it will rain • Chaelisa

• Empty

Point of view Lalisa Manoban

I groaned in pain when I felt the needle entering my arm, it had barely started and I was already in agony.

— It's quick, don't worry. — The nurse said as she sutured the open cut.

But that physical pain didn't compare to the mental pain I was feeling, still confused about what I had done, how would I look at Rosé's face?, maybe she didn't want to see me anymore or painted gold, that thought made the my heart hurt and I started to cry.

—Does it hurt that much? — The nurse asked worriedly, stopping the suturing.

— No, you can continue.

While she sewed up my arm I tried to replay all the events of the previous hours, me fighting with Suzy, the security guard entering the room, Rosé desperately trying to calm me down, and me hitting the glass in her room so hard that a piece of glass tore through the door. my arm.

I hadn't felt this angry in a long time, but seeing Suzy treating Rosé like that triggered a trigger in me, my body boiled and I completely lost control of my actions.

And after all the confusion she took me to the doctor, in complete silence inside the car, she had stopped crying but wouldn't look me in the eyes.

She left me in the emergency room and went off to God knows where, should I go back to our house?, should I spend the night in the hospital?, I didn't really know what to do.

The nurse finished the bandages, finally bandaged the area on my arm and cleaned some superficial cuts on my face.

When I entered the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror I saw the old Lisa reflected in it, it made my heart beat extremely fast, I started crying again compulsively, and the nurse entered the bathroom worried.

— Lisa, you're panting. — She said feeling my pulse. — This way your heart will stop.

She pulled me by the hand, helping me lie down on the bed while I was still crying desperately.

— Can you give me a tranquilizer?

— I need authorization for this, first a doctor has to see you, I can call him if you want. — I nodded trying to wipe my tears, in vain, they kept falling.

I've never hated myself so much, as if I had gone back to the hole I fought so hard to get out of.

It didn't take long for a doctor to walk through the door.

— How are you Lisa? — He said, analyzing my medical records.

— Can you prescribe me a tranquilizer?

— Do you intend to spend the night here? — I nodded, it would be good not to face my wife at that moment.

— Yes, at least today. — He approached, examining me closely.

— It looks like it was a bad cut. — He said, looking at my arm.

— I broke a glass, in my hand. — He didn't look at me in surprise, he just stared at me with his arms crossed.

— Problems with anger?

- As you know?.

— I'm a psychiatrist. — He said smiling, pointing to the name embroidered on the coat, and at that moment I closed up. — He has an anxiety attack.

— I'm just a little confused. — I said, cutting eye contact.

— You don't really remember what happened, do you? — How did he know that too?

- Perhaps. — I played with the hem of my shirt trying to ease my nervousness.

— I know what it's like, you feel like you're not there, that you're not real, as if you were observing through your body and not inside it.

At that moment I looked into his eyes again, he described exactly what I was feeling.

— How do you know that too?

— I'm a psychiatrist. — He replied again, taking a notepad from his coat and writing something down. — Look Miss Park, I work here at this hospital and I would love to help you if you wanted.

He handed me the paper and I looked at his name and a phone number.

— Are you going to give me the tranquilizer?

— I don't think it's necessary. — He checked my pulse again. — Your heartbeat is normalizing, but you can spend the night here without any problem, I'll ask the nurse to bring some blankets and an extra pillow, if you're hungry we'll still have dinner.

— I just want to sleep. — I said after putting the paper in my pocket and lying down completely on the stretcher.

— Well, I'll be going, call me if you need.

I thought I would be able to sleep but it was impossible, I was impatient and my mind wouldn't switch off, maybe running would help me not think, but it was 4 am.

I picked up my cell phone for the first time since arriving at the hospital, there was a message from Rosé, I was afraid to open it, I looked at the screen for five minutes, gathering courage.

Love: I'm going to my parents' house.

I closed the message feeling my chest hurt, I got up, putting my hoodie over my t-shirt, putting my cell phone and wallet in my pocket, then I went to reception and signed my release.

The cold wind hit my body and even though I was wrapped up it sent shivers down my spine, I knew where the hospital was, it wasn't far from the apartment, I ran to it in the silence of the night, with my thoughts a million, she was with the parents, Rosé did this when we fought when we got engaged, but now we were married and she was my wife, I had never slept outside until that day.

Was she thinking about leaving me?, leaving?, ending our marriage?, as I repeated those questions I felt the tears flow again, which made me realize that I was feeling things again, I felt my body and I felt the pain, I felt the cut on my arm, my heart was pounding and my breathing too.

It wasn't good, I preferred the feeling I had before, maybe I could do that again, I stopped to breathe a little, resting my hand on the wall and looking at my sweatshirt, covered in blood at the cut, I grimaced, lifting my sleeve, my points had been opened.

I would have to go back to the hospital, but I couldn't do that now, I ran what was left to get home.

I opened the door still hoping to find Rose behind it, but the apartment was empty, empty like my chest at that moment.

I took off my clothes, taking a warm shower afterwards, feeling the water fall on my cut that was still bleeding, I dried it carefully and bandaged it again.

I put on blue shorts and a top, still in the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror, feeling the anger consume me again, with nothing to alleviate it, I took the mirror and threw it at the wall, then I started crying seeing what I had just done.

I left that behind and lay down on the perfectly made bed, I stared at Rosé's empty side wondering if one day she would come back to me, even if I didn't deserve any of her love and care, in fact I didn't deserve anything.