up but she would not indulge herself to do that.

Realizing the depth of her unresolved issues, El whispered to herself about how she was fucked up and the need to schedule another therapy session with Annie as soon as possible.

AN: here's her backstory... She will end up meeting Jacob soon, I wanted this to be a very slow slow burn as she has gone through a lot and Jacob will be by her side to help her and teach her about these new experiences, she will have! Also salt burn will be realised in November 2024 instead of 2023 !!!!